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Today’s post will be a little shorter than usual. Just getting right to the point with this one.
Over the last year, I’ve learned a lot about myself. My past. My future. My present. How to live life. How to trust God. How to make sense of things that don’t make sense. How to be present. Along the way, I’ve picked up some effective ways to help me zero in on what I’m feeling and more importantly, help me say or do the next right thing. This doesn’t mean I always say or do the next right thing. But with every passing day, I get better at that.
Here are the three small phrases that are currently making a big difference in my life, and I think if you try them out, you’ll see they will make a big difference in yours as well.
- But Why… Whatever you are thinking or feeling, whatever emotion is rising up within you, it is the product of an unmet need and/or an unhealed wound. Usually, there are layers upon layers that we have to peel back before we get to the bottom of it. When you catch yourself overreacting to a situation or feeling something that is unsettling, or being tempted to do something that isn’t good for you, pause for a second and ask, But why?” Try to uncover what’s driving your bad mood, your craving, your unhealthy response or your negative thoughts.
- So That… This is a powerful one. Everything happening in your life right now is under the specific instruction of a power higher than yourself. Ask what God has for you in this current situation. Whatever the trial, obstacle, adversity or suffering you find yourself in, there is a “so that” to it. I heard this phrase for the first time while attending my local church several months ago. Liked it so much, I stole it and have been using it ever since to remind me that even when I don’t understand what God is doing, there is a point to it. A bigger picture. I just have to be patient enough to let Him work.
- And Then… I use this when faced with choices and decisions. What is the likely outcome, consequences, etc. to choosing path a over path b. If you are in pain and wanting to medicate in any way to avoid it, you must know that the pain will still be there waiting on you when you’re done, and you’ll also have the consequence of your medicine of choice (which depending on the individual ranges from alcohol to drugs to pornography to binge eating to shopping to gambling to burning hours on social media). If you respond to your current situation out of an unstable emotional state, you will damage the relationship or the scenario even further. Sometimes just being able to see the potential fallout from an unhealthy decision is enough to help you make a healthy one instead.
All three of these phrases are a part of my daily vocabulary now. I’m doing my best to be present in my decision making, in my daily actions, in my relationships, in each and every hour I’ve been blessed with from above. Too often, we go through live in reaction mode, with no real perspective on what is happening to us, why it’s happening and what will happen next. Practice these three phrases for a week, each and every time you get the opportunity, and I bet you feel better equipped to deal with your life in a positive way.
In the book Beloved, the main character, Sethe, wrestles with how she can prevail over the trauma of slavery while the memories are still alive and well. Many of us have this struggle. How do we overcome the past, when it still holds influence over us?
I’ve talked before about what many wise men and women have said and written…you don’t need to erase the past or block it out, or forget it. You need to embrace it, use it, and let it appropriately inform your future. Who we are is a direct result of where we’ve been and what we’ve experienced. Good. Bad. Ugly. Every mistake, every poor choice, every act of abuse or betrayal or trespass, it’s all been used to design you and equip you for your God-given purpose.
This means many of us need to closely examine how we treat the past, because we’ve likely made the mistake of letting memories (particularly bad ones) continue to derail us in our daily lives. To hold us down and oppress us. To define us. To strip hope, peace and joy from us. To poison our thoughts. To haunt our dreams.
We have to stop using our memory as a torture device, or a shaming technique, as evidence to substantiate the lies we tell ourselves, as an escape from reality, as an excuse for a pity party, as a cage that renders us helpless and depressed, as a way to keep score and justify our victim hood, or as a glass ceiling that limits our future potential.
Instead, we should leverage our memory positively to retain and recall the lessons we’ve learned, to keep us humble before God, to keep us filled with gratitude, as a means of instruction for others and ourselves, as a counter balance to irrational present thoughts or future tripping, as a detailed ledger of our strengths and our weaknesses, as a way to measure how far we’ve come and how far we still need to go.
Memories can be an extraordinarily powerful tool for our healing and our health. They can also be a cancer that gnaws at us from the inside and blinds us from all that is beautiful about ourselves, our lives and the world around us. Some things just go. They don’t hang around in our memory. Some things do. I strongly believe any memories that are strong enough to stay with us (good or bad or ugly) are to be used for a greater purpose. They have magical powers waiting to be harnessed. But like any superhero, we have to use that power for good and not in destructive ways.
Just a quick word of encouragement…regardless of how much trauma lives on in your memory…today you are blessed beyond measure. Air filling your lungs. Beauty filling your eyes. Music filling your ears. You can choose joy. You can leave the pain behind while you carry its scars. You can actually use the past to create more of the joy you seek now. It’s all about perspective. Trust me, it’s not easy. It’s a daily discipline. I’m not fully executing on it at the moment, which is why I needed to get it down in a blog post and place it in front of me. I needed a reminder today. Maybe you did too?
the way to (t)here 
What You Said