All Around Me

September 28, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

This post is just a quick praise. There’s a song by Flyleaf (which I absolutely love), called All Around Me.

The chorus goes…

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing

I’m alive! I’m alive!

That’s how I’m feeling this week. Not in an “I’ve never been happier” kind of way, but in an “I’m absolutely hearing from God” kind of way. He’s all around me right now. So, I’m just trying to be present in the moment and hear everything He has to say. I just know that He’s close, and working, and stirring inside me. Placing things before me. Sharing insights with me.

It’s amazing how stuck you can feel one moment, and then how easily God can start you moving again!

Back to the Circus

September 27, 2011 in Purpose | Leave a comment

On my way to a meeting today, I prayed. I asked God that He would give me the ability to NOT let my job take over the rest of my life. After a brief time of balance and perspective, I can feel myself slipping back into the trap of letting work dictate my mood, good or bad. Of allowing my performance at work to be a leading indicator of my worth. Of blurring the balance between work and life because I’m so concerned about stability and security. So, I prayed that God would help me keep it in perspective and that He would help me better understand how I was feeling lately and what I could do about it.

Less than 10 minutes later, I drove by a billboard on the side of the interstate promoting the Shriner’s Circus. The word CIRCUS was in big, bold letters and took up 80 percent of the sign. Now, to understand why I would view this as being significant, you need to press pause on this post and read a separate post that I wrote a little over two years ago about finding your circus.

Finding my circus is something I was actively meditating on for a while. But I let that focus slip away. It was just so frustrating. Trying to imagine what God’s plan for me really is. Particularly when it its my career, my financial livelihood, part of how I identify myself. I enjoy the line of work I’m in, for the most part. And most days, I’m happy with my current job. But deep down, God keeps reminding me that I haven’t found my circus yet. That I’m still getting distracted by the zoo.

There’s more to it than I’ve uncovered. Maybe it has nothing to do with my job. Maybe God just wants me to accept that my job is the zoo and will never be a circus at all. Or maybe there’s a circus out there that can fulfill my purpose while providing for my family. For now, I remain open go God’s voice in all that. And will continue to keep my eyes open.

Inhabiting the Moment

September 25, 2011 in Journey, Relationship | Leave a comment

A few days ago, I was playing with my two sons. It was a gorgeous afternoon. Sunshine and laughter. The type of scenario that begs for a camera to capture the memory, so that years later this beautiful day can be relived. And in the midst of this picture perfect moment, I was absolutely distracted. I had work on my mind. I was also thinking about how long it had been since I’d written anything for my blog. I was thinking about how stalled I felt in my relationship with God. I was mentally balancing our checkbook and stressing about financial security. And all the while, I was missing out.

In my inability to be present and engaged with my sons, I lost out on what should have been a really great time. In that moment, it shouldn’t have mattered what was next, what was wrong, what could happen. In that very moment, something really great was happening, and all I had to do was be present to experience it fully. It’s depressing to consider how many times my inability to be present has intruded upon and obstructed something God was trying to show me or share with me.

“You are always here. There is no there.”

Those profound words were shared by Jon Kabat-Zinn, a leading practitioner of mindfulness.  He was addressing employees at Google’s headquarters at the time, guiding them through a workshop on meditation and mindfulness. He called for them to “inhabit now”. According to Kabat-Zinn, when we are trying to hard to solve a problem or to make sense of our circumstances, we sometimes just need to stop, to go beyond thinking and pushing and forcing our way to the solution. Just stop. Inhabit the moment. Be present.

I’ve had to stop myself a lot lately. When my journey to a closer relationship with God isn’t going as smoothly as I had hoped, when it isn’t progressing at a fast enough clip to satisfy my impatience, I find myself forcing the issue. Feeling a desperate frustration that drives me mad, the same way it feels when you’re late for something important and stuck in traffic on the interstate, bumper to bumper, and you feel trapped and you want to pull at your hair and act crazy just for a moment.

I have to remind myself to stop striving for the end result I’m after and be present. In Matthew 6:34 it says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Yes, today has its own trouble to deal with, so don’t go borrowing trouble from tomorrow. But in addition to worry, today has its own power. Today, I can be in perfect union with God. Today, I can find refuge in God. Today, I can engage in a meaningful exchange with God. I can find truth, insight, hope, guidance, mercy. Even as I continue to work on being the man God wants me to be. Even as I wrestle with my idols, my wounds, my sins. Today, I can have peace. If I can be present.

Luke 17:21 says that, “the kingdom of God is within you.” In other words, you are always here. There is no there. All you need is to be present and to inhabit the moment.

Searching for Something

September 21, 2011 in General | Leave a comment

I’ve been writing this blog for a couple of years now. And in that time, I’ve had a decent amount of visitors. I still haven’t widely shared it outside of a close circle of friends and family. But it is out there to be found. And sometimes, people find it. That got me curious as to how they were finding it.

So, I started paying more attention to Google searches that were leading people to my site. Just for my own amusement, below are the most recent search terms that have brought visitors to this blog. Not exactly what you might expect, given the subject matter I explore.

The Top Ten

1. Yes Cow

2. Survival Instincts

3. Cow Dung

4. Charlie Sheen Wasted

5. Benefits of Long  Suffering

6. Waffle House Menu

7. Milk Carton Vector

8. Religion is Childish

9. Roots not Fruits

10. Light Switch Off

Trinity of Self

September 12, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

Not a long post today. Just meditating on a simple insight. I’ll probably discuss it at greater length at some point.

As I proceed in this journey, I’ve come to realize that I must simultaneously embrace the man I used to be, the man I am and the man I want to become. The trinity of self in other words. Sometimes I want to turn my back on the past and just start anew. But history is important. And those wounds, those wrong turns are all critical to my wisdom in Christ. Sometimes I just want to cast into the future. But if I don’t embrace who I am right now, if I don’t know where I am in this moment, how in the world will I find my way forward.

It’s foolish of me to think for one moment that I can unravel any single aspect of myself and not expect the entire braid to come undone. It’s the collective of past, present and future that define me.

 

Religion = Childish Dependency?

August 28, 2011 in Relationship | Leave a comment

For that again, is what all manner of religion essentially is: childish dependency –  Albert Ellis

Ellis is considered to be more historically influential as a psychotherapist than Sigmund Freud. He was also a self-proclaimed atheist and for most of his career believed that religion created massive psychological strain on the people who bought into it. So obviously this was a brilliant, and brilliantly misguided, man.

But I have to say that the quote above is one that I resonate with completely. I also have to say that I am not writing this post to make myself feel better about missing church this morning without a good excuse.

In the United States, we blast off fireworks once a year (or for a month straight if you live in my neighborhood) in symbolic celebration of a violent struggle to claim our freedom and independence. But for the balance of the other 364 days a year, we’re constantly searching for crutches and distractions, vices, things we can lean on or depend on or believe in.

We think because we are stubborn and opinionated, that we are independent. But we’re not. As humans, we’re geared toward seeking affirmation and being included. Feeling like we belong. That everything is okay. Co-dependency is in our blood. Independence is hard. It’s counter-intuitive. Non-instinctual.

Many times, this childish dependency is thrust upon religion.  It can get in the way of our relationship with God, just as easily as any other sin, vice or dependency can. That’s the irony. After all, religion is largely created by man. In Romans 10:3 it says of Israel, “For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and seeking to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted to the righteousness of God.”

I’m not calling for self-righteousness or isolationism, or suggesting we each create our own individual theologies. Not trying to detract from the value of corporate worship, spiritual structure and being part of a believer-based community. I’m just saying that we should seek independence and keep our minds and hearts free to bond directly with God, with mediation only occurring through Jesus and nothing else. That we not get entangled in the mechanism of religion because of the affirmation and inclusion given to us as a result of shared beliefs.

I know this is way too heavy for Sunday night reading. And I’m not even sure I’m clearly articulating what’s on my mind. But to try and state it much simpler, here’s a summary. As man, we’ve created a lot of pomp and circumstance to being in relationship with God. We’ve created long lists of rules and regulations. We’ve corporatized worship. We’ve mass marketed the Gospel. At the end of the day, we’ve made it very easy to get caught up in all the trappings of being a part of a church or being a part of a specific religious interest. We’ve come to rely, co-dependently, on that religious interest to do all our heavy lifting for us. We expect it to help us carve out our place in this world. We expect it to tell us what’s right, what’s wrong and what God wants for our lives. And many times, we let it get in the way of the personal relationship God wants to have with us.

It’s fascinating that Albert Ellis could get it so right while he was getting it so wrong. But then again, I suppose he’s not all that different than the rest of us in that way.

Just Like Riding a Bike

August 23, 2011 in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Today, I’d like to share yet another example of the Bible being a living document, and God being a personal God. A few days ago, my weaknesses were overwhelming me. I felt like my doubts, fears, wounds, were all too mighty as opponents. It felt like a battle I couldn’t win. So, I prayed my new favorite prayer, “Please God, show me what you want to show me, and allow me to see it. Amen.” And then I literally opened the Bible at random and picked up accidentally in Psalms.

Psalms 38 goes something like this…

“There is no soundness in my flesh…for my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me. My wounds are foul and festering because of my foolishness. I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long. For my loins are full of inflammation, and there is no soundness in my flesh…”

That pretty much sums up how I was feeling at that exact moment in time. I stumbled backward by one page and read the back half of Psalms 37 next. Just to get some context into Psalms 38. Here’s what was waiting for me:

“The wicked plots against the just, and gnashes at him with his teeth. The Lord laughs at him, for He sees his day is coming. The wicked have drawn the sword and have bent their bow, to cast down the poor and needy, to slay those who are of upright conduct. Their sword shall enter their own heart, and their bows shall be broken.”

What a powerful visual! The enemy attacking, bows drawn, swords raised. And then those swords are driven back into them, and the bows are snapped. The passage goes on to say the “arms of the wicked shall be broken.”

It feels good to know that God laughs at my adversaries. But I did feel kind of puny and silly while reading. I mean, here I was for the hundredth time, all wrapped up in my weakness, getting laid on my back and becoming fearful and dejected, worrying about the enemy even as I brought the struggle to God. And He grins and says, “I’ve seen much worse. Pretty sure I can help you out here.” It’s so easy to forget how powerful and expansive my God truly is.

I ended my reading right after verses 23-24. This felt like an exclamation point for what God wanted to share with me that day. Those verses say, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.”

I immediately got a clear visual of helping my son learn to ride his bike a few weeks ago. For him, it was such an insurmountable hurdle, such an intimidating, daunting objective. The bike must have looked like a giant, menacing machine without those training wheels. But for me as his father, I knew it wasn’t going to be as hard as he thought. I’d been there. I’d seen much worse. This was an enemy that was no match for us. And though he started to fall several times. I was there with my hand, to help him down gracefully. To guide him back onto the bike to try to ride again.

We haven’t fully mastered the bike just yet, but that’s okay. We’ll get there. And so will I.

Shame on Me

July 31, 2011 in Sin | 2 comments

Every once in a while, God will prepare a theme week for me, where He keeps serving up the same insight until I finally take the hook and pay attention to it. That’s how thick-headed I can be. Sometimes God has to plan out an entire week, brand it and then smash me over the skull again and again until I get it.

This week’s theme: shame.

Yeah, a fun one.

First, there was a debate about shame in an email group that I’m a part of, with several people discussing whether it is an emotion or something else. I read through it quickly, and moved on. A few days later, I was thumbing through my Bible, trying to look up passages about confession and repentance, and the first one served up was Romans 10:11-13 which says “whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.” Again, I dumped the subject quickly, annoyed that the passage wasn’t what I was looking for. That’s an insight in itself. Me being more concerned about what I wanted to find, versus what God wanted to show me.

Finally, this morning, we were visiting a church, and the pastor spent the majority of his message talking about the power of the gospel. His central passage was Romans 1:16-17. First line of that passage? “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ.”

That’s when it hit me. I’m ashamed. Deep down I don’t believe what it said next in the 10th chapter of Romans, that the Lord “is rich to all who call upon Him.” That He will take care of me, provide for me, help me live and prosper. Nope, I must not believe it. Because I’ve come to realize that for the most part, I’m been acting like I’m ashamed of being in community with God.

Let me explain.

That’s why I have separate blogs and Twitter accounts. One for the “professional” me and one for the “personal” me where I explore my faith. I even hide behind a “handle” on the personal blog, which is of course the one you’re reading now. Sure, my close friends know it is me, but I’ve also been careful not to make that public knowledge.

I do that for the same reason I’ve suppressed spiritual discussions on my Facebook wall, or even in my interactions with anyone who is a part of my work environment. I’ve become so sensitive to how many people view Christians, and the stigma people place on bringing religion into the workplace or other public forums, that I’ve become worried about being branded a Bible beater and that somehow my career could be limited by the fact that I believe in Jesus.

And the only reason I care what other people might think is because deep down, I don’t fully trust that God will provide. I’m back trying to steer the wheel and navigate my own way. I’m back focusing on all the things that will expire at the expense of things that are eternal. That I would suppress my faith just to make sure it doesn’t damage my career, or even worse, my “image” is shameful in itself.

It’s one thing to be ashamed of my sin, which by the way is another ongoing battle. But it really troubles me that after all this time, I would find myself letting the world make me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about who I am as a Christian. That I would feel the need to keep my relationship with God to myself. That’s the exact opposite of how I should be behaving.

Man, I wonder if this is how Peter felt when he denied knowing Jesus three times in one night. Now, I’ve not had anyone ask me if I believe in Jesus and then tell them no or anything. But the passive denial that I’ve been exhibiting lately is just as bad, and it’s happened much more than three times. And even more so, back in that day you had to worry about people driving nails through your hands and feet or stoning you to death. It’s silly, really. In today’s world, the worst possible things that can happen are emotional discomfort, a moment of social awkwardness or potential short-term economic loss.

I’m thankful for the insight. Even if it took God creating “Shame Week” for me to get it. I do think at the core, it’s not that I’m really ashamed of knowing God. It’s more of a conditioned response to the world I’m living in, coupled with some weakness in faith and an overly sensitive need for affirmation. Either way, it’s something to start paying attention to and working through.

It all reminds me of a great question posed by DC Talk in a song once.

What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak?

I think that lyric has been rattling around in my subconscious for a while. I need to get back to the place where I say that I don’t care, because there’s no disguising the truth.

 

Social Animals

July 27, 2011 in Journey, Sin | Leave a comment

There is a new book out by  David Brooks, a New York Times op-ed columnist, that has spoken volumes to me. And I haven’t even read it yet!

The name of the book is The Social Animal, and I came across a review of it on my Twitter feed this week. I immediately downloaded it on my Kindle, well, after trying to buy it in a bookstore only to realize it was THREE times more expensive to buy it in there. No wonder Borders couldn’t make it. Sigh. But that’s not really the point of this post, so I’ll move on.

So far, I have only read the review, but I’ve read the review multiple times. Just in that snippet of copy, the author articulated much of what I’ve come to realize and grapple with lately.

The reviewer is a business executive named Tony Schwartz. He shared his insight on the book through a Harvard Business Review blog. According to Schwartz, this book eloquently explains why we’ve gone so far off course in our society, pinning it on “human failings we haven’t begun to recognize, much less acknowledge.”

He goes on to share Brooks’ core argument, “that the vast majority of us have very little understanding of why we make the choices we do, and that we’re influenced instead by peer pressure; impulsive and reactive emotions; a deep and bottomless need for admiration and status; overconfidence in the present; excessive worry about the future; the evolutionary instinct to avoid pain and move towards pleasure; and precious little capacity to delay gratification.”

This isn’t a spiritual book. But man, did he just sum up my struggle in one fast-moving, heavy-hitting paragraph.

The Social Animal explores our subconscious, which takes up most of our mental space, and it zeros in on the fact that “instead of drawing on our rational faculties to more deeply understand our interior impulses and motivations, we too often try to rationalize, justify, minimize and explain away the unconsciously driven actions we’ve already taken.”

In short, we have an infinite capacity for self-deception.

Schwartz reports that Brooks lays out a path to “a more meaningful life – one that balances action with introspection, confidence with restraint.”

As you can tell, I’m a big fan of his review. And I think I will be a big fan of this book as well. As I said to open this post, the book has already spoken deeply to me without turning a page.

I literally just woke up to the fact that my capacity for self-deception is indeed infinite. That I really need to get more in tune with my nature and how I’m wired. I just blogged about it a few weeks back. Brooks, and even Schwartz are saying it much more effectively than I could have hoped to say it, so I’m thankful to have stumbled upon their words. It helps crystallize what has been rolling around in my head.

I’ll report back after reading the book. I really hope it lives up to the lofty expectations I’m now placing on it. I’m hopeful that it will help my spiritual walk through better understanding of my physical being, plugging me in more directly with the mass of unconsciousness that secretly dictates success or failure in my life far too often.

Those Who Forget God

July 17, 2011 in Relationship | Leave a comment

I forget a lot of things. Birthdays. Where I set my car keys. Speaking of, where did I set my car keys? The points of stories. Taking out the garbage. The capitol of North Dakota. The list goes on. I was reading a passage in Job tonight that struck a nerve, because it reminded me of a time when I forgot something a little bigger than all that. It reminded me of a time when I forgot God.

Job 8:13-22 – So are the paths of all who forget God; and the hope of the hypocrite shall perish, whose confidence shall be cut off, and whose trust is a spider’s web. He leans on his house, but it does not stand. He holds it fast, but it does not endure. He grows green in the sun, and his branches spread out in his garden. His roots wrap around the rock heap, and look for a place in the stones…

This passage ends by saying that if he is destroyed from his place, it will deny him, saying “I have not seen you,” and that this dwelling place of wicked will “come to nothing.”

This is a perfect compilation of the different issues I’ve grappled with the past few years. Shallow roots. Double-mindedness. Idolatry. Chains. Self-medication. Clinging to things that expire instead of things that are eternal. Basic wickedness, according to these verses.

Three short years ago, I had forgotten God. I had compartmentalized my relationship with Him, tucked it deep into a corner of mind and heart. I had gone numb to what grace and mercy really meant, completely ignoring the sacrifice of salvation. I wasn’t even aware enough to understand how hopelessly far away I had drifted from Him.

I remain so amazed and thankful that I have remembered God. That I’ve received glimpses of who He is and who He wants me to be. And  yes, all the “wickedness” described in this passage is still the “wickedness” I battle on a daily basis. But as I’ve said many times before, I’m in pursuit now. I’m fighting now. And everyday, pass or fail on my attempts to be more Christ-like, I always succeed in one task. Remembering Him.

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