My Inner Dragon

July 10, 2011 in Journey, Sin | Leave a comment

We recently welcomed a new addition to our family of four. He’s a little cutie. A bit grumpy at times. Looks like potty training is completely out of the question, which is kind of a drag. His name is Cheeseball. And as far as lizards go, he’s pretty cool.

Cheeseball is a bearded dragon. My older son has been asking for a reptile of his own for quite some time. We finally relented once we realized it probably wasn’t a phase he was shaking anytime soon. It’s been fun watching Cheeseball (yes, my son named him) in his cage, trying to be a wild animal in a caged environment.

Since my wife doesn’t really get excited about the whole lizard thing, and the scales and crickets and clean up duty that come with it, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Cheesy. I’ve read an entire book on caring for beardies, researched on the Internet for proper handling, feeding and health techniques. I’m developing a great understanding of what makes these dragons tick, what their instincts are, why they act the way they do, what they really need to thrive.

All this has me thinking a little more deeply about myself, my needs, why I respond the way I do. Over the past year, I’ve become much more aware of my wounds and how those impact me. How I’ve responded to external stimulus in my environment. I’ve yet to pay as much attention to my natural instincts, those behaviors and reflexes and needs that just come built-in as part of the human package.

It’s important for Cheeseball to have a safe place to hide in his cage. It’s very distressing if he doesn’t have somewhere to retreat from danger. When you provoke Cheeseball, and he feels threatened, he will puff out his chin, open his mouth and hiss at you. Making himself appear larger and more dangerous than he really is. It’s important that he have access to light that provides warmth and vitamins. This includes a spot to bask in daily.

I could go on. There are lots of things I suddenly know about bearded dragons. But the point here is that I’ve been paying attention to all of these natural needs and/or responses in caring for our pet, while not taking any of these types of things into account as I think about myself, and specifically my spiritual walk.

We have an intelligent and intentional design. We are equipped with survival instincts and reflexes, as well as basic needs that we will strive to meet. And when our external environment goes as planned, a lot of these instincts and needs work just as the design intended. The problem is that we are constantly stressed by our environments, sometimes to the point of trying to be wild and free while caged and placed in an  unnatural setting, either by our own actions or external forces beyond our control.

In a way, we are predictable as a result. No matter what our environment or circumstances throw at us, we respond based on our survival instincts. We pursue things in life based on the same set of needs.

The important thing for me to consider here is that I have a set of survival instincts that can both help and hurt as I try to pursue a deeper relationship with God. I have basic needs that I’m designed to pursue and meet at all costs. And understanding that wiring is every bit as important as it is to be self-aware of my spiritual wounds.

Being aware of my natural instincts and response biases can help me break patterns or at least better understand what I’m feeling and how I’m reacting to a specific situation. Being more cognizant of all my needs, and not just my spiritual needs, will help me be more successful in my faith walk.

This means that seemingly unrelated things such as the food I put in my body, the amount of exercise I’m getting, the social connections I’m making to family and friends and a host of other variables all contribute to whether I can be effectively present in my pursuit of God.

We are intelligently and intentionally designed, which requires us to be consciously and consistently aware of this design. Taking some time to look through the glass and understand how the wild animal within us is wired. Tapping in to our inner dragons.

Stuck in Reverse

July 5, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

I love music. Specifically, I love good music. Even more specifically, I love well-written lyrics. The perfect song can sum up exactly how you’re feeling in just a few short lines. It just captures the essence, and explains it better than you could have explained it with 25,000 words.

So, for today’s post, I’ll steal a few lines from a Coldplay tune that sums me up at the moment. The song is Fix You, and it starts like this:

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

There I am. Stuck in reverse. I am tired as I type this, but I can’t sleep. I feel like in my pursuit of life, I’m getting what I “want” but I’m so far away from what I need. I’m trying the best I can to gain better perspective, but there’s no success to be found.

I’m six weeks into a new job and asking myself if this is really what I want to do professionally. I’m as frustrated in my relationship with God as I’ve been in a long time. I just don’t hear Him right now. Not at all.

And worst of all, I’m not sure what to write on this blog. I’ve gone weeks between posts lately. Not because I was without access to a computer. I just haven’t had much to say. And I am making less than zero progress on my book at the moment either. Each time I open up the file, I just stare at the pages blankly and close my laptop with a sigh.

The Coldplay tune goes on to say that, “Lights will guide you home.” I just hope they get here soon, because in the meantime, I’m undoing a lot of progress as I drive backwards.

But thanks to Coldplay, I at least have a compelling prayer to pray for today.

Dear God. By your light, guide me home. Ignite my bones. Fix me. Amen. 

The Unseen Chase

June 15, 2011 in Relationship, Sin | Leave a comment

We were standing in a big circle around the pitcher’s mound. Just a few moments after finishing a competitive, if not overly athletic, game of church-league softball. As is customary in church-league softball, we ended with a prayer. This particular evening, we were specifically praying for a young man who had been arrested on child pornography charges and who was sitting in a jail cell on suicide watch while we played a silly game of pitch and catch.

It was a somber end to the evening. My heart was broken for this guy. I didn’t know him. Still don’t know his entire story. But it was so devastating and sad. One of the members of the team we had just finished playing led the prayer. And the way he started it really struck me. He acknowledged that God is “chasing us in ways we don’t even realize.” I’ll stop right there. I didn’t hear anything else he had to say. I’m sure the rest of his prayer was really elegant and theologically sound. But that picture he painted of God chasing us, chasing me, completely flooded over me.

I often think of it this way. God is always there, ready for a relationship with us. But we tend to run away or wander off. Or refuse to move closer to Him. Whatever our misguided path happens to be. And while it is very comforting to think about God patiently waiting for us, not moving, but holding firm and still, it is even more comforting to imagine Him actively pursuing us. All the while we are wandering or running, He is chasing us from behind, yearning to be closer to us and to be in closer relationship with us.

I pictured this young man, who obviously took a horribly wrong turn in his life. Who knows what the history or background or context is. The reason behind his actions. Whether he is remorseful. What exactly he did. Whether he knows Jesus. What a beautiful picture to imagine God racing toward him, chasing him, even as he sits in that cell, on the verge of total collapse. Even then, God is God, and God is actively and genuinely in pursuit of his heart.

I am praying for this young man tonight. Even as I write this. And I am praising God for his relentless pursuit of us. Of course, I could make it easier and stop running already. But in the meantime, it feels really good to think that God doesn’t just wait on me, but chases after me. No matter how terribly I veer off course.  Chasing me in ways I don’t even realize.

 

Nothing Good Can Come of This

June 8, 2011 in Purpose, Sin | Leave a comment

I was in church last week – small miracle – and was really amped up to be there. Only two songs in, I got really distracted. The worship team was belting out a song that went something like this: “You are so good, you are good, there is nothing good in me…”

Geez. Nothing good in me? No redeeming qualities whatsoever? Wow. Now, I’m motivated.

Luckily for me, the pastor delivered a sermon that seemed to contradict that lyric, bringing me back into focus. He started with a passage, Romans 7:17, which says, “But now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, my flesh) nothing good dwells…” Hmmm. The clarifying statement, “that is, my flesh” suggests to me that we aren’t necessarily void of goodness. Otherwise, why clarify? If you read further, it says talks about walking according to the spirit versus the flesh. The spirit, even though it is of God, is within us, battling it out with the flesh.

I personally think it is very dangerous to believe there is nothing good in us. I don’t care how many times I read the word wretched in the Bible, I don’t like it! I’m not being holier than thou with a remark like that. I’m not suggesting I don’t need God, that I don’t need salvation. I simply replace the word wretched with the word wrecked.

Yes, I’m a mess. But I am not void of goodness. I was made in God’s image, right? Once upon a time anyway. I’ve written about this before, but it is something I spend a lot of time pondering. In the spirit, we can do good, be good. Of course it is powered by God. But it is God opening something that exists inside us.

Otherwise, we would have no innate desire to follow Him, to be in relationship with Him, to yearn for Him. We are weak. For sure. We are wrecked. At least I am. But wretched? I just think that’s a strong and unnecessary word. Is my argument theologically based? I have no idea. After all, wretch is a fairly common descriptor throughout the Bible. This is simply my point of view.

Yes, I also fully appreciate that sin is deep within me. I just refuse to have it define me. I believe that God sees potential within me.

I was preparing to write this post several days ago. But my schedule got the best of me. The first day I started working on it, I had to drive to the airport for a business trip. On the way, I heard a song by Depeche Mode called Policy of Truth. It had been about a decade since I had heard it. There is a line in the song that says, “Never before is what you swore, the time before.”

Near the end of the song, that refrain is repeated about a thousand times. After multiple rounds I was like, ok ok ok ok. I get it. I have been walking according to the flesh. I’ve been falling back into old patterns, despite my rhetoric. Not really making a great case for there being good in me.

The passage in Romans said that sin dwells in us. That is an important description. Dwells. It’s not a weekend guest or an occassional visitor. It dwells. It lurks beneath the surface. It has taken hold. It occupies space. But it dwells “within us” which means it doesn’t define us. We have the ability to rise above it and to walk according to the spirit.

And we can’t do that without God, obviously. And without His mercy and grace, we would continue to be wrecked and really make a disaster out of our existence. But I will continue to protest the notion that nothing good can come of this. That we are wretched with no redeeming qualities. Right or wrong. For better or for worse. Good, bad or ugly. We could not be “redeemed” if there was nothing to “redeem.”

New Car Smell

May 26, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

I am about to wrap up week one of my new job. It’s gone fairly well. I’m feeling comfortable. The people are nice. The work is challenging. The headquarters is in a scenic place (see pic on right). The only down side is that I’ve spent most the week away from my family. Hopefully the travel aspect of the new gig is a short-term sacrifice.

What I’ve discovered about myself in this process of making a job change is that I have really grown to loathe new things. I didn’t realize how comfortable I had gotten in my old patterns. How resistant I had become to change. But lately, it seems like anything with that “new car smell” is much less attractive to me.

Most of the anxiety I had around my new job was because I was starting over in terms of credibility, relationships, track record, etc. I fast forwarded through week one, trying to move as quickly as possible to a state of feeling settled in and comfortable. I couldn’t wait for it not to smell or feel new any longer. New was creating stress and discomfort.

I really need to watch out for that. If I go too far in that direction, I’m going to miss out on a lot of things, particularly in my spiritual walk.  And it isn’t enough for me to take chances and obediently make changes. I need to embrace them. I need to savor them. I stole the joy right out of starting a new job, with a clean slate and a world of opportunity. I replaced it with doubt and fear and hesitation. It’s all going to work out. But because of my aversion to the new car smell, I have already missed some of the blessing.

The best way to continue growing is to never stop. And if you’re like me, and feel like you’ve all but slowed to a halt, maybe it is time to start over. Embrace change and breathe in that new car smell!

Cha-Cha-Cha Change

May 20, 2011 in Journey, Purpose, Relationship | Leave a comment

As I climbed into my car, on the last day of a job I’ve held for 8 years, the radio jolted me. I had cranked it up on the way in this morning, jamming out so I could enter the office with some positive energy and not be sad about leaving or scared about going. After I adjusted the volume, I laughed. The song on the radio was by Michelle Branch. It’s called, “Are you happy now?” 

I took it as a not so subtle reminder from God that it doesn’t really matter if I’m in my old job, my  new job or yet another new job. My old house. My current house. A different house. On a beach. On a mountain. If I turn to the wrong source for my happiness, I’ll be left unsatisfied.

All along the way, the decision to take a new job was frightening for me. You are probably tired of reading about it at this point. And while I continue to believe that it will strengthen my faith by requiring me to trust God more, I think I’ve been putting too much emphasis on it in terms of how much it actually changes me. Of course it changes a lot in terms of my daily life. But it’s still a job. It is intended to pay the bills. It should not define me, or prevent me from being in relationship with God or investing in my family and friends. It has literally no impact on my happiness and my peace. The source for that remains the same.

When I got home, I spent some time with my wife and kids, and then I picked up The Naked Now by Richard Rohr. I’ve quoted this book before, but I had all but forgotten about it after it was buried beneath mail and magazines on our kitchen counter. I picked up where I left off many months ago, and wouldn’t you know it, the first two pages I read were focused on “change.”  Rohr states that as individuals, and even as churches, we usually ignore things that require actual change of our lifestyle, security system or dualistic thought patterns and instead we emphasis intellectual beliefs and moral superiority stances that ask little of us.  Rohr suggests that  we naturally divert our attention from anything that “would ask you to change, to righteous causes that invariably ask others to change.”

I take all that to mean that one of my favorite, old-school, hip hop groups was right when they said, “You need to check yo self before you wreck yo self.” Who knew that they were laying down some philosophy at the same time they were calling for us all to shake our rumps?

Too often, I get caught up in addressing the superficial in my life. Moving furniture around. Determining better ways to pay bills. Trying to keep my backyard green. Trying to be successful at the office. Trying to find the perfect job. And I let changes in these areas, big and small, take precedence over spiritual concerns. Over the last month, I’ve been 110 percent consumed with the new job and all the emotions I described previously. It’s been unhealthy for my family time and even more so my spiritual walk. At the end of the day, I truly believe that God finds my place of employment largely irrelevant in terms of His relationship with me. I could change jobs a thousand times in a year, and God would have the same expectations and desires for my heart.

I’m in for a big year of change professionally. My new gig couldn’t be more different from my old one. But I’m more excited about the changes I expect to experience internally. Getting serious again about asking God what He has for me. The real change He wants for me that will lead to change in others.

When God says to me (or maybe sings to me, I don’t know): “Look me in the eyes, and tell me are you happy now?” I want to have a good answer for that.

Toys Really R Us

May 14, 2011 in Faith, Purpose | Leave a comment

Here’s a simple experiment for those of you with small children. If you have older children, drift back to that time in your life when sleep was not an option. No children?  Borrow a toddler for a few days. Or just trust that I know what I’m talking about.

Here’s the deal. First, take your small fries to a daycare or a church nursery. Drop them off. Come back and get them, and watch what happens now that it is time to leave. Do they whine and cry about taking the toys with them? Do they roll around on the ground and throw a fit at the thought of leaving empty-handed? What usually happens is they are so excited to see you that they run to the front door and can’t wait to get scooped up by mom or dad.

Now, head on over to Toys R Us. Take your children down a few aisles. Let them play around with some of the items on the shelves. Now, try to leave without purchasing something and watch what happens. Is it the same as the daycare? Which, by the way, probably had a lot of the same toys sitting around. Nope. What usually happens is your children plead and beg and cry and tug at your shirt. Desperate. They’ll do anything, say anything. Just please, please, please buy something, ANYTHING.

What’s the difference? It’s quite simple. And you probably don’t need me to tell you what’s going on, now do you?

At the daycare, the child has figured out that the toys stay right where they are. They’ve come to expect that they are leaving without them. The toys can help pass the time till they get picked up, but they aren’t a lasting possession. So, it isn’t a big deal. When the parents get there, the kid is just glad to make a break for it.

But at the toy store, it’s a different story. Your child has learned that there is a decent chance to walk away from that place with a surprise or two, and they probably have figured out the most effective techniques for squeezing a few bucks out of your wallet. The expected outcome is that something is going home with them. They are playing for keeps.

In 1 Timothy, it clearly states that we come into this world with nothing, and it is certain that we won’t carry anything out either. It’s a daycare kind of deal. But I for one repeatedly approach life like a trip to Toys R Us. Struggling, stressing, scratching and clawing for stuff (ranging from toys, to status, to security) like I fully expect to carry it out with me. It’s so easy to let the toys define me. The stuff, the status, the accomplishments.

1 Timothy cautions against trusting in uncertain riches or leaning on knowledge at the expense of faith. In chapter 6, verses 4-5 it suggests this will result in envy, strife, reviling and evil suspicions. “Useless wranglings of men of corrupt minds and destitute of the truth, who suppose that godliness is a means of gain.”

I many times place my faith in the security of stuff. As well as the comfort of knowledge. And when I do that, I’m really saying I trust myself more than God. What I’m really saying is that I value the toys more than my father coming back for me.

Question: How would your life and your faith be different if you treated stuff as if you were in a daycare instead of a toy store? I’m pondering this question as well this week.

Just Press Pause

May 11, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

I’m tired. It’s been a long, stressful month. Lots of major decisions. Business travel. Hectic schedules. Sick kids. Possibly the most ridiculous scuffles I could possibly have with my wife. It’s been really hard to be focused on God and my journey toward Him.  I’ve been unable to sustain ongoing quiet time, unable to write, unable to make progress. And as I’ve said before, if I’m not moving forward, that means I’m falling backward.

I still maintain that to be a true statement. However, I also have discovered an important caveat. I don’t have to be moving forward if I am intentionally resting in God. Sometimes it is better to just press pause.

As I rapidly circle the drain and press ahead on this lifelong journey, I have to allow myself a pit stop here and there. This will be the first and hopefully last NASCAR reference I’ll ever make within the confines of this blog, but can you imagine what would happen if a NASCAR driver refused to pull over for gas, tires or whatever else they do to the cars during a race? Eventually, they’d run out of gas, blow a tire or both. Among other bad things.

The same goes for my Christian walk. Without finding rest, without refueling, without replenishing myself in God, I’m either going to give in or give up. Give in: to those same old sins that always throw me off track and cause me to stumble. Give up: and stop short of what God has for me because I’m exhausted, frustrated and spent. Or both. Among other bad things.

In Galatians 6:9 it says, “Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” Now, I said I was tired, not weary. But it’s a short ride from one to the other. And if I allow myself to get to weary, I’m much more likely to lose heart and to be exhausted from trying to pursue God and His will for me.

One of the most famous verses in the Bible goes something like this: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28.

Another verse I really like is Isaiah 40:31 – But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Everything in this world seems intent on pulling against our pursuit of God. Each day seems up to the challenge of challenging us. It’s quite easy to get tired, to grow weary, to give in, up or both. Just as you eventually need to rest your head on a pillow and rest your physical body, your mental and spiritual self requires the same rejuvenation on a regular basis.

For me, it is natural to press into my faith walk. To battle for quiet time. To reach for the next objective or achievement. To wage war with the world around me. To thrash about and exert energy. To march ahead, whether God is ready or not. On the other hand, I often forget to rest. To sense my tiring self and to retreat to God and ask for Him to relax me and give me peace. To let me refuel. To take on my burden with me and provide me with relief. To simply press pause and intentionally rest in God. There is rest for the weary after all. If only we receive it.

Discipline vs. Obedience

May 4, 2011 in Obedience | Leave a comment

Discipline vs. Obedience

Motivation vs. Inspiration

Process vs. Outcome

Constraint vs. Abandonment

Ritual vs. Revival

Robotic vs. Spontaneous

Religion vs. Relationship

Anyone can follow rules. But can you pursue God?

Adjusting My Set Point

May 2, 2011 in Faith, Journey | Leave a comment

When you change the way you look at something, what you see will change.

That’s a really bad attempt to quote Deepak Chopra, who I recently saw speak at a conference. He also said that our bodies are merely artificial manifestations of our collective, raised consciousness and that we are merely energy entangled within the DNA of our ancestors (or something extremely deep and ponderous like that). For purposes of this post, we’ll just stick to the first quote.

 According to Dr. Chopra, we all have a set point. A default position for how we view things. For instance, when we encounter a challenge, do we view it as a problem or an opportunity? The bad news is that this set point is typically formed within the first three years of life. It gets worse. We typically create our set point by mirroring based on expression, body language and other cues from our surroundings. Okay, now stop. Think about how your parents respond to stimulus. Scared? Well, don’t be. You can change this set point through self-awareness.

This past week, I was reminded once again of my set point. I got up close and personal with a big heaping spoonful of self-awareness.

I’ve been grappling with a major life decision. I’ve blogged about that several times lately. Through this experience, I’ve come to realize that you don’t have to be going through trials and tribulations to stretch and test your faith. You can be challenged while being blessed. It’s almost embarrassing for me to admit that the big crisis I’m wrestling is whether to take a new job or stay in the one I currently hold.

In a time when many people have been seeking work and struggling through a sluggish economy, I feel more than guilty for asking anyone to pity me in my situation. But it’s been hard. The new job is a risky one with lots of upside. My current job is stable but has taken a mental toll on me. It’s been a really hard decision, in part because I’m finding it hard to trust that God will provide no matter what my decision is.

I’m placing enormous pressure on myself to make the right choice, to not mess everything up. I’ve defaulted to my set point, which is to over-analyze and then paralyze myself. To create a scenario where I’m near meltdown and stressed beyond belief. Where I drive my wife crazy all weekend, pacing back and forth while flip-flopping on what I should do. Where I somehow turn a very enviable position into the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19 it says: Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit.

Wow, my set point is soooooooooooooo far away from that. It’s a daily battle to adjust it. To continue to be self-aware. But Dr. Chopra is right. About the whole change thing. As soon as I realized how I was responding to the situation, it changed the way I viewed it. And that changed the situation itself.

I’m happy to report that I am starting a new professional chapter. I’m taking the new job. I’m trusting that God will continue to provide. I have sadness to leave my current team and everything that I’ve accomplished there for the past several years. But at the same time, this move is going to significantly stretch my faith. I won’t have any safety net, other than God.  My set point naturally says that is too dangerous. That I should reconsider.

But the set point I strive for rejoices in the opportunity and gives thanks. And keeps the Spirit flowing within me. It feels good to put it in writing. I can’t wait to see how God uses this new chapter in my life to further His will.

Areas of Interest

Past Stops on the Journey

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 21 other subscribers

Top Posts