Holiday Wish: From Me & Jay-Z

December 23, 2011 in Prayer | Leave a comment

It’s tough to slow down. Especially during the holidays. But my wish to all of you out there is that you can find some time to meditate on God and what He’s trying to say to you.

There’s a great line in a song called Renegade by Jay-Z. It says:

Do you fools listen to music, or do you just skim through it?

What’s your answer? Are you listening to the insights God is sharing? Or are you just skimming through them? When you read His word, are you listening? When you pray, are you listening? Jay-Z wanted to know whether people were really “getting it”, whether they were actually extracting the message of the song or just nodding their heads and letting it melt into the background as white noise.

Every day, I’ve been asking myself the following.  Am I listening? Or am I just going through the motions? Am I stopping long enough to actually receive a blessing from God, or am I rushing to the next thing on my list?

Asking these questions helps me slow down and get more from God.

So, my holiday wish (and I’m sure Jay has my back) is that we can all stop skimming and start listening. At least for a few days.

Merry Christmas!

Writer’s Block

December 18, 2011 in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Subject line says it all. This is my life as of late. Blocked! If you go back through the timeline on this blog, you’ll notice the posts getting farther apart as the year has been wrapping up. You’ll also notice on the “my book” tab, I declared that a draft of the book I’m working on would be completed several months ago. Well, it’s not. And I’m not close.

I’ve been wrestling with how to organize a few hundred pages of content. And I’ve paralyzed myself. Overwhelmed, I’ve just let it sit there and collect dust. And it’s even affected my ability to regularly post to the blog.

This isn’t terribly uncommon among those who write, whether for hobby or profession. It just comes with the territory. The good news is that I’ve finally shaken it. I think.

Some writers will tell you they just power through writer’s block. They keep writing until they push through the wall. For me, the trick has been to press pause. To stop!

With my particular project, I’m supposed to be documenting my journey and I had let the documentation get in the way of the journey. I was far too wrapped up with how to write the best possible first draft, than letting it go where God intended. And so, God let me get stuck. And He let me get stuck enough that finally the only course of action was to stop. To wave the white flag.

Amazingly, the moment I stopped, God started again. I had to go less than a day before God re-energized me and led me toward a better way to organize my thoughts and approach the book. So, I’m back in the game!

Hopefully moving forward I can be focused on the journey itself and not a destination. Hopefully I won’t let the act of obedience consume me and blind me from what I’m supposed to learn from it.

So, I’m expecting to be blogging more frequently. And to make progress soon on that delayed first draft. Call it an early New Year’s resolution!

Opening Door #3

December 5, 2011 in Obedience | Leave a comment

There was a knock on the door. I hesitated, because usually a knock on the door in the middle of the afternoon is one of the following:

1. Someone selling something, like security systems, girl scout cookies, makeup, you name it.

2. Neighborhood kids wanting to know if our kids can come out and play.

3. Someone wanting to share their religion with me through witness.

I get most uncomfortable with that last one. It’s easy enough to say, “No thanks we don’t need any” or “Not today, maybe tomorrow” but I find it more difficult finding the right words for someone who is going door to door selling salvation. I’ve never been a fan of banging on doors and sharing religion, even if its the Gospel. My personal belief is that most people won’t and don’t respond well to having religion served up on their front porch. I feel like there are 100 more effective ways to “share the good news.”

That being said, some religions actively orchestrate this sort of activity. Heck, my church back home (southern baptist congregation) has always been committed to canvassing the neighborhood in this fashion. But it’s just not for me.

So, I opened the door. And of course, it was door #3: witnessing. As I was standing there, listening to the pitch, I was surprised by my reaction. Usually, I find the fastest way to close the door. This time I actually engaged in a conversation.

There were two women on my steps. One was there just to watch, evidently. The other woman stuffed my hands full of newsletters, fliers and other promotional material, and posed a simple question to me. “Do you think if you followed God’s commandments you would be happy?”

Before thinking too much about it, I responded with “No, no I don’t.” She was taken aback, obviously prepared for two responses: “Yes” and “I don’t know”.  She quickly recovered and took me through several scriptures that were intended to convince me that I was wrong, that actually I would be happy if I followed God’s commandments.

I explained to her that, for me, it wasn’t as simple as that.I didn’t have the verse available at my fingertips, but my take on the situation is summed up very nicely in Ecclesiastes 12:12. There it says, “Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.”For me, it’s not enough to “follow God’s commandments.” The first half of that verse says, “Fear God.” For me, that suggests what the state of your heart should be. I’ve talked a lot before about obedience vs. discipline. It’s not enough to follow the rules. You have to be following the rules in obedience.

There’s a scene in the movie The Break Up where Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn’s characters are arguing with each other about doing dishes. Vince finally concedes to Jennifer and says, “Fine, I’ll wash the dishes.” She replies, “I don’t want you to do the dishes. I want you to WANT to do the dishes.” 

If you’ve seen the movie, you know what happens next. This concept of wanting to do the dishes blows Vince’s mind and sends him spiraling out of control.That’s where I’m coming from. Will following God’s commandments make me happy? No, not unless I’m following them because I WANT to. My front door visitor didn’t respond as wildly as Vince did in the movie. But she did look at me absently, as if she didn’t really get where I was coming from.

After an awkward pause or two, the women finally said goodbye and asked if they could stop by again to follow up. I winced inside and said, “Sure.” After all, the chances are pretty good that my wife will open the door next time anyway!

Colors. Emotions. Complexity. And Life.

November 21, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

A few weeks ago, my wife’s grandmother passed away after a decade-long battle with heart failure. As we drove from the funeral home to the church for her memorial service, I was unusually alert in the back seat, taking in my surroundings. I  logged the following notes in my iPhone. Here they are, verbatim.

Procession through Cleveland streets. To Collinwood. Chilled air. Leaves sneaking from trees. Windy road. Color coded homes. Faint yellow, bright red, baby blue. Even orange and pink.  More colors than the falling leaves. Long line of cars in a stately march, crawling toward Holy Redeemer. Purple flags with crosses flapping. Headlights like candles lighting the way. Solemn sadness separated by the occasional cracked smile or relief filled giggle or nostalgic belly laugh. Flashes of anger  and fear. Disbelief. Numbness. Mixture of emotions creating an intricate recipe, bursting with flavor and complexity. Combinations. Colors. Emotions. A swirling world around me.

I share that to share this. Never lose sight of the complexity of the world around us. It’s subtle, but if you are alert, you’ll see an incredibly detailed design and a wildly diverse range of factors intertwined with one another. Polar opposites knitted together, competing and complementing one another. Vibrant and dynamic. Rich and textured. Highs, lows, triumphs, tragedies. This day is every day. And there are so many days when I am numb to the complexity around me. When I disregard the blessings God has laid before me. When I don’t embrace the swirl of life for the magic it is. We’ll miss you Gram. But thanks for reminding us of the vibrance and richness of the world you left behind.

Going Directly to God

November 2, 2011 in Faith, Relationship | Leave a comment

We are a mediated society. There’s hardly a direct path to anything. There are always hoops to jump through, forms to fill out, strings that are attached. We can’t even directly approach the person we want to do business with. A few examples…

When you buy a car, you don’t get to haggle with the manager. You have to go through the salesman, who constantly runs back and forth until a mutually agreed upon price is reached.

When you call pretty much anyone in corporate America, you don’t get to talk directly to him or her. You get voicemail, or an operator or an assistant who has been trained and coached to not let anyone through.

If you find yourself in any sort of legal dispute, attorneys will be doing all the talking for you.

If you hole up inside a bank with hostages, you don’t get to talk directly to the people who can give you what you want. Instead, you end up with some guy who specializes in negotiation tactics.

You can’t even talk directly to the banker on that torturous game show Deal or No Deal. Howie has to broker the conversation.

Meanwhile, the Internet has created a collective consciousness where you don’t really need to have direct experiences with anyone or anything. You can simply Google it and add it to your vicarious knowledge bank.

With all of this connecting and facilitating going on, it can be easy to forget that approaching our God is no longer an activity that requires mediation. That hasn’t always been true, as the Lord states in Ezekiel 22:30.

So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before Me on behalf of the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one. Therefore I have poured out My indignation on them with the fire of My wrath; and I have recompensed their deeds on their own heads.  

Before Jesus, connecting with God required mediation of some sort. It required sacrifices and offerings. It required someone standing in the gap between God and man. Jesus obviously came to be the constant connector so that we no longer would have to worry about the gap between ourselves and God. He erased the space between us.

And today, we are unencumbered to approach God. Yet, we get tangled. We create the illusion that we need assistance to approach God or that there are physical obstacles or expansive spaces between us and God. But really and truly, there is no mediator, go-between, intermediary, translator, negotiator, gate-keeper, facilitator, agent, bookie, broker or manager required for us to reach God. There’s no great wall or lake or river or moat or enormous valley or vast transom in our way. There’s nothing and no one that is a bridge that must be crossed in order to connect to our God.

Spiritual leaders can edify and fortify us, help us see more clearly and feel more deeply. But even the saints among us are not required for true, personal intimacy between a man and his God.

For the longest time, I was waiting for someone or something to negotiate on my behalf. To play matchmaker and set me up with God for a lunch where we can get to know each other. Someone to serve as a messenger to hear my grievances and report back on what God has to say about them. I didn’t fully appreciate the gap had been filled by my faith in Jesus. And that God was standing right in front of me. Patiently waiting to speak with me. Directly.

It’s been such a liberating experience going directly to God. With no one and nothing between what He wants to share with me. I don’t always fully get the message. And maybe a mediator could help me better understand what He’s saying and thus help me make fewer mistakes. But I prefer to embrace the uncertainty and confusion I sometimes feel, the great mysteries my mind can’t wrap itself around. Because there’s nothing quite like spending time directly with God.

Why Owning Stuff Doesn’t Matter

October 29, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

I just finished reading a great blog post by a media company, examining the societal trend of consumers ditching ownership for access and consumption. The material things that used to give us identity and personality and serve as symbols of status are all but out of vogue for the current generation of young adult consumers. (And yes, that is an altered picture of the famous Nirvana album cover. If you click the link, it will all make sense.)

The central argument the blog makes is this. “The pride of possession and sense of identification that an album/book/movie collection used to give has been supplanted by the ease of access and availability that Internet services provide. But this paradigm transcends mere media consumption habits and traverses into all areas of life. From Zipcar to AirBnB, people are slowly letting go of the reigns of ownership in favor of a social, access-driven share model that satisfies demand.”

How cool would it be if we could spiritually apply this trend? If we extracted the value we have long placed on “owning stuff” like cars, houses, clothes, etc. and replaced that with a pursuit of access and consumption to feed our inner desires? What if that focus on access and consumption was aimed toward God and the things He wants to share with us? The gifts He wants to give us. What if we could really shift our paradigm to view the things of this world as rented and replaceable and the things that are of God as owned and eternal? If we could view “things” as ways to facilitate our journey and not be the destination for our journey?

The blog author closes by suggesting that those of us in previous generations could learn a lot from these new consumers. I agree. Both in terms of our material existence, as well as our spiritual health.

Keeping the Quit

October 27, 2011 in Obedience, Sin | Leave a comment

At some point, you’ve likely heard a smoker say the following: “I just quit smoking. Again.” You’ve probably watched a friend or family member lose a lot of weight, just to put it all back on again. Or how about this? How many times have you declared on January 1 that you are going to hit the gym regularly? How long did that last?

It’s really difficult to sustain healthy behaviors when it comes to taking care of our bodies. I find the same goes for spiritual health. Removing sin “for good” instead of just “for now” is incredibly challenging.

The reason is that we tackle both our physical and spiritual health the same way. We try to attack our vices or bad habits through sheer will power, determination, discipline and resistance. And then we pat ourselves on the back as we have success. Every day we dodge a cigarette or a cupcake. Every time we resist a temptation.

In my life, I’ve learned the hard way that this approach will only take me so far. If I’m not getting to the root of the problem, deeply understanding the motivation behind my actions and the things that trigger me, I just don’t have long-term success. My victories are short-lived and then I’m right back at square one. Defeated and ashamed.

The real problem with discipline and resistance as a way of combatting sin or cigs is that you are only dealing with the “action” and not the “attitude”.

1 Timothy 5:24 says, “The sin of your heart is the sin of your hands.” That’s a powerful verse. For me, it says that patting myself on the back just because I resisted sin is foolish. I can only contain my hands for so long. If my heart is not in the right place, my hands will find a way to escape the feeble chains I’m using to suppress them.

If I’m merely avoiding the act but desiring the action, then I’m still sinning. I’m still struggling. And it’s only a matter of time before that manifests itself in an unhealthy way.

This is a different thought process than I’ve had before. For years, I looked at sin as being external. Am I behaving or am I misbehaving? But sin is internal. The sinful act is just a visible expression of the sinful attitude. And sometimes it takes a while for it to show up. But as the passage above points out, sooner or later, it will be seen.

I’m not saying that fleeing sin isn’t a great first step. The Bible says to resist Satan and he will flee from you. But without closely evaluating and caring for your heart, you can’t run far enough away to truly escape.

Ask anyone who has been successful with a diet, exercise plan or quitting a habit like smoking, and they will likely have a story about how it required that they face and overcome internal obstacles. The same goes for spiritual health. Talk to anyone who has “quit” a sin for good and they will share how they transformed their heart instead of only training their hands to do no harm.

The Spin Cycle

October 20, 2011 in Faith | Leave a comment

Just a simple thought for today to keep me grounded.

When I let stress overtake me…

When I let anxiety fill me…

When I let the swirl of life’s obstacles knock me off balance…

When I spend precious time worrying about God’s plan and His sovereignty…

When I start clutching to what I hold “valuable” in fear…

It’s like digging my fists into the ground and hanging on for dear life, just because the Earth is spinning on its axis. That’s how silly it is when I lack faith. That slow, insignificant movement of the world on its axis feels like being stuffed in a washing machine during the spin cycle.

The trivial burdens of life start to feel like mass chaos. Insurmountable. Overpowering. Because I’m placing the burden on myself, and not God.

Note to self: Slow it down. Breathe. And focus on God’s promises. Let Him worry about His plans.

Fishing in the Storm

October 12, 2011 in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’ve been trying to write this post for two weeks. Every time I try, something happens. An “emergency” or a distraction. It’s so appropriate since the topic of this post is about taking action.

For a long time, I’ve been spending time with God, deepening my relationship. I’ve been pursuing Him. I’ve been blogging and sharing my journey. I’ve been busy trying to organize my thoughts in book form. I’ve explored my wounds, become much more self aware. But I haven’t really taken action.

There’s a great passage in James 2:22 where it says, “…by works was faith made perfect.” Basically that when you are taking action, when you are compelled and propelled to work for God, and trust in Him, your faith is on display.

I’ve been suffering from analysis paralysis. I’ve been deeply studying what makes me tick, examining my heart, all that. But somewhere along the way, I fell into the trap of just peeling the onion. Pulling back layer after layer and being engulfed by every new insight. I’ve become way too introspective and pensive. And while all that is fine and good, and I definitely needed it, I’ve failed to shine my faith outward.

I’ve never been more aware or in tune with what’s inside of me. And at the same time, I’ve never had less of a clue how to engage with the world around me.

I started my day today by stumbling upon a quote from Vincent Van Gogh. He once said, “The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found those dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore. ”

I think at some level, I’m just holding back because it is much safer to simply focus on myself and study my inner workings versus taking chances and putting myself out there for God to use.

The storm is keeping me ashore.

I ended my day by reading a few pages of The Naked Now. And by now you know that I’m a big fan of Richard Rohr. I’ve read this book numerous times. But these pages spoke a little differently to me this time around. He was talking about contemplatives who were really introverts, trapped in their own patterns, making their lives unnecessary torture for themselves and those around them. Citing them as frustrated and frustrating people.

I wasn’t thinking of it in such dramatic terms, but sure, that shoe fits well enough.

In the following pages, he made a point that hit squarely with me, saying, “You normally have to let go of the old and go through a new stage of unknowing or confusion, before you can move to another level of awareness or new capacity.” He said that people who are growing in their faith often suffer bouts of great doubt at many levels because of that growth.

I guess that’s why this post kept getting postponed. I needed to hear what Rohr and Van Gogh had to say on the subject. It’s so clear now. I am at a point in my journey where I keep feeling stuck. What’s really happening is that I’m supposed to be entering the next phase that God has for me, but I’m dragging my feet in fear, wanting to spend more time re-hashing what I’ve learned already, staying in a safer, less confusing environment. No way I’m wandering out into the storm, into the great unknown where I don’t have land beneath my feet.

God is very clearly telling me that the next step is for me to just take action. To do something. To serve. I’m going to move on that. At this very second, I really don’t know what that means. But while I’m looking for the boat to carry me out into the throws of the sea, I’m going to start wading into the water.

Preserving the Perspective

September 29, 2011 in Journey | Leave a comment

I met a man this week, just a little older than me, who had just lost his son to leukemia a week earlier. He was diagnosed with cancer just two short weeks before he died. As I heard the story, I could only think of a lyric from the song If I Die Young …”the sharp knife of a short life.”

Usually, news like this affects me greatly in the moment. I think of how thankful I should be. I run home and kiss my wife and kids. But half an hour later, I’m consumed again by life’s great inconveniences and stressors, and just as quickly as I was startled into awareness, I fall back into the numbness most of us know all too well.

So this time, after hearing the tragic news of what happened to this family, while I was full of appreciation for what God had blessed me with, I decided to try and preserve that perspective, just like my grandma does with jams and green beans. I decided to keep track of everything that bothered me, frustrated me, upset me, distracted me and then go line by line and ask myself the question, “Based on what just happened to this child and his family, does any of this really matter?”

I kept my list for a week. And I’d like to share it with you below. I think the answer to “Does any of this really matter?” will be quite evident.

  • Kids engaging in a tug of war over the Wii and screaming, biting, kicking.
  • Ice cream machine not working at McDonalds.
  • Losing a game in fantasy football.
  • A mix up between my wife and I on whether we were meeting for dinner or if she was picking me up.
  • Mixed review from my boss on a key project that I was leading.
  • My iPhone shutting down and refusing to power back up.
  • Losing power at our house for two hours.
  • Playing poorly during a pickup basketball game.
  • My wife starting The Sing Off on DVR without me.
  • My Alma Mater playing the worst football game in the history of the sport.
  • Not having any bananas in the house.
  • Knocking over a glass if water.
  • Biting into a cold chicken nugget that should have been hot.
  • Failing to locate a specific t-shirt that went with an outfit.
  • Running late for a meeting because I was lost downtown.
  • Kids acting like wild animals at Buffalo Wild Wings.
  • My eyes hurting from straining at the computer.
  • More issues with my iPhone.
  • Cleaning up spilled chocolate milk on our living room carpet.
  • Kids not cooperating at bedtime.
  • Running late for work and school because we overslept.
  • Weeds taking over the flower bed again.
  • Losing an entire blog post because WordPress froze up.
  • Disputing a billing error with DirecTV.

It’s not like any of these (well at least not most of these) created extreme or sustained stress and anger. It’s not like each was a spectacle of an event that loomed large over me like a rain cloud. But life is just like this. Death by a thousand cuts. A relentless series of small inconveniences, minor annoyances, slight distractions that build upon one another and expand until they absolutely crush you under their weight. For most of us, the actual moments of crisis in our lives are few and far between. But the wear and tear of daily life can be just as violent and unforgiving if we allow it to eat at us and break us down.

It was so revealing for me to look back at my list and reflect on the small things that affected my mood over the course of the week. The tiny things that got a reaction, regardless of how small a reaction it was. Just keeping the list has been extremely useful as a tool to monitor and moderate myself. Every time I logged an annoyance on my list, it immediately took me back to that moment when I heard the story about this father and his lost son. And it preserved the perspective for me. It made it abundantly clear that I continue to fight the battle of dwelling on things that expire while neglecting the things that are eternal.

My list also helped remind me of just how blessed I am at this stage of my life. At the moment, my family is mourning the declining health of my wife’s grandmother, but otherwise, it’s hard to find legitimate things to hang our heads about. But we do. Sure, we have internal battles we’re fighting, wounds we’re trying to heal, etc. There are relationships to repair. Struggles to overcome. But God has provided so abundantly for our family. Look at my list. I bet it looks a lot like your list would look. My fantasy football team lost. Boo freakin hoo. I bit into a cold chicken nugget and didn’t have immediate access to a banana. Not exactly a food emergency. My iPhone wouldn’t work right. Oh my. How will I go on?

This all brings back a memory I have from a mission trip I took to Costa Rica when I was in grad school. We were in a poverty-stricken area. There were bars on the windows of every house, which was odd because there was nothing of value within to steal. The kids in the neighborhood were wearing the same clothes just about every day. They were ragged and stained. They had virtually nothing. Except an old, torn and tattered soccer ball that they kicked around. And they couldn’t stop smiling.

I thank those children in Costa Rica, and I thank this poor child in Nashville who lost his short battle with cancer. I thank them for giving me the gift of perspective. For keeping me tuned in to what really matters. For not allowing me to be numb and worn down by the daily grind, not to be screaming, “Calgon, take me a way” and hiding in a bubble bath because my life is so “stressful”.  Even if my family were to endure a crisis – sickness, unemployment, etc. – even if we had to endure a series of them, we would still be blessed beyond measure. It’s that line of thinking that I want to cling to. I know it’s hard to do. Life is crafty and deceptive and relentless. All that means is that I have to meet it with a relentless pursuit for perspective. And ask God to power me in that pursuit.

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Past Stops on the Journey

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