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One of the things I’ve become acutely aware of in my spiritual journey is that I have to constantly question my motivations. Am I doing something good? Or am I doing something good, for me? In other words, is there a hidden agenda? I’ve deeply desired some things in my life, or produced certain accomplishments, which seemed very noble and holy. But these things were tainted, because at their core, they were just pitiful attempts to fuel my flesh and to feed my insecurities and need for affirmation. Most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, have been guilty of hiding unhealthy motivations under the guise of God-centered activities and accomplishments. Or is it just me?

There’s a great example of this in John 12:1-6. Martha is washing the feet of Jesus with an expensive oil. Judas complains and suggests it would have been better to sell the oil and give money to the poor.

At face value, it is easy to stop and think that maybe Judas had a point. You might even suggest he was being a noble man. But the passage goes on to explain that Judas wasn’t really being sincere. He didn’t care about the poor. He was a thief who frequently stole from the money box. He was using a seemingly God-centered gesture to quench a flesh-filled motivation.

For Judas, it was all about the money. After all, he eventually sold Jesus out for a small payday. Feeding his greed was the only way Judas knew to operate. For me, it’s been affirmation. That means I’ve been a performer all my life. An over-achiever. In the classroom. On the job. Whatever it was, I needed others to perceive that I was awesome at it. Otherwise, I had no peace. I’ve had success in my life. I’ve done some good things. In recent years, my marketing business actually helped a lot of worthy causes. But I did it all under the motivation of being affirmed. That was the hole in me. It wasn’t always a conscious decision. Judas obviously knew very well that he was scheming to steal from the money box when he suggested selling the oil to benefit the poor. In my life, the underlying motivation was usually much harder to detect, unless I went specifically searching for it.

Lately, I’ve done a lot of that. Searching out my true motivations. Weighing them. Separating the healthy from the unhealthy. It’s very sobering work. You start to realize how much of your life has been dedicated to filling holes and how truly disingenuous human beings can actually be.

This also causes me to pause when I’m feeling judgmental of others. As you know, it’s so much easier to psychoanalyze other people’s problems. It’s easier to see self-centered agendas and selfish motivations in someone else. In the past, I’ve been fairly swift to judge individuals when I get a whiff of them trying to trojan horse their way to what they really want or need.

But I’ve come to realize that most people are doing this without really realizing it. And regardless of whether they are aware of it or not, chances are they don’t fully understand how to control it, or have any idea where it’s coming from in the first place. That is unfortunate, because the most likely driver of their unhealthy motivations is an unresolved wound from their past that needs healing. Some experience that created trauma. A lie they have always believed. A betrayal that left them without faith in God or others, or maybe even themselves.  Whatever it is, it left a hole. And holes beg to be filled. So, we silly humans try to fill them. We get very creative with this process, but it usually takes failure in our own clever actions to finally accept that God is the only way the hole can be filled, ultimately.

So, we act like Judas and set ourselves up the best ways we know how. Whatever it takes to get us through to the next fix. We get branded as hypocrites, either by ourselves or others or both. We lose our connection with authenticity. That’s not a very joyful way to live. Trust me.

I’ll leave you with this. The next time you are about to do something others would consider “good” or “admirable” or “valiant” or any other positive and affirming reaction, do a quick check of your heart to understand why you are doing it in the first place. Is there any underlying motivation that you need to bring to God and wrestle down to the ground? Marketing folks will tell you that to truly connect with a specific audience, you have to put yourself in their shoes and ask the question, “What’s in it for me?” Turn that question around, and pose it to yourself. Maybe a hidden agenda will arise out of your answer.

Secondly, the next time you are ready to lay down the hammer of judgment on someone else, stop and ask yourself what might be driving their actions? What is the source of their pain? What hole are they trying to fill? What is their hidden agenda? Or how about this one. What is it about their actions that has you so upset? Do you see something in them that reflects something about yourself that you really don’t like? You will have a much more empathetic and Christ-centered response to them, regardless of what they have done. And maybe you’ll be compelled to gently speak truth into their life, and yours, while discovering what’s hiding inside.