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Today’s post will be a little shorter than usual. Just getting right to the point with this one.
Over the last year, I’ve learned a lot about myself. My past. My future. My present. How to live life. How to trust God. How to make sense of things that don’t make sense. How to be present. Along the way, I’ve picked up some effective ways to help me zero in on what I’m feeling and more importantly, help me say or do the next right thing. This doesn’t mean I always say or do the next right thing. But with every passing day, I get better at that.
Here are the three small phrases that are currently making a big difference in my life, and I think if you try them out, you’ll see they will make a big difference in yours as well.
- But Why… Whatever you are thinking or feeling, whatever emotion is rising up within you, it is the product of an unmet need and/or an unhealed wound. Usually, there are layers upon layers that we have to peel back before we get to the bottom of it. When you catch yourself overreacting to a situation or feeling something that is unsettling, or being tempted to do something that isn’t good for you, pause for a second and ask, But why?” Try to uncover what’s driving your bad mood, your craving, your unhealthy response or your negative thoughts.
- So That… This is a powerful one. Everything happening in your life right now is under the specific instruction of a power higher than yourself. Ask what God has for you in this current situation. Whatever the trial, obstacle, adversity or suffering you find yourself in, there is a “so that” to it. I heard this phrase for the first time while attending my local church several months ago. Liked it so much, I stole it and have been using it ever since to remind me that even when I don’t understand what God is doing, there is a point to it. A bigger picture. I just have to be patient enough to let Him work.
- And Then… I use this when faced with choices and decisions. What is the likely outcome, consequences, etc. to choosing path a over path b. If you are in pain and wanting to medicate in any way to avoid it, you must know that the pain will still be there waiting on you when you’re done, and you’ll also have the consequence of your medicine of choice (which depending on the individual ranges from alcohol to drugs to pornography to binge eating to shopping to gambling to burning hours on social media). If you respond to your current situation out of an unstable emotional state, you will damage the relationship or the scenario even further. Sometimes just being able to see the potential fallout from an unhealthy decision is enough to help you make a healthy one instead.
All three of these phrases are a part of my daily vocabulary now. I’m doing my best to be present in my decision making, in my daily actions, in my relationships, in each and every hour I’ve been blessed with from above. Too often, we go through live in reaction mode, with no real perspective on what is happening to us, why it’s happening and what will happen next. Practice these three phrases for a week, each and every time you get the opportunity, and I bet you feel better equipped to deal with your life in a positive way.
I recently watched a television special on ESPN featuring the story of Southern Methodist University and its football team’s infamous journey from rising national powerhouse to being wiped off the map by the NCAA’s death penalty in 1985. For all the non-sports fans out there, SMU cheated in 100 different ways to build a winning football team, and after several rebukes by the NCAA, its program was effectively destroyed by the harshest punishment in NCAA history. The program is only now showing signs of life, more than 30 years later.
Many of the people who created the cheating culture and conducted the majority of illegal and unethical behavior were long gone by the time the NCAA brought down the hammer. The head coach who was there when the ship finally sank wasn’t the one who set course for the iceberg. He just couldn’t steer the ship clear in time. That fate had been set in motion and could not be avoided.
This is a great example of the long tail of sin. The echoes that mistakes can make in times to come. The consequence, sometimes delayed, of regrets, wounds and weakness.
It can seem unfair, when the echoes come. When you think you’ve seen the worst of it. So relieved to have it behind you, whatever “it” is, and to be starting over. But the consequences aren’t always immediate. Sometimes, your mistakes set into motion a series of other painful events that are yet to unfold in your life. The tendency, at least for me, is to then ask God what in the world He thinks He’s doing. Why is He continuing to punish you for the mistakes you made? Why is some of that punishment delayed? Why now? Why isn’t He restoring instead of destroying? Why is He hurting (you and others) instead of healing? Why is He not choosing to create a happy ending here? We expect that once we’ve repented, once we’ve made amends, once we’ve given it all up to God, it’s time for the miracle, the redemption. That is all true. But if the ship has been directed at an iceberg, God makes no promises that you won’t still hit it.
“Your affliction is incurable. Your wound is severe.”
That’s a quote from Jeremiah 30:12-18. This passage says that you’ll be bound up, have nothing to heal you, be forgotten by your lover, all because of the multitude of your iniquities and the increase of your sin. And then, it asks a hurtful question.
“Why do you cry about your affliction?” As if it should be assumed that this is happening.
At the end of the passage, after explaining that you are receiving grave consequences because of your sin, it says God will “restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.” Those incurable, self-inflicted, devastating wounds. God’s plan is perfect, even though it can be painful.
Another passage, Malachi 2:13-15, says, “You cover the alter of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.” As you read along, it continues, “Yet you say ‘For what reason?'” The passage answers the question, stating that the Lord has been witness to your transgression.
Alexander MacLaren is one of my favorite commentators on scripture. In his examination of these verses, he says:
“Every sin draws after it evil consequences which work themselves out” in your life. “The miseries which follow our sins are self-inflicted, and for the most part automatic.”
In other words, you will reap what you sow. I guess that cliché is true after all. He continues, “If we understand the connection between sin and suffering, and the fact that the sorrows which are but the echoes of preceding sins have all a distinctively moral and restorative purpose, we are prepared rightly to estimate how tenderly the God who warns us against our sins by what men call threatenings, loves us while He speaks.”
And just like the previous scripture in Jeremiah, there remains a promise for redemption.
“No sin can stay our reception of a multitude of good gifts,” said MacLaren.
Sorrows as echoes of preceding sins. That’s really hard to accept. Especially when you feel like you are no longer the person who set the ship on a collision course with the iceberg in the first place. When a changed heart, and a revived spirit is within you. When you’ve begun to transform your life. When you do the work. You likely expect it’s now time for restoration, hope, reward, joy. Not the beginning of an even more difficult journey.
Sometimes, that is true. And sometimes, the long tail of sin still has to work its way out of the picture. And the tip of that tail is most likely the most painful part of it.
I encourage anyone out there who is trying to change, to rebuild, to make things better, to understand that the echoes won’t last forever. At some point, you’ve hit the iceberg, put the pieces back together, and you start winning again. It may feel like forever. But the consequences will work themselves out in your life. In the midst of the echoes is not the time to give up on your God. Even if you are losing what you dearly love. It’s exactly the time when He’s getting ready to do His most miraculous work. It’s not a convenient process. But you can’t argue with the conclusion. It’s hard. It hurts. I don’t know why things are unfolding as they are for you. I can’t even begin to answer that question for myself at the moment. But I want to see how the story ends. God tells great stories.
One of the funniest 3 minutes of cinema, in my humble opinion, is a dinner scene in The Nutty Professor, where the grandma of the family challenges her son, Cletus, to come around to her side of the table to settle an argument. She tells him with extreme confidence that “you walk over, but you’re limping back.”
It’s pretty scary, entering into a fight against an opponent you know you can’t beat. They will impose their will on you. They will defeat you. There’s no way to escape affliction. Cletus knew what his mom said was the truth. If he walked over, he’d be limping back!” He talked a good game, but in the end, he let that fear nail him to his seat. He was not about to get within arms reach of that feisty old lady.
I can identify with Cletus. With the fear he felt. It’s the same fear I felt when God was summoning me to engage with Him. To come around the table and wrestle with Him.
Jacob famously wrestled with God and forever walked with a limp afterward, a continual reminder of the wisdom he received during that encounter. No doubt, if you come around the table to wrestle with God, you will limp back. It’s a fact. I knew this was the truth. Like Cletus, I sat in my chair and refused to move closer to God. Not wanting to be afflicted with a limp.
This is where the comparison with Cletus ends. It was probably a smart move for him to stay seated. But when it’s God and not Grandma issuing the challenge, not answering the call is short sighted at best. The alternative, if we refuse to wrestle, is to be caged by sin. Paralyzed by fear, shame, guilt, resentment and a host of other negative emotions. Enslaved by our past, taken out by our wounds.
It’s okay to be afraid. But here’s what you have to do about it:
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God…do not cast away your confidence…you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise. – Hebrews 10: 31-36
It is an illusion to believe that we are walking just fine without God. If we try to just go along with our life, just push down the darkness, just shove those painful memories in a corner, just minimize and rationalize our behavior, just ignore the hurt, we in essence will be rendered unable to walk at all. Emotionally crippled. Paralyzed. Because we didn’t want to endure the pain of walking with a limp. Of engaging in our own work, dealing with our own stuff, and allowing God to touch us in a way that marks His purpose in our lives.
I currently walk with a very noticeable limp. I’ve had to face fears, insecurities, wounds, trauma, abuse and a rash of poor decisions and regrettable actions on my part. I have wrestled with God, continue to do so. And my flesh is losing the fight. That’s a good thing. It hurts. I’ll never walk the same when I’m done. But that’s a good thing. A really, really good thing. Sure beats not walking at all.
I’m not an alcoholic. That’s not a specific fight I’ve had to wage personally, even though I can certainly appreciate the struggle of addiction (like most of us if we’re being honest with ourselves). But over time, I’ve been exposed to the AA Big Book, and I believe there is an infinite amount of wisdom to be had in those pages for any of us who want to live a healthier, happier, more Christ-centered life. No matter what fight you are fighting. I’d like to share a specific nugget with you guys today.
I’ve been hurt. Haven’t you? I’ve hurt others. Same is true for you, right? It’s universal. We humans are really bad about hurting each other.
The problem is that usually when we’re the ones getting hurt, we can only see our pain and suffering. And when we’re hurting others, we generate a rash of excuses for why it’s acceptable or necessary behavior we are engaging in. There’s so much more to it than that. I am in full realization of that now, and it’s a powerful truth in my life.
On page 104 of the Big Book, it reads…
“We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.”
When people are sick, they let you know by casting shadows of their pain out into the world. Their actions will tell you more about how they are hurting and how they are coping with that pain than anything they could verbally articulate. Unfortunately, those shadows can sting people who get within striking distance of them. Many times, they unintentionally harm others.
We’ve heard this before. Here are a few reasons why it’s so critically important to internalize this truth on a daily basis.
First, it helps to process this fact when you are faced with someone who has wronged you. The amount of resentment and anger you muster up will be greatly reduced if you pause for a moment and ask yourself what is the wound that is creating this behavior in them. However they have wronged you, it is an expression of a sickness. A shadow of what’s inside. When you view your transgressor as having an illness, you immediately increase the amount of empathy and perspective you bring to the equation. Your mindset will shift from how you can get retribution for your pain to how you can help this wounded person before you.
Secondly, you can have more insight into your own behaviors and how, or why, you may be hurting others. If you can be more in touch with the sickness in your heart that creates harm, you can more effectively address it and limit the amount of pain you create for yourself and others moving forward.
I don’t say all of this to suggest that you use your own pain as an excuse for your actions toward others. Nor am I suggesting you give others a free pass for mistreating you, just because they are sick. BUT…the very best way to purge yourself of toxic resentment and to care for yourself and your own wounds is through helping others. The only way to redirect your natural tendency to be self-centered and self-obsessed is to think about other people and what might be happening in their lives.
It’s quickly becoming second nature for me to ask myself what’s going on with a particular person when I witness behavior that is harmful. Whether it’s me doing the harming, me getting harmed or me witnessing someone else being mistreated. I promise you that in almost all cases, there is a very good explanation (don’t misinterpret that for an excuse). Look at people through your heart instead of your eyes, and at least try to understand that the person honking at you at the stoplight might not actually be angry with you. That your spouse’s explosion over not being able to find his or her keys might not be about the keys. That a kid mistreating your kid might not be as simple as the other kid being a bully just for the sake of bullying. That the actions of the co-worker who makes things miserable for you at the office might have nothing to do with whether he likes you or not.
We are all sick people, just trying to get well. The next time you are being hurt, try asking how you can help. Focus on that, and you’ll watch your pain melt away. You will care well for yourself, and you’ll make a positive impact on another person who is suffering and struggling.
We all have trauma and wounds. We all have disappointments, regrets, sorrows. We all have highly complicated ways our brains have been rewired by our actions and experiences. Yet, we always think everyone else has it all figured out, and that everyone else has it better. That we are the only one who has been left out and left behind. That no one else could possibly understand the unfortunate reality of our life.
I was reading a passage this morning in Acts, Chapter 2. It recounted what happened to the disciples after Jesus had appeared to them following his resurrection. He had promised they would receive power when the Holy Spirit came upon them. They were to wait patiently for that to happen.
In chapter two, it says that suddenly there came a sound from heaven that filled the entire house where they were sitting. Tongues of fire sat upon each of them. They were filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking other languages. When the sound occurred, it drew the attention of the multitude, and people were amazed at what they saw and heard. “Aren’t all these men who speak in different tongues all Galileans?” they asked each other. “How is it that each of us hears in our own language? ”
Each of us have specific trials and specific afflictions that make us who we are. But even though our struggles are specific, they are not unique. Many others share your struggle, no matter what your struggle happens to be.
In this truth, you can find comfort and a calling.
You can find comfort in the fact that there are people who have walked the road you are on, no matter how dark, rocky and twisty it might be. There are people out there who get you, who understand what you’re going through, who know how your mind works and who speak your language. You just have to find them. That only requires a step of faith on your part to seek out support groups, raise your hand in church or just be bold and authentic with the people already in your life about what you need.
You can also find a calling. You were gifted by God, both your strengths and your weakness, your trophies and your trials. All is to be used for His glory. Because of your story, you have the remarkable ability to speak someone else’s language. Drugs. Divorce. Abuse. Arrest. Failure. Death. Depression. Sickness. Insecurity. Selfishness. Oh my, this is an endless list. The struggles you are enduring, or have overcome, equip you with a context, a vocabulary, an actual language that allows you to communicate with great effectiveness to others who share your struggle. There is nothing more powerful than that.
The people that day were amazed to see men who were speaking their language, despite their appearance and background suggesting that shouldn’t be possible. Trust me, there are people all around you that share your struggle. They might not look like it. They may appear to have their act together. You’d be surprised where the opportunity for comfort, or calling, can surface.
No matter where you are on your journey, seek out those who speak your language. Even if right now you need comfort and can’t see yourself responding to a calling. Just the act of helping you will be enormously helpful to the person who is comforting you. In any event, please do not sit in isolation with any struggle, big or small. Do not feel shamed by any sin. Do not tell yourself the lie that no one gets you or that no one could really understand. They can. And they don’t need a translator. They speak your language. And just as importantly, you speak theirs.
I have an incredibly important decision for you to make today. Are you going to be an orange, or an onion?
To be fair, you probably will need some context to appropriately answer this question. So, let’s start with a brief download on the relevant qualities of, and key differences between, oranges and onions.
An orange has a colorful, durable outer layer. Some find it extremely difficult to fully remove an orange’s peel, leaving some to even proclaim oranges are not worth the trouble it takes to eat one. Onions, on the other hand, have a very thin outer layer that doesn’t really preclude you from seeing what’s likely to be inside. It’s very thin, and peels off nice and easy, offering little resistance as you try to open it up.
Once inside, an orange is pretty straight forward. You’ve got your slices and some strings and a few seeds, maybe. Once you’ve broken through the exterior, you have a full view. Onions are a bit more complicated. You just keep peeling back layer, after layer, after layer. It seems you never get all the way to through an onion. It has so much more depth.
An orange tastes nice and sweet and refreshing. It offends only the most picky of people. It can easily be overpowered in smoothie mixes. While an onion, well, it is a force to be reckoned with. It can bring tears to your eyes, burning little daggers of tears. It has a smell and taste that is bold and not everyone is on board with it.
An orange doesn’t really do much for other foods. It sort of does its own thing. Sure it can have an impact on things such as water, but it’s not a food you would use to bring out the best in other foods. Onions are different. They pull flavor out of the foods they touch. They enhance the aroma and the taste of many dishes.
Spiritually speaking, we all have a choice to make. Are we going to be like the orange, or like the onion?
If you are an orange, you look something like this. You wear masks almost always. You have a tough outer shell that is hard to break through, and even if someone is able to penetrate it, all they will find is sugary sweetness. You’ve buried the rest so deep within yourself that it might as well be undetectable. You don’t offend. You don’t really stand for anything. You avoid conflict. And you don’t really have any kind of big impact on those around you. You just look for people who are content to sit in a bowl of fruit and look pretty, while hoping no one will want to squeeze you.
Meanwhile, the onions among us are very different. If you are an onion, your outer shell is transparent and thin, as if you are inviting people to see through and into you. The more someone gets to know you, the more layers they peel through and the more truth they see. You are a story with many chapters, and you don’t mind sharing every single one of them. You are powerful and bold, and way too honest for many people. You sometimes find that you have made someone uncomfortable because you refuse to be an orange like they are. On the other hand, you also positively impact many others and infuse their life with new hope and passion. You make them better, just because you share a small piece of yourself with them.
I’ve been an orange a lot longer than I’ve been an onion. And let me tell you. Being either is painful in this life. But only one has the potential to deliver you and to reveal God’s promises to you. I’ll let you guess which one that is.
*Writer’s note. Of course this metaphor is flawed, like most metaphors. Please don’t get hung up on any slight inaccuracies to the physical characteristics of onions and oranges. If you do, I commend you on your knowledge of round foods, but I am sad because you missed the entire point of this blog post. 🙂
This is the road I was on today. Literally, the road. It appears to go nowhere. The trees crowd it, and you can’t veer off the path even if you wanted to. You’d either take out a branch or trunk, or roll into a steep ditch. When you get to the end, it’s obvious you’ve reached your destination. It’s the only way in, and the only way out. It’s not a straight road, but it delivers you, just the same.
At the end of this road today was a very Godly man, a seasoned and wise and insightful man. After our meeting, which supposed to be largely business, he prayed over us. His prayer for me was that I continue to be bold, to not be fearful and to walk the path God has for me. To keep remembering that, through God, I have immeasurable power and potential.
This prayer comes just a few short weeks after my latest moment of panic. God is speaking to me a little more clearly these days. It was audible and direct this time around. This man told me that God doesn’t get caught up in our limitations. He told Noah to go build the ark. He didn’t say, “if you can, or if you can find a way.” Of course, when you’re obedient to His command, everything else will fall into place and facilitate your success.
My path is, has, and will be curvy. And if I take my eyes off it, I can easily be overwhelmed by the tall, looming challenges and obstacles that flank me. But those are largely irrelevant. God has laid the path before me. It will lead me to where I need to be, and it’s the only thing that will.
I’m very thankful today for the unexpected intervention. It was just what I needed to hear.
No. No. No.
No thanks.
Thanks, but no thanks.
No.
What was I thinking? As a person who struggles with the need for affirmation, I willingly took my career in a direction where I will hear the word “no” from most of the people I encounter. That’s the equivalent of a man who is scared of heights taking a job washing the windows of New York City skyscrapers.
On the one hand, you could say this is a very courageous thing for me to do. And I suppose that would be accurate. The problem is that while I’ve had the courage to make the climb, I don’t have enough courage to be ok with the possibility of falling.
I was struggling to find a good way to articulate it, when I overheard my son’s Taekwondo instructor say the following at the end of class today. “It’s good to have the courage to compete. But what’s even more important is to have the courage to accept the outcome.” Um, yeah, what he just said.
In my spiritual journey, both professionally and personally, I’ve definitely mustered up the courage to step out in faith and to put one foot in front of the other. Absolutely. But what I’m missing is the courage to accept the outcome. I have been pursuing my journey with fear in my heart. Fear of what might be asked of me. Fear that my business might fail. That I might be asked to make personal sacrifices. That there may be a fall required for me to land where I need to land.
As a result, I’ve pulled back, and in some cases paralyzed myself. Refusing to move forward. Unable to do so. Because I haven’t had the courage to unconditionally accept whatever the outcome might be. This has led me off the path in multiple instances. It’s placed distance between me and God.
I’m not that discouraged though. For two reasons. The first is that this is the biggest self revelation I’ve had in a while, and awareness is, after all, the first step toward solving any problem. The second is that no matter how lost I become along the way, no matter how far I drift from God, it’s an easy road back to Him. As it says in Malachi 3: 7, “…Return to Me, and I will return to you.”
I feel continually blessed that God chooses to speak to me in mysterious and unexpected ways. And that He continues to seek me out, even when I’m not in the frame of mind to move toward Him as it says in that verse. My prayer for today is simple. I’m asking for courage to accept the outcome, so that I continue the journey toward it with less fear and more faith.
Wow, ok so this blog is on life support. I all but abandoned it. But it’s time to try and revive it, and me in the process. I’ve been in a slump lately spiritually. Can’t shake out of it. Just don’t feel alive and in relationship with God. BUT, I have diagnosed the problem. Make that problems, with an “s” actually.
I’m sure you will be able to relate to these as well. I’m calling them the 3Ps for why you’re spiritually stuck. If you aren’t moving in the right direction, or at all, it’s likely you have a problem with your purpose, plan and/or perspective. For me, it’s all the above.
Purpose
Your eyes are not on the prize.
Luke 11:33 – No one, when he has a lit lamp, puts it in a secret place or under a basket, but on a lamp stand, that those who come may see the light. The lamp of the body is the eye. Therefore, when your eye is good, your body also is full of light.
I haven’t been focused on God lately. In the relationship with Him. I’ve been wrapped up in life, in everyday circumstances, in my own personal challenges and issues. I’ve lost concentration on what my overall purpose really is. My eye is not good at the moment, which means my mind and body aren’t directed toward God as they should be.
What’s worse is that many times over I’ve declared that I understand my purpose and am dedicated to it. But I’m not following through. Job 35:13 says that God doesn’t listen to “empty talk” and oh boy have I been an empty talker.
Plan
One step or bite at a time.
I’ve been doing research lately for an organization that helps solve “wicked problems”, meaning challenges that are big, complex and challenging to solve. A great example of a wicked problem is the healthcare industry. Healthcare in our country is tragically broken, and to develop a meaningful solution will require multiple stakeholder groups to collaborate. Wicked problems are entangled, knotted messes that can be overwhelming to even approach.
For me, my spiritual walk, dealing with my sin, embracing my wounds all feels like a wicked problem. There’s no simple solution. It’s a journey that is intricate and complicated. A lifetime of a mess that’s been made and needs to be untangled. And I can’t do it alone.
The experts approach wicked problems in a rather simplistic way. The same way you’d “eat an elephant” as in one bite (or step) at a time. God asks me to do much the same. To walk in faith. To take the next step, and then the next one. In Proverbs 16:20 it says that “He who heeds the word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.” I haven’t been extremely happy, because once again I’ve been making plans, running scenarios and trying to make it happen myself. Not having complete faith that God will direct my steps.
Perspective
The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole. – Oscar Wilde
I’ve been quite the pessimist lately. And have been seeing the negative instead of the positive. The hole instead of the donut. It’s really caused my overall perspective on things to be quite backwards. I’ve let myself be concerned about my performance in terms of my spiritual walk. Holding an incomplete view of God as the great hand of discipline only. I’ve graded my thoughts and actions on how they stack up to what God wants for me. How disappointed He must be. How I’m falling short of what I know I should be doing. Meanwhile, I’ve viewed people around me with great skepticism. As if i were the prey and they were the predators. People can be mean for sure. And self interested. And cut throat. And I’ve been building a long list internally, compiling every slight wrongful deed or word as a file of evidence.
A few verses in Job pulled me back out of this warped visioning.
In Job 34:29 it says, “When He gives quietness, who then can make trouble?” In that brief verse, there was an understanding and remembrance that washed over me. God is not a punisher. He’s a protector. He’s not simply keeping score. He’s providing safety. And the calm, peace, security that He gives can’t be taken away. Isn’t that quite a different perspective to have?
As I continued reading, I hit chapter 35, verse 8, “Your wickedness affects a man such as you, and your righteousness a son of man.” Again, I was transported back to a time when I understood. The impact of my actions, of my obedience or lack thereof to God, isn’t contained to me. I have impact, both positive and negative, on the world around me. My spiritual journey has relevance.
In my wounded nature, my sinful self, I have a daily impact on those I encounter. And I either offer perfume or poison. Just as they do for me. We’re all in this together. We’re all broken, hurt, wounded. We’re not predators. Well most of us anyway. Ha! We’re all just trying to make sense of our lives and achieve some level of healing. And we hurt each other along the way. And we help each other along the way.
My perspective had me isolated. Stuck between a God that I was treating as a punisher and people I was treating as predators. I was hiding from both. Feeling disconnected. When in reality, my God offers unshakeable peace. And the people around me the opportunity for healthy connection and healing. Donut. Not hole.
And so there are the 3Ps according to me. I’m working on them all simultaneously at the moment. And I have a long way to go. And I’m sure I’ll come up with a fourth P before all is said and done. Hope this has been helpful. It’s good to be back on the blog. I’ll do my best to keep it up.
I opened my eyes to a sideways view of the sidewalk. My temple pulsing, my head fuzzy as if my brain was thick with static cling. It’s a very weird thing to wake up when you didn’t even realize you were unconscious. Moments before the queasiness had set in as my dad and I were waiting on a takeout order. I quietly stepped outside for fresh air. I felt dizzy and light headed and then, BAM. I was down and out.
A few days later, I was finally released from the hospital, with a clean bill of health. Evidently I have the heart rate of an elite athlete, which means it is really low. The good news is I’m in good shape, and that at the rate I’m using my heart, it should be good for another 300 years or so. The bad news is that when your heart beats as slowly as mine does, you’re a small dip away from a black out. It’s never happened before, and the doctors said it was quite possible I’d never experience it again. But now I know the feeling, so if there is a next time, I can at least cushion my fall.
I’ll be honest. I’m getting a bit frustrated with my current situation. I was already in the midst of wrestling with some of my most personal demons. I was already grappling with the pending loss of my job and the uncertain future ahead. I was already trying to stay alert and clearly hear what God has to say to me in this time of “crisis” so that I’m obedient and follow the path He has for me in all of this. And then BAM. I wake up on the sidewalk and spend the weekend getting poked, prodded and probed as if I were in alien hands.
Kind of feels like I’m being kicked while I’m down. Or more accurately, being put down after getting kicked several times. I’m remaining open to what God wants to show me in all this. How all the pieces are connected. In the meantime, I guess I just have to roll with the punches…and the kicks…and the sidewalks that come my way.
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