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No. No. No.

No thanks.

Thanks, but no thanks.

No.

What was I thinking? As a person who struggles with the need for affirmation, I willingly took my career in a direction where I will hear the word “no” from most of the people I encounter. That’s the equivalent of a man who is scared of heights taking a job washing the windows of New York City skyscrapers.

On the one hand, you could say this is a very courageous thing for me to do. And I suppose that would be accurate. The problem is that while I’ve had the courage to make the climb, I don’t have enough courage to be ok with the possibility of falling.

I was struggling to find a good way to articulate it, when I overheard my son’s Taekwondo instructor say the following at the end of class today. “It’s good to have the courage to compete. But what’s even more important is to have the courage to accept the outcome.” Um, yeah, what he just said.

In my spiritual journey, both professionally and personally, I’ve definitely mustered up the courage to step out in faith and to put one foot in front of the other. Absolutely. But what I’m missing is the courage to accept the outcome. I have been pursuing my journey with fear in my heart. Fear of what might be asked of me. Fear that my business might fail. That I might be asked to make personal sacrifices. That there may be a fall required for me to land where I need to land.

As a result, I’ve pulled back, and in some cases paralyzed myself. Refusing to move forward. Unable to do so. Because I haven’t had the courage to unconditionally accept whatever the outcome might be.  This has led me off the path in multiple instances. It’s placed distance between me and God.

I’m not that discouraged though. For two reasons. The first is that this is the biggest self revelation I’ve had in a while, and awareness is, after all, the first step toward solving any problem. The second is that no matter how lost I become along the way, no matter how far I drift from God, it’s an easy road back to Him. As it says in Malachi 3: 7, “…Return to Me, and I will return to you.”

I feel continually blessed that God chooses to speak to me in mysterious and unexpected ways. And that He continues to seek me out, even when I’m not in the frame of mind to move toward Him as it says in that verse. My prayer for today is simple. I’m asking for courage to accept the outcome, so that I continue the journey toward it with less fear and more faith.