You Are So Much More

March 14, 2013 in Sin | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“You are so much more than the worst thing you’ve ever done.”

— Father Gregory Boyles, Founder of Homeboy Industries

I think we all need to hear that every once in a while. When we fail, when we screw up, when we step out of bounds, outside of God’s will, it can feel as if we’re so dirty we can never be clean again. Most of us have mistakes in our lives that we repeat over and over. So, forget feeling bad about a one time offense. We’re constantly in repentance mode. This time it’s for real!

But no matter what you’ve done, where you are, or how you got there, this is true. In God’s eyes, you (and me) are so much more.

Accepting the Outcome

March 7, 2013 in Faith, Relationship | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

windowsNo. No. No.

No thanks.

Thanks, but no thanks.

No.

What was I thinking? As a person who struggles with the need for affirmation, I willingly took my career in a direction where I will hear the word “no” from most of the people I encounter. That’s the equivalent of a man who is scared of heights taking a job washing the windows of New York City skyscrapers.

On the one hand, you could say this is a very courageous thing for me to do. And I suppose that would be accurate. The problem is that while I’ve had the courage to make the climb, I don’t have enough courage to be ok with the possibility of falling.

I was struggling to find a good way to articulate it, when I overheard my son’s Taekwondo instructor say the following at the end of class today. “It’s good to have the courage to compete. But what’s even more important is to have the courage to accept the outcome.” Um, yeah, what he just said.

In my spiritual journey, both professionally and personally, I’ve definitely mustered up the courage to step out in faith and to put one foot in front of the other. Absolutely. But what I’m missing is the courage to accept the outcome. I have been pursuing my journey with fear in my heart. Fear of what might be asked of me. Fear that my business might fail. That I might be asked to make personal sacrifices. That there may be a fall required for me to land where I need to land.

As a result, I’ve pulled back, and in some cases paralyzed myself. Refusing to move forward. Unable to do so. Because I haven’t had the courage to unconditionally accept whatever the outcome might be.  This has led me off the path in multiple instances. It’s placed distance between me and God.

I’m not that discouraged though. For two reasons. The first is that this is the biggest self revelation I’ve had in a while, and awareness is, after all, the first step toward solving any problem. The second is that no matter how lost I become along the way, no matter how far I drift from God, it’s an easy road back to Him. As it says in Malachi 3: 7, “…Return to Me, and I will return to you.”

I feel continually blessed that God chooses to speak to me in mysterious and unexpected ways. And that He continues to seek me out, even when I’m not in the frame of mind to move toward Him as it says in that verse. My prayer for today is simple. I’m asking for courage to accept the outcome, so that I continue the journey toward it with less fear and more faith.

The Deafness of Doubt

February 6, 2013 in Faith | Leave a comment

earsThere are days when the doubt is deafening. When I literally can’t tune it out or speak over it. When I literally can’t hear anything that anyone is saying to me. It’s disorienting, debilitating and destructive.

I’ve come to realize in these moments of crisis that I’m misplacing my faith in the first place. I act as if the decision is whether or not I believe in me, instead of whether or not I believe in my God. When I allow my self doubt to overcome me, I’m also declaring defeat of the Lord at the same time. I’m saying that not only is this too big for me, but it’s also too big for Him.

But in these moments, I can’t even hear myself think. It’s as if my eardrums would burst with the addition of one extra decibel. The deafening sounds of doubt have filled them to the brim. I also have realized in these moments that it’s too late to summon my faith when the doubt shows up. I need my God locked and loaded before I find myself in crisis. Deeper, stronger, healthier roots are required to weather the storm. You can’t simply grow them when you start to feel the wind kick up.

The bottom line is that despite good intensions, I’ve not depended my beliefs and secured my faith. It’s still as weak and feeble as ever. Easily overpowered by the overwhelming concerns of daily life and the relentless pressures of this planet and its people. A place where it’s easy to not measure up, to never catch up, to forget to look up.

Today, the doubt is deafening. It’s hard to find God’s voice. It’s hard to concentrate. It’s hard to gain perspective. But mostly, it’s just so loud and so hard to hear.

My prayer for tonight is silence. And for tomorrow, strength.

The Moment of Faith – My Seventh Month

January 6, 2013 in Faith, Journey, Obedience | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Most of us have faith when we have to have it. When there is no other recourse. When we are at the end of our rope, and we realize we can’t get there without God.

Most of us have faith when it’s not hard yet. When everything is working just great for us, and life is good. When it really doesn’t require all that much of us.

But there is a place between those two extremes when most of us lose faith. It’s that moment just before the point of no return. When we’re staring down a situation or circumstance, and we blink. In that moment, we doubt God’s power. We decide we can’t go through with it. We freak out and run. And we miss out because we move before we let God move. It’s in that moment where we decide whether we’re going to trust God or trust ourselves.

This is a very unfortunate truth. I feel confident you can point to at least one time in your life when you failed to hold your ground. When you saw an out and took it. When push came to shove, and you pushed and shoved your way out of God’s will because it got real, and it got really scary.

I feel like I’m facing a moment of faith myself. Trying not to bail. Trying to see it through and trust that God is leading me down an intentional path. But it’s hard. I started my new company six months ago. January actually marks my seventh month in business. But last week, I all but panicked. I looked out ahead and couldn’t clearly see what God had waiting for me. To date, I’ve been pulling in enough work to keep me busy and pay our bills and all. But January, my seventh month, marks the first time that client work feels really light. This happens with all startups, but that doesn’t make it any less disconcerting.

As I pondered my next steps, I realized that I could either a. continue to diligently pursue the path I believe God has me on and trust that I’m right and that He will provide. Or b. I could bail, quickly begin looking for work and take matters into my own hands. I grabbed my Bible to calm myself with scripture. Opening it randomly to Ezra, I started reading in Chapter 3. There it talks about worship being restored at Jerusalem.

In verses 3-4, it says, “Though fear had come upon them…they set the alter on its bases and they offered burnt offerings on it to the Lord both morning and evening…they also kept the Feast of the Tabernacles, as it is written, and offered the daily burnt offerings in the number required…”

So in other words, they were afraid, freaked out, but they continued in obedience, pushing ahead despite fear and worry. What was most powerful for me in this passage was the way it started. “And when the seventh month had come…” Their seventh month. As in my seventh month. I feel like God clearly had something to say to me that afternoon.

So, at the moment, I’m a little freaked out still, but I’m proceeding ahead in the direction I feel God is leading, and trying to rest in peace knowing He will deliver me and my family accordingly. But this moment of faith is tremendously difficult. And every morning, I wake up, and I feel like running. I feel like blinking. But I won’t. I can’t. Not if I want to see God move.

2013 Resolutions, More or Less

January 2, 2013 in Journey | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 comments

2013Welcome to 2013. I’m not much for resolutions in the new year, but I do think it’s a great opportunity to push reset and try again.

So if I had to officially state my plans for the year ahead, the following five objectives sum it up, more or less.

1. Believe more, doubt less. In myself, my God and others.

2. Ride more, drive less. If God is truly in control, why do I keep reaching for the wheel? In addition to faith, I could use a little patience. And self control.

3. Write more, think less. I’ve been a horrible writer lately. Not because I’m writing badly, but because I’m not writing regularly. I need to get stuff out of my head and down on paper (or screen).

4. Finish more, start less. Which is the opposite of my nature. The first thing I’m going to finish this year is that book I keep talking about. Long overdue.

5. Smile more, stress less. This will be the hardest one, because it really depends on whether I can accomplish objectives 1 and 2. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I’m just not thankful enough. The glass is actually half full if I’m being rational with myself.

And that’s what I’ll be focused on, more or less. Oh, and I also want to be fluent in Spanish, eat better, be smarter financially, be an even better dad and husband, go somewhere I’ve always wanted to go and grow a successful business. Ok, that’s it. Piece of cake, right?

Why You’re Spiritually Stuck: The 3Ps

December 1, 2012 in Journey, Relationship | Leave a comment

stuckWow, ok so this blog is on life support. I all but abandoned it. But it’s time to try and revive it, and me in the process. I’ve been in a slump lately spiritually. Can’t shake out of it. Just don’t feel alive and in relationship with God. BUT, I have diagnosed the problem. Make that problems, with an “s” actually.

I’m sure you will be able to relate to these as well. I’m calling them the 3Ps for why you’re spiritually stuck. If you aren’t moving in the right direction, or at all, it’s likely you have a problem with your purpose, plan and/or perspective. For me, it’s all the above.

Purpose

Your eyes are not on the prize.

Luke 11:33 – No one, when he has a lit lamp, puts it in a secret place or under a basket, but on a lamp stand, that those who come may see the light. The lamp of the body is the eye. Therefore, when your eye is good, your body also is full of light.

I haven’t been focused on God lately. In the relationship with Him. I’ve been wrapped up in life, in everyday circumstances, in my own personal challenges and issues. I’ve lost concentration on what my overall purpose really is. My eye is not good at the moment, which means my mind and body aren’t directed toward God as they should be.

What’s worse is that many times over I’ve declared that I understand my purpose and am dedicated to it. But I’m not following through. Job 35:13 says that God doesn’t listen to “empty talk” and oh boy have I been an empty talker.

Plan

One step or bite at a time.

I’ve been doing research lately for an organization that helps solve “wicked problems”, meaning challenges that are big, complex and challenging to solve. A great example of a wicked problem is the healthcare industry. Healthcare in our country is tragically broken, and to develop a meaningful solution will require multiple stakeholder groups to collaborate. Wicked problems are entangled, knotted messes that can be overwhelming to even approach.

For me, my spiritual walk, dealing with my sin, embracing my wounds all feels like a wicked problem. There’s no simple solution. It’s a journey that is intricate and complicated. A lifetime of a mess that’s been made and needs to be untangled. And I can’t do it alone.

The experts approach wicked problems in a rather simplistic way. The same way you’d “eat an elephant” as in one bite (or step) at a time. God asks me to do much the same. To walk in faith. To take the next step, and then the next one. In Proverbs 16:20 it says that “He who heeds the word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.” I haven’t been extremely happy, because once again I’ve been making plans, running scenarios and trying to make it happen myself. Not having complete faith that God will direct my steps.

Perspective

The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole. – Oscar Wilde

I’ve been quite the pessimist lately. And have been seeing the negative instead of the positive. The hole instead of the donut. It’s really caused my overall perspective on things to be quite backwards. I’ve let myself be concerned about my performance in terms of my spiritual walk. Holding an incomplete view of God as the great hand of discipline only. I’ve graded my thoughts and actions on how they stack up to what God wants for me. How disappointed He must be. How I’m falling short of what I know I should be doing. Meanwhile, I’ve viewed people around me with great skepticism. As if i were the prey and they were the predators. People can be mean for sure. And self interested. And cut throat. And I’ve been building a long list internally, compiling every slight wrongful deed or word as a file of evidence.

A few verses in Job pulled me back out of this warped visioning.

In Job 34:29 it says, “When He gives quietness, who then can make trouble?” In that brief verse, there was an understanding and remembrance that washed over me. God is not a punisher. He’s a protector. He’s not simply keeping score. He’s providing safety. And the calm, peace, security that He gives can’t be taken away. Isn’t that quite a different perspective to have?

As I continued reading, I hit chapter 35, verse 8, “Your wickedness affects a man such as you, and your righteousness a son of man.” Again, I was transported back to a time when I understood. The impact of my actions, of my obedience or lack thereof to God, isn’t contained to me. I have impact, both positive and negative, on the world around me. My spiritual journey has relevance.

In my wounded nature, my sinful self, I have a daily impact on those I encounter. And I either offer perfume or poison. Just as they do for me. We’re all in this together. We’re all broken, hurt, wounded. We’re not predators. Well most of us anyway. Ha! We’re all just trying to make sense of our lives and achieve some level of healing. And we hurt each other along the way. And we help each other along the way.

My perspective had me isolated. Stuck between a God that I was treating as a punisher and people I was treating as predators. I was hiding from both. Feeling disconnected. When in reality, my God offers unshakeable peace. And the people around me the opportunity for healthy connection and healing. Donut. Not hole.

And so there are the 3Ps according to me. I’m working on them all simultaneously at the moment. And I have a long way to go. And I’m sure I’ll come up with a fourth P before all is said and done. Hope this has been helpful. It’s good to be back on the blog. I’ll do my best to keep it up.

A Song About Addiction

September 17, 2012 in Sin | Leave a comment

I wrote the following song the other night not really knowing what it was about as it was rattling around in my head. It wasn’t until I had it all scribbled on scraps of paper that it made sense. It was about addiction. Sin. The hamster wheels we find ourselves on, the cycles we can’t break. Like an unhealthy relationship with a person we just can’t quit. No matter how toxic the situation is, we just hang on. The relationship (the sin) is serving a purpose. It’s filling a need. And the deeper we go, the harder it is to pull back out, the more destructive it becomes. It’s a vicious spiral.

In the end, as humans, we’ll always have a relationship with sin. It will always be there. We have to find ways to “just be friends” and to stop the love affair with it. And deal with the core issues, before we create deeper scars.

Anyway, hope this makes sense to you. It’s been a while since a song has hit me. I guess this one arrived because I’ve been so consumed by my own hamster wheels lately, and I’ve been on edge, frustrated and distant from God because of it. Not willing to trust Him with my troubles.

 
Deeper Scars
 
I don’t understand
the kind of shape I’m in
and why it’s been so long
 
I can’t comprehend 
why you keep standing in
when it all feels so wrong
 
Can you just not pretend
that everything is grand
you must know it’s falling apart
 
What if this is not a trend
but the beginning of the end
the start of deeper scars
 
Start over again, you know I would
If we could go back to friends, I think we should
If we press on from here, I fear we’ll go too far
Maybe we should just let go
Before we start deeper scars
 
The knife’s broken the skin
we keep shoving it in
bleeding all the while
 
A bloody, bloody mess
still we won’t confess
as our sad eyes force the smiles
 
We shake our pretty heads
declare that we’re not dead
but we are in denial
 
Evidence is this
no ignorance is bliss
don’t even bother with a trial
 
Start over again, you know I would
If we could go back to friends, I think we should
If we press on from here, I fear we’ll go too far
Maybe we should just let go
Before we start deeper scars
 
 

Checking In

September 13, 2012 in Journey | Leave a comment

So, it’s been a while. And it’s gonna be a little longer. This really won’t count as quality blogging. The truth is that I haven’t had time, energy or motivation to direct to writing in recent weeks. But as a writer, you’re always told to write. To just write. When you don’t feel inspired, or you don’t feel equipped or whatever the challenge you’re facing…just write…something.

That’s what this is. It’s something. It’s a brief hello after a couple of months of silence. My new business is going pretty good. I have clients. We’re paying bills. There’s a lot to do and a lot of stress involved. The whole “not knowing” thing is getting the best of me at the moment.

I don’t feel like God’s been around a whole lot lately though. I don’t feel close to Him. And I’m not pursuing Him as actively as I have been. I know we all go through these seasons in our walks. I just always dread them, and always regret them when they are done. It can feel lonely. I also know that it’s me who wandered off, that God is right where I left Him.

Hoping to share more soon. But for today, this is a victory.

Let Go

July 29, 2012 in Faith, Journey | Leave a comment

There’s a book called “Let Go” which features a series of letters written by Francois de Salignac de La Mothe Fenelon. Let’s just call him Fenelon from here on. He was the Archbishop of Cambrai, France, during the seventeenth century and a well-respected spiritual advisor.

A good friend of mine shared a copy of Fenelon’s work with me a week or so ago, following a spiritual chat over breakfast. It had been very helpful to him, and based on our conversation, he thought I would find value as well. He’s been right so far.

I’m a few weeks in as a small business owner. And business has been good early on. I have three clients with active projects, and several other opportunities that could come through soon. But I’ve noticed that building a business is really time consuming. Yeah, I know. What a surprise! I have also noticed that I live and die each day based on how the business is going. If I get good news, or something goes right, I feel good. If something throws me off course or doesn’t go as planned, I feel bad.

I’ve also noticed that while it’s really physically demanding to start a new business, it’s mentally overwhelming if you let it be. You think about it constantly, running things through the back of your mind no matter what you’re focused on at the moment. You worry, you scheme, you dream about it. It can take over everything before you know it, preventing you from being present with your family, friends, even – or should I say, especially – God.

Letting go is obviously a big issue with me. Luckily, I’m reading a book on how to do it. Perfect timing, God.

In one of the first letters of the book, Fenelon had this conversation with me:

Fenelon: “Haven’t you yet learned that the strivings of the human mind not only impair the health of your body, but also bring dryness to the soul?”

Me: “Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

Fenelon: “Do you think God can speak in soft tender accents that melt the soul, in the midst of such inner confusion as you permit by that endless, hurrying parade of thoughts going through your mind?”

Me: “Well, I suppose not.”

Fenelon: “Be quiet, and He will soon be heard.”

Me: “So, I hear ya. But that’s not as easy as it sounds.”

The letter encourages peace through simplicity and obedience. Suggesting that peace is quickly destroyed by  a restless mind. And that inner striving can consume you. He’s got a great point, because this all has been true for me. Just as I’ve declared that I’m finally taking action and moving into what God has for me, I’ve engaged in so much inner striving, so many hurrying parades of thoughts that I’ve not been still in a very long time. I’ve not posted on this blog. I’ve not meditated with God. I’ve not regularly prayed to hear from Him. I’ve been working furiously to make everything make sense. Getting adrenaline and affirmation from successes and crippling anxiety and worry from defeats. I go high, I go low, and I keep running right past the happy medium that lies in being at peace with God.

So my prayer is that I can get better at letting go. That I can be still and hear God. That I can release the pressure and expectations I’m placing on myself and allow God to work through the gifts He’s given me and the opportunities He brings my way. That’s going to be tough!

Giving Up on God

June 25, 2012 in Faith, Journey | Leave a comment

I read an interesting article last week titled 3 Reasons Young Americans Are Giving up on God. If you’re short on time, the study cited claims that fundamentalist stances on issues like homosexuality, increasing visibility of atheist role models, and ongoing attacks by liberals are the 3 causes to blame for Americans under the age of 30 doubting the existence of God.

I’ve felt that way lately. Like I could give up on God. Like I wanted to question His very existence. Not because of overly zealous campaigns from the right or the left, or because of compelling arguments from non-believers. Then again, I’m also closer to 40 than 30, so I don’t suppose this specific study speaks for me in any event. What a sad truth!

But I have felt that way. Questioning, at the very least, God’s plan for me. Questioning whether there really is a plan for me, or if I’m destined to always be asking the question, “What’s next?” and never feeling like “what” is “now.”

And yet all along the way, no matter how much I question, doubt, object, deny, turn away from or otherwise dismiss God’s providence, He just keeps whittling away. Making a beautiful carving out of a block of wood.

If I look back over the last six months, the only truthful thing I can say is that God’s fingerprints are ALL over it. If I honestly reflect on the 100 semi-related events that have all occurred at just the right time to pave the way toward where God wants my journey to continue, I have no recourse other than to be amazed. But of course, I find a way not to be. It’s a specialty of mine.

I’ve been tied up in knots the last few weeks because I’ve decided to start my own company. I’m so fearful of failure. I’m so timid and weak and freaked out. Every little thing sends me spiraling. Questioning whether I can do this. My wife wants to pull her hair out. She believes in this direction, that I’m doing exactly what God wants. That everything will be just fine. Meanwhile, I’m manic. And God knows this.

Every time I hit the wall, and I want to retreat and find a safer way to exist, a way that isn’t what God has for me, He moves in me, around me, for me. Just this past week, when I was on the verge of not following through with my new business, a phone call came out of the blue, offering me my first paying customer. A customer that wanted to pay in advance for the work. And to pay enough to help me transition from my old job to this new venture. Or at the very least, make it a little easier and a little less scary.

I remain the owner of many doubts and fears. Insecurities. Lies. My faith is not nearly as strong as it needs to be. But I’ve decided I’m not going to give up on my journey, no matter how disconcerting it feels while I’m in the middle of it with no view from the top. And I’ve decided that unlike some of my younger brothers and sisters out there, I’m not giving up on my God.

Instead, I’m going to brace myself for what’s next and take it like a man, or at least like a mouse with protective headgear. Signing off now, and strapping on my helmet. There’s cheese to seize.

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Past Stops on the Journey

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