the way to (t)here

In 2009, I went heavy on the resolutions. I was going to take my familiarity of Spanish into fluency. I was going to learn to play the guitar. I was going to finish one of the 6 unfinished books in my writing files. I was going to upgrade my proficiency in photography. I was going to get our family finances in better order. I was going to deeply strengthen my walk with God. I was…well, I was going to do lots of things. By March, I was in the weeds, lost in the woods and failing miserably at all pursuits. And that’s how I became another statistic in the New Year’s Resolution game. I am hopeful that 2010 will be different. Mostly because I am focusing my efforts this year. My only resolution this year is to FEED THE LAKE.

I recently mentioned that I finally heeded some insightful advice and picked up a copy of Madeleine L’Engle’s book “Walking on Water” which basically talks about being a Christian AND an artist. It’s so very fitting that the woman who first inspired me to love reading when I happened upon her book, “A Wrinkle in Time” at a book fair in elementary school, would be the same to provide me sage insight just when I was all but paralyzed in my search for the meaning of life and how to use my talents in the way God would have me.

There is a section in Walking on Water where she talks about how every writer is contributing to this massive lake of art. How some writers will flow rivers of content, while others might just grace the body of water with a few drops. In the end, all writers have the same goal: feeding the lake. Creating more today than existed yesterday. She also talks about serving your work, dying to your own motives, letting the work guide you. She also talks of discipline, of commitment. I’ve been missing all those things, so today I resolve to feed the lake daily. To be singularly focused on generating more today than existed yesterday. To serve the work and let it guide me. I hope that not only will this relieve my recent bout of writer’s block but also that it will provide clearer direction down the path God would have me travel, the one that leads closer to Him.

The biggest challenge will be not to get sidetracked. So I’ve been praying for some help in keeping my focus. God does have a sense of humor. Less than 24 hours after I made the internal decision to feed the lake every day, and to focus on writing in 2010, my wife gave me a very thoughtful Christmas present. A new guitar. I pulled it from the box, strummed the strings a few times, fiddled with the tuning (like I could really tune it) and then hooked up the shoulder strap. And then I grabbed it by the shoulder strap, which popped out and sent the guitar crashing to the hardwood floor where the neck splintered. Got the message, thanks. Focus on the writing.

FEED THE LAKE. 

I’m not taking it to mean that I can’t replace the guitar and casually learn to play it this year. But I did hear loud and clear that I am not to let it, or any of my other 500 hobbies and interests, be a distraction, or even worse, an excuse, for not following through.

Second visit to Grace Chapel. Actually third if you count the Christmas production. And finally, I was going to hear the pastor speak. We are currently trying to make some decisions regarding our church home, and have been excited about the experience at Grace Chapel, but have been really wanting to hear from their senior pastor. This was the day. But nope, some young dude (I feel old now that I would say/think “some young dude”) took the stage. A stand in. A substitute. Are you kidding me! I was completely disappointed and all but immediately tuned out. It was like going to a concert only to find that your favorite band is using a last minute fill in as lead singer. But as I sat there pouting, something strange happened. God spoke to me anyway.

One of the greatest challenges for the church is that everyone approaches it with expectations. That was one of the first things this “young dude” said. Either expectations for themselves or expectations of others, but in any event they are “expecting” something. Um, yep. I was expecting the senior pastor. But now I was listening intently. God had sent me a personal message. He said, “Hey, you know I can speak through anyone I choose, right? Well, today I chose this young dude.” And so I tuned back in.

So he continued to paint a picture of what church should look like. He talked about the importance of relationship. He provided a roadmap found in Matthew 22. Love the Father. Love each other. And and that’s the way it’s done. I don’t know about you, but for the longest time I’ve showed up at church with great expectations. Hey, God, can you charge my battery? Man, I hope the worship is good today. What’s going to be in the sermon for me today? If I spent less time worried about all that and focused on being in relationship with God and those around me, I am pretty sure God will take care of the rest and provide me with the spiritual nourishment, motivation, support that I need.

Finally, on a mostly unrelated note, the young dude said something delivered straight to me from God. He said something to the effect of “You know that feeling you have inside, like there’s gotta be more? God planted that there.” I started this journey based on that exact feeling. That restless, unrequited, frustrating, nagging, painful, unrelenting feeling that there has to be more. I hadn’t, believe it or not, considered that God had placed it there. That puts a new spin on it for me.

There’s a book my oldest son really enjoys called “Put Me in the Zoo.” The story goes something like this. There’s this large spotted animal, I think it’s some sort of cross between a big cat and a polar bear. Anyway, the animal really wants to be in the zoo, but they keep tossing him out. He does this really cool trick with his spots; he can turn them different colors. Two kids, who are talking to him throughout the story, suggest that actually the circus is the place for him. So, he goes to the circus and sees for himself, exclaiming, “The Circus IS the Place for Me!”

I have read this book to Kade 100 times. Tonight when I read it, I saw something I never saw before. The point. These kids books are actually pretty deep sometimes. Kade loves the zoo. He loves the animals. He loves everything about it. We recently took him to see the circus though. And he was mesmerized. His jaw was on the floor. He was truly amazed. His circus blew the zoo away.

I started wondering how many times I’ve been bent out of shape about the friggin zoo, like that kid from Jerry McGuire, all bawled up and focused on some pursuit or passion or aspiration that I set for myself. Meanwhile, God has a circus waiting for me somewhere, and I’m too short-sighted to get it. I’m so devastated that I can’t get into the zoo. That’s all I can process. God’s will, not mine. That’s a hard one to remember.  So, every time I start trying to figure out a way into the zoo, I keep telling myself to stop it and wait till the circus comes to town.