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It’s one of those books that everybody’s talking about. So, if you are a writer, or alive for that matter, you risk being a pop culture outcast if you haven’t read it. So, I picked up what was being tagged as a dramatic and inspiring piece of work, “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Several people specifically recommended it to me, saying that I would love it. That I had to read it. So I finally broke down and grabbed a copy. Only halfway into the book, I put it down for good. I didn’t like Randy. Couldn’t stand him. Thought he was a conceited, self-interested, selfish man who chose leaving a legacy behind instead of spending his last days with his family. Then I paused. Wow, what a cynical reaction to something that usually brings tears to readers!
I quickly realized why I had such a visceral reaction to Randy’s story. He was just like me. As I mentioned in an earlier post, if I’m not careful my natural desire to be a successful, published author, to achieve my own 15 minutes of fame (or hey, 30 if I’m lucky, right?) will take over and drive my decisions, overtake my passion, steer my heart. I’m not suggesting, necessarily, that Randy’s motivation during his final days was wrong or misguided, only that in him I saw something about myself that I didn’t like at all. It was a wake up call that if I spend too much time focused on the footprint I leave behind, I will have neglected the path I took to get there and the example I set along the way.
I got very excited about my newly re-instated relationship with God, and was feeling Him weigh on my heart. Before I even thought about what I was doing, I sent the following email to the lead pastor of the church I was attending, in response to a series called, “Live Like You Were Dying.” I am not sure what I expected, but silence is what I received. I followed up with his assistant, who said he would definitely get back to me and that he’d been very busy. Understandable. But then he didn’t get back to me. And so, I let it go. And for a while, I was a little frustrated, feeling like I really put myself out there and God didn’t do anything with it. Looking back on it many months later, I have a couple of theories. One is that He just wanted me to be obedient, to step out on faith and trust Him, knowing that if the pastor had taken me up on the offer, I would have needed all the guidance and support God would grant. Another is that I just misread the situation and what I was feeling. That I was just too eager and overreached. Either way, my plans were not God’s plans in this situation.
Dear Pastor ______:
I am writing today with a rather odd request. I hope you will hear me out and consider it, as I truly believe it has been inspired in me from God.
My name is Heath. I’ve been attending ______ since relocating to Nashville 6 years ago. I have recently embarked on a new journey with God, a long overdue trip if I’m being completely honest.
Here is the short (or not so short) story:
My wife and I have recently had several tough decisions to make about money, careers and other life events. We’ve been arguing more than we’d like, and seem to have little or no direction on how to make the best choices. So, a few nights ago, we decided to pray about two or three of the bigger decisions awaiting us and then read from God’s word the next morning to see what he would have us do. The fact that this was a last resort is telling, and very appropriate as you read the rest of the story.
We prayed. The following morning my wife came down with Bible in hand thinking that I probably had forgotten all about what we had agreed to do. To her surprise, I was logged on to the computer and had an online Bible on the screen. I had randomly ventured into a passage in Isaiah. She laughed, as she had randomly turned to a passage only about 20 chapters away from me.
We read her passage first.
Isaiah 31:5
Like a bird hovering over its nest, I will guard Jerusalem.
I will keep it safe.
I will pass over it and save it.
I am the Lord who rules over all.”
She shrugged and said, “I guess we are just supposed to trust in God that everything will work out.”
Then we read mine.
Isaiah 58:2
Day after day they worship me.
They seem ready and willing to know how I want them to live.
They act as if they were a nation that does what is right.
They act as if they have not turned away from my commands.
They claim to want me to give them fair decisions.
They seem ready and willing to come near and worship me.
She had a similar reaction…at first. But I saw something very different. I told her my interpretation of the passage I selected suggested that we can’t just wake up one day, decide to trust and seek guidance from the Lord, pretend that everything in our lives is right with him and then have him spell out what we need to do. It’s as if He said, “You can’t just call me up one day after I haven’t heard you in forever and expect me to jump right in.” After we read her passage a little further, it echoed the sentiment. The verses that followed talked about those who have turned away from God, not listened to his commandments, etc. It was definitely an answer to the prayers the night before. Just not what we expected.
In the midst of this, we’ve been gearing up for the Live Like You Were Dying series, and thinking about what that means. Separately, a co-worker recently handed me a copy of Randy Pausch’s book “The Last Lecture” which delivers a similar message about embracing life. The very night we prayed about the decisions we were making, someone broke into my car and stole my satellite radio. It is my favorite distraction each morning on my commute to work. Given the passages of scripture and everything swirling, I thought to myself “well, i think this is a great big fat clear as day sign that God would like to spend some quiet time with me on my way to work.” After all, he went so far as to remove the competition for my attention from my car, literally. So, that morning I talked. And I listened. And for no reason that I can explain, here’s what He told me.
I truly feel compelled to request that I present the sermon to the congregation the week following the Live Like You Were Dying Series. I am a communications professional but not a public speaker by trade. And I don’t know exactly why God is leading me to make this request. But he is. That I’m sure of. Twenty years ago, my small town southern Baptist church in rural Mississippi had a Youth Sunday, where the kids in the church managed everything about the service. I was selected to deliver the sermon. When the service was over, our most unique and eccentric member came up to me and said, “God is calling you to minister. You have a voice. He has equipped you with a talent. And you need to use it.” As a teenager at the time, I wrote her off as crazy and a bit overly religious, a zealot. After all, she and her husband had built a tower on the side of their home, complete with a small chapel where they hosted private worship sessions from time to time.
To me, she was an over the top fanatic and so I definitely didn’t put any validity into what she was saying to me.
I haven’t thought about that comment for as long as I can remember. But it came to me clear as day in my car the other morning. It was followed by a desire to speak to the congregation. To lead worship. To say whatever it is that God is going to equip me with between now and then. I can’t explain exactly what will come of it, but I am certain there is a reason for me wanting to do it and that something will happen as a result.
I am truly just being obedient for the first time in a long time. This is what I feel God is asking me to do as a next step. So I am complying, trusting, obeying with no idea of what will come next. I don’t think I’m on the road to seminary. I just know that God is alive in me for the first time in forever and he’s trying to get something meaningful started. I’ve been talking with God on the way to work every day this week. No radio, no ipod, no blackberry usage while driving. And everyday, he reveals more about what he would like me to say and do.
So, to recap, lots of things stirring in me this week, lots of things happening. And I have tried NOT to write this email and ask to lead the sermon that week a thousand times. But I just had to do it. So, I’m placing this request in your hands and will wait to hear back from you. I deeply respect your wisdom and know that if this is truly what God is asking of me, you’ll know it too.
Living like I was dying,
Heath
So there I was, trying to determine how best to use my talents for the greater good of God’s will. Thinking I had to figure out how best to combine the gifts God granted me in order to be spectacular somehow, to shine for His kingdom and to further His cause. But I had it wrong again. Wow, this could become a trend really fast. I recently attended a gathering of men at Thompson Station Baptist Church for a weekly Bible study. The speaker talked about Joshua being called to serve and how he developed into a powerful and effective leader of men. Funny thing about Joshua. His success in leading didn’t come from any given or acquired talent. It came from his obedience, his willingness to listen to God and obey. His openness to be a servant. Before I left the room, it was obvious to me that God didn’t want my talent offered up to Him. He wanted my heart. He wanted me first to be obedient, and then…ONLY then, would he make use of my talent.
As is usually the case, the moment I felt reinvigorated to pursue God’s will for my life and grow closer in relationship with Him, I immediately began trying to assess my God-given talents and how I might use them for His greater cause. I ran Google searches, I wrote, I searched, I thought deeply. I revisited past efforts, including a dialogue I started with the CEO of what used to be Relevant Books.
For months, I worked with editors at that organization to try and come to agreement on a book idea that would be the right type of project for them to pursue. In the end, it went nowhere. Probably for the same reason it hasn’t gone very far this time. I’ve come to realize that I have a problem. I like the idea of being successful, of being published, of having that “15 minutes of fame” that you hear so much about.
I genuinely want to use my talents to further God’s work on this planet. But equally (at least), I want to be considered successful, to have worldly accomplishments that classify me as a “published author” as an expert on something, as someone who has accomplished something grand. Even as I document this journey on this blog, with every good intention, there is a small piece of me hoping that lots of people will read it one day, that someone will really, really like it, that somehow a publisher will stumble upon it and engage me in a book project. I envy people who seem to have struck the balance between “success” in the world’s eyes and truly being inspired and led by God. It’s a humbling thought to consider that God doesn’t actually need me to get the job done. Especially if I am wrapped up in earning trophies and other sentiments of success.
Even though this is my struggle, I don’t think it’s right to stop writing either. I think it’s just important for me to acknowledge and embrace the fact that no matter how hard I strive, my motives will never be entirely pure and void of worldly conquests. And to not let those motives slow or impede the progress I need to make in my personal relationship with Jesus or the work He allows me to do on His behalf while I’m on this planet.
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