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In my opinion, the two most common obstacles preventing us from walking with God are self-interest and fear. Self interest is usually the driver of sin, as I have discussed before in some detail. Whether we are too confident, or insecure or unstable, our “self” presents ample opportunities for being unwound and undone. It’s hard to calibrate confidence to the right level. Fear, on the other hand, is most often the thing that prevents progress toward what God has for us. This I have mentioned previously as well.
As I’ve been reading Isaiah, I’ve picked up on a recurring message. It shows up almost every other verse it seems. Fear not. Be not afraid. Don’t be afraid. Have no fear. Etc. God keeps messaging, over and over and over, that we should not be afraid. Any guess why He feels it’s necessary to repeat that phrase so many times?
I’ve also been reading a book by Aleksandar Hemon (best author I’ve discovered in a while by the way) just for pleasure, but today, God sent me a note through it as well. I am absolutely pumped that no matter what I pick up and read lately, God has an insight waiting. The characters in my book were discussing a war-torn Sarajevo, specifically power outages. One says to the other,
“We dreamt of light, but hoped for darkness.”
That’s exactly what I do. I dream of light, of the great things God has in store, of the plans He has for me. And in the same breath, I hope for darkness, that all will just be safe and unseen, because who knows what the light might bring. In the book, the characters were referring to the fact that it was easier for the enemy to attack at night as well if the lights were on. For me, it is the fear of where God might shine the light. I’ve brought this up numerous times, because it’s a central theme for me. It’s a constant challenge. The fight with fear.
In Isaiah, He doesn’t just stop at saying don’t be afraid. God makes some promises to us. Among them are:
1. He will show us the way.
30:20 – Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
2. He will be with us and be there for us.
35:3 – Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give away; say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.”
3. He will provide what is needed for us to make a difference.
42:6 – I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand, I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who stir in darkness.
We humans are built for self-preservation. We have instincts to protect ourselves, to survive and thrive, to recognize and flee from danger. Unfortunately, these survival skills, while very helpful in many circumstances, are horribly effective devices for derailing us from God’s will.
God is trying to tell us, just like a somewhat famous politician once said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Fear, at is core, is the face of a weak faith. It’s the fruit of a shallow-rooted tree. It is the result of trusting self over God. That takes us to a much bigger discussion that’s probably better handled one bite or blog post at a time.
In the meantime: No Fear.
We all have people we look up to, role models if you will. This can be a good thing, and a bad thing. Modeling the healthy behaviors of others provides an example, a path for us to accomplish similar positive things. Modeling can be a risk, because of the human element. Corporate sponsors spend billions banking on, or creating, role models for today’s youth. Tiger Woods. And in some cases, they make big time mistakes that can negatively impact the images of their companies, not to mention the psyches of today’s youth. Tiger Woods.
I have two goals related to role models. First, I am going to work on how I respond to the success of others so that I can be positively inspired at all. Secondly, I am committing to doing a better job in choosing who I allow to inspire and motivate me.
The How
It’s hard for me to hear stories of great success, personally, professionally, spiritually, without at least a hint of envy. I’ve made no secret that I want clarity in the purpose God has for me, and that I want to do something that will impact his kingdom. And that my delusions of grandeur are never far from reach. As a result, I usually do one of two things when I hear or witness someone being successful. Neither is healthy or positive. One reaction is envy. I long for a story like theirs, to have my purpose clearly expressed for me and to have successfully produced something related to it. I get down because I don’t see the same fulfilled purpose in my life. And it’s frustrating, because it’s not just everyday people stories that do this to me. It’s the “This Week on Oprah” or the “New York Times Best Seller List” or the “Hi, I’m the Best Athlete Ever to Play My Sport” stories. It’s the “Underdog Overcoming Great Odds or the “Gained Success Far Beyond My Years” and such. Why can’t I have that? Better question for reflection: Why do I need that so badly?
The second thing I will do upon hearing about success is compare. Given the struggles I’ve already expounded upon, I need to know how I stack up. If I can’t compare, I can’t win, and if I can’t win…well, anyway. Everything shouldn’t be a competition, but sometimes for me it always is. I’ll set my sights on someone or something that becomes a benchmark. And I will hold myself to that expectation, to surpass that benchmark.
I hereby declare that I will do everything in my power to celebrate the success of others, to learn from it, to let it grow who I am. Not to let it deflate me or discourage me by forcing me to reflect on what I think I may or may not have accomplished.
I was headed to my computer to write this, to put it down and to, as I like to say, “book it” when my wife sidetracked me with a story from the conference she just attended. One of the keynotes had a very inspiring story, and she was still moved by it some two days since hearing it. In a soundbite, he went from being abandoned in a trailer in Virginia by a drug addict mother to touring several countries and continents for Nike as the Executive Director of Play and changing the lives of kids in all corners of the world. It was an amazing story. I was standing there listening, knowing I was on my way to write this post, and challenging myself, trying to audit my honest, knee jerk reaction to his story. I struggled a bit, but I was able to appreciate it for its own merit. I admit, there was a tinge inside, of wanting to have a similar story to tell. Obviously I have not had to rise up from such long odds, but I twist that in my own mind to beat myself up and say I have even less excuse not to have accomplished something “great” already. I was humbled by how quickly God did a “price check” on what I was selling, just to help me see whether I was serious or not.
The Who
My second problem is who I’m looking to for modeling. Since I am a driven person, with yardsticks and benchmarks and all the works. I usually look toward people who have a best-selling book or a rags to riches story or some phenomenal rise to star status. This puts unbelievable pressure on me, at least on a subconscious level, to validate my worth. It also does absolutely nothing for strengthening my walk with Christ. It automatically skews my perspective so that I disregard and dismiss anything that doesn’t seem like the next big thing. Making it improbable if not impossible for God to successfully share my purpose with me.
Moving forward, I am striving to look not toward people who are renowned and famous and shiny, but toward those people who are broken, honest and humbly following the call of God. People who are open with who they are, who let their wear and tear show, who aren’t ashamed of where they’ve come up short and aren’t offended by where others have come up short. Of course there is overlap with the happy, shiny people. Many times a broken person will rise from it and use the very thing they’ve always struggled with as their way to make a positive difference in the world. So I’m not saying fame, and or fortune, will strike you from my most admired list moving forward.
My oldest son has a stuffed animal (woof woof, not making a barking sound, that’s the dog’s name), who goes everywhere with him. It’s his favorite toy. It’s dirty, beat up, torn, all but broken. In fact, I think it only has half a dozen “beanies” left in it, so maybe you could technically say it is broken. It means more to him than 100 shiny versions of it. It means more than bigger, cooler, newer versions of it. Its imperfections make it perfect. Those have been broken, who have allowed God to repair them and make them whole, and then who have been unselfish enough to allow the world to bear witness on it, those people are beautiful because of their brokenness. I think we all should long for that type of healing, that type of genuine relationship with God and with others. I know I do. That being said, we should look to others who are accomplishing it as a source of inspiration and motivation.
I poked some fun at Tiger earlier. I must apologize. Depending on how he approaches his life moving forward he could be both a bad AND a good example of a role model. Just like every other human being walking the earth. Corporations and the general public are going to be less likely to look forgive and forget, because he’s not quite as “shiny” as he used to be. But he still has the potential to produce beauty from this brokenness. Just like every other human being walking the earth. Ah, the power of redemption.
My high school education was somewhat lacking. For instance, my science teacher brought in videos of his wife giving birth because he thought it would be a learning experience, while my math teacher would routinely give us “free days” in class because she was depressed about her most recent break up (usually involving a member of our football team). I could get over all that because I have never been extremely interested or gifted in terms of science or math…hmmm, good place to debate chicken or the egg. However, I also left high school AND college AND graduate school somehow missing out on a great deal of significant literature. Being fair to my educators, it probably had as much to do with me being able to survive exams without participating in “required reading,” but regardless, I was a “writer” who was operating with major blind spots because of my lack of familiarity with the classics.
About 10 years ago, I started trying to atone for this deficiency. I was riding a train 30 minutes to and from work in Chicago, so I had plenty of time to read. I made a list of literature (books, authors) that I was embarrassed about never having read. And then I started working my way down the list. It’s been a very rewarding experience. I’ve stumbled upon a few authors who are now among my favorites (Salinger) and some that while I appreciate their talent, I don’t care much for their style (Joyce).
Last week, I popped into the bookstore to reload my reading supply. I read in spurts, and lately I’ve burned through 5 or 6 books in quick fashion. Among the authors I met this time around were the aforementioned Joyce (you win some, you lose some) and John Milton. I started reading Milton’s Paradise Lost over the weekend. I didn’t grab Paradise Lost because I was seeking a theological debate. He was just on my list, the one from 10 years earlier. Here’s where God showed up.
My version of Paradise Lost is actually from the Barnes and Noble Classics series, and most of those books have lengthy introductions that provide a biological sketch of the author and historical context for the work. I’m not a big history buff, maybe something else to blame on high school. (Actually, my history teachers were really good.) But this time I actually started with the introduction, and God rewarded me with two insights.
1. I came to realize that much of Milton’s life and work, specifically Paradise Lost is about the struggle between the self and the spirit, and while his theology was an eccentric and complicated one (he basically built his own based on his studies, his experiences and history) there is probably going to be lots of applicable struggles within this text that reflect some of the things I’ve been working through as of late.
2. More specifically, the introduction was able to deliver a message that God has been transmitting for at least a year without success. A simple next step in my journey, more of less. The author of the introduction quotes one of Milton’s earlier works, Areopagitica, saying, “The light which we’ve gained was given us, not to be ever staring on, but by it to discover onward things more remote from our knowledge.”
More times than not, when a verse from the Bible has spoken directly to me during the past year, it has been from Isaiah. Starting at step one in this journey I’ve been on. It suddenly occurred to me while reading the intro to Paradise Lost that maybe God is saying that I should read the entire book of Isaiah and actually use the light I’ve been given to illuminate more, instead of just staring into it and marveling on the insight. So, that’s what I’m going to do. Read Isaiah. And I bet there is something for me to learn or be reminded of. And I bet that God knew I’d need that lesson/reminder 10 years ago when I started my list of must-read classics.
This is also prompting me to revisit other insights that I feel I’ve received from God and try to be more aware of how I might use those lights to better illuminate the path ahead instead of only using them to view what’s in front of me more clearly. After all, every light is both an answer to one question and a question for the next answer. But first, Isaiah 1, verse 1….
During the 2008 NFL season, former all-time great Mike Singletary took over as interim head coach for the San Francisco 49ers. He made quite a debut, sending his star tight end to the locker room with 10 minutes left in the game. In the post game press conference, Singletary explained his actions and declared a zero tolerance policy for players who made things about them instead of the team. “Cannot play with them. Cannot win with them. Cannot coach with them. Can’t do it.”
I was reading my Bible a little while back, and I landed in Judges. The story of Samson in Judges 16 is a great illustration that just like Mike Singletary, God can’t win with you if you have your focus wrong. If you share your heart and mind with worldly things it will bring only destruction, no matter how much talent and potential you’ve been blessed with. God empowered Samson with a ridiculous gift. And when Samson, a mighty warrior and a great talent, let his flesh get the better of him, it was off with his hair and out with his eyes. He was sent to the locker room.
I’m not suggesting that God sends us to the showers every time we step out of line. I am suggesting that if our motives aren’t pure, and if our focus is not aimed in the right direction, that He simply can’t use us for His glory. In his press conference, Coach Singletary actually said he could deal with players who made mistakes but had their heart in the right place, but that he had no use for players who had their eyes on the wrong prize.
“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. The sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.” – Romans 8:5-8
Thanks to Dexter for sharing that scripture with me.
I usually worry about not using my talents for the glory of God, thinking that an inability to make a positive impact is the worst case scenario. But if I allow myself to be guided by the world, to be about myself instead of the team, I can actually create negative consequences for myself and those around me, while rendering myself useless to God. It’s not whether I can make an impact. That is going to happen. It’s the trajectory of the impact that is the real issue. Am I going to lean forward or fall back? The answer will be in whether I can die to the self.
You are probably aware of how Sampson’s story ends. He prayed that God would remember him and strengthen him, just once, so that he might avenge the Philistines for his two eyes being gouged out. God grants his wish, puts him back on the field, and he pulls two pillars together and collapses the temple. In Judges 16:30 it says, Thus he killed many more as he died than while he lived.”
Another reminder for me that what I can accomplish if I die to self and commit to God will always, ALWAYS , be far greater than anything I can achieve by my own devices. Knowing that makes it hard to explain why it’s so hard to do it.
I had a good conversation recently with a close friend of mine who has struggled with alcohol. We talked about our relationships with God, the journey I am pursuing, the recent victories in his life. We talked in detail about how selfish we are in our flesh. How selfishness is at the core of most transgressions. How it so easily gets in the way of the work God is trying to do in our lives.
I have my own struggles with selfishness. I’ve mentioned in past posts how I’ve battled my own agenda while pursuing a walk with God. That makes me wonder if I will be ok if my assignment from God is to be a supportive husband, a loving father, a passionate follower of Christ and nothing more. What if I am to be an inspiration for someone, instead of ten thousand someones. Will I accept that? Will it be okay? After all, in my view, these things are the price of entry. I mean, of course I would support my wife, love my kids…Surely God has some other great adventure he needs me for, right? Can’t you just hear the selfishness?
I also recently wrote about the fear of committing to what God has in store for you because you don’t know what that will be, and it might be something big and scary. But I think my biggest fear is that my calling might not feel like a great adventure. I think we usually associate the call from God much like signing up for the armed forces. Where will we be deployed? Where are the bad guys, and how are we going to take them down? Where’s the mountain to climb? The ocean to cross? You’ve seen the commercials…looking for a few good men, the dude hanging off the side of a cliff…
I keep assuming that I am going to be asked to slay some dragon, to win some war, to lead some movement. It may very well be that the army, navy, airforce and marines function just fine without me. The hardest thing for me to remember is that first and foremost, God wants a relationship with me, to be close with me, for me to know Him. That is indeed a great adventure, one that’s wider than any ocean and taller than any mountain. So, my goal is to set fear aside, and be ready and willing for something big and scary, or obedient and content with something the world would tell me is not so exceptional. I just have to keep asking myself whose approval I’m seeking, whose agenda I’m following and whose definition of “great adventure” I’m using.
It’s amazing how unappealing it appears on the surface. So, you want God to work in your life? Oh, you want Him to use you? Well, guess what likely happens next. First, you have to get nervous about what the ask will be. It could be something different from what you wanted to do. Worse yet, it could be something you really don’t want to do. Maybe even something you are afraid to do. Something you aren’t even sure you are capable of doing. Oh, and then you have to contend with Satan working against you, trying to interfere, to sidetrack you, to put you through trials and challenges.
Let me get this straight. I am possibly going to be asked to do something far outside my comfort zone, and at the same time evil spirits are going to do everything they can to make me regret it? So why is the call still so irresistable? Because of two things. 1. Faith. 2. Amazing promises. I think there’s an old saying that anything free doesn’t cost enough to be worth it. Or something like that. If not, I’ll coin that one myself. Ha! The promises God makes to those who are faithful, who obey, who are diligent, far outweigh the cost of pursuing His will. I’ll admit though, as I’m preparing for whatever that might mean in my life, I’m a bit nervous about “the ask” and what it might entail, what the cost might be. It won’t be free.
In 2009, I went heavy on the resolutions. I was going to take my familiarity of Spanish into fluency. I was going to learn to play the guitar. I was going to finish one of the 6 unfinished books in my writing files. I was going to upgrade my proficiency in photography. I was going to get our family finances in better order. I was going to deeply strengthen my walk with God. I was…well, I was going to do lots of things. By March, I was in the weeds, lost in the woods and failing miserably at all pursuits. And that’s how I became another statistic in the New Year’s Resolution game. I am hopeful that 2010 will be different. Mostly because I am focusing my efforts this year. My only resolution this year is to FEED THE LAKE.
I recently mentioned that I finally heeded some insightful advice and picked up a copy of Madeleine L’Engle’s book “Walking on Water” which basically talks about being a Christian AND an artist. It’s so very fitting that the woman who first inspired me to love reading when I happened upon her book, “A Wrinkle in Time” at a book fair in elementary school, would be the same to provide me sage insight just when I was all but paralyzed in my search for the meaning of life and how to use my talents in the way God would have me.
There is a section in Walking on Water where she talks about how every writer is contributing to this massive lake of art. How some writers will flow rivers of content, while others might just grace the body of water with a few drops. In the end, all writers have the same goal: feeding the lake. Creating more today than existed yesterday. She also talks about serving your work, dying to your own motives, letting the work guide you. She also talks of discipline, of commitment. I’ve been missing all those things, so today I resolve to feed the lake daily. To be singularly focused on generating more today than existed yesterday. To serve the work and let it guide me. I hope that not only will this relieve my recent bout of writer’s block but also that it will provide clearer direction down the path God would have me travel, the one that leads closer to Him.
The biggest challenge will be not to get sidetracked. So I’ve been praying for some help in keeping my focus. God does have a sense of humor. Less than 24 hours after I made the internal decision to feed the lake every day, and to focus on writing in 2010, my wife gave me a very thoughtful Christmas present. A new guitar. I pulled it from the box, strummed the strings a few times, fiddled with the tuning (like I could really tune it) and then hooked up the shoulder strap. And then I grabbed it by the shoulder strap, which popped out and sent the guitar crashing to the hardwood floor where the neck splintered. Got the message, thanks. Focus on the writing.
FEED THE LAKE.
I’m not taking it to mean that I can’t replace the guitar and casually learn to play it this year. But I did hear loud and clear that I am not to let it, or any of my other 500 hobbies and interests, be a distraction, or even worse, an excuse, for not following through.
Second visit to Grace Chapel. Actually third if you count the Christmas production. And finally, I was going to hear the pastor speak. We are currently trying to make some decisions regarding our church home, and have been excited about the experience at Grace Chapel, but have been really wanting to hear from their senior pastor. This was the day. But nope, some young dude (I feel old now that I would say/think “some young dude”) took the stage. A stand in. A substitute. Are you kidding me! I was completely disappointed and all but immediately tuned out. It was like going to a concert only to find that your favorite band is using a last minute fill in as lead singer. But as I sat there pouting, something strange happened. God spoke to me anyway.
One of the greatest challenges for the church is that everyone approaches it with expectations. That was one of the first things this “young dude” said. Either expectations for themselves or expectations of others, but in any event they are “expecting” something. Um, yep. I was expecting the senior pastor. But now I was listening intently. God had sent me a personal message. He said, “Hey, you know I can speak through anyone I choose, right? Well, today I chose this young dude.” And so I tuned back in.
So he continued to paint a picture of what church should look like. He talked about the importance of relationship. He provided a roadmap found in Matthew 22. Love the Father. Love each other. And and that’s the way it’s done. I don’t know about you, but for the longest time I’ve showed up at church with great expectations. Hey, God, can you charge my battery? Man, I hope the worship is good today. What’s going to be in the sermon for me today? If I spent less time worried about all that and focused on being in relationship with God and those around me, I am pretty sure God will take care of the rest and provide me with the spiritual nourishment, motivation, support that I need.
Finally, on a mostly unrelated note, the young dude said something delivered straight to me from God. He said something to the effect of “You know that feeling you have inside, like there’s gotta be more? God planted that there.” I started this journey based on that exact feeling. That restless, unrequited, frustrating, nagging, painful, unrelenting feeling that there has to be more. I hadn’t, believe it or not, considered that God had placed it there. That puts a new spin on it for me.
Run Right Through Me
A song about the long journey back to God’s Will.
About the pursuit of faith, hitting the wall, submitting, releasing for Jesus.
Inspired by a teaching series using The River as a metaphor for our relationship with God.
[verse1]
Never mind me
I’m just a man
Whose dreams dried up
Long ago
My solid ground
Has turned to sand
Through my fingers
Watch it flow
With every wasted breath
I’m like the wind
Pushing dust
Across this bowl
A life of fear
And regret
A wilted soul
That failed to grow
But can you
Let….the….ri…ver…
[chorus]
Quench me
Cleanse me
Drench me
Let the river
Run right through me
Fill me
Chill me
Spill me
Let the river
Run right through me
[verse2]
My skin is cracked
Like the dash
Of a car
On a hot day
My throat is parched
Filled with ash
Gets harder to swallow
Every day
Overcome
Just watch the tears
They mark the dust
That coats my face
From the raging sun
I can’t escape
Stranded here
Because I have no faith
But can you
Let….the….ri…ver…
[chorus]
[bridge] x 2
Water of life
What are you waiting for
Rush me far away from every shore
Plunge me into your clear blue
Take my life I’m begging you
Father above, fill me with love
And let Your Will inside me flow
I once was lost, I once was dry
Replenish me, revive my soul
And let…the…ri…ver…
[chorus] x 2
There’s a book my oldest son really enjoys called “Put Me in the Zoo.” The story goes something like this. There’s this large spotted animal, I think it’s some sort of cross between a big cat and a polar bear. Anyway, the animal really wants to be in the zoo, but they keep tossing him out. He does this really cool trick with his spots; he can turn them different colors. Two kids, who are talking to him throughout the story, suggest that actually the circus is the place for him. So, he goes to the circus and sees for himself, exclaiming, “The Circus IS the Place for Me!”
I have read this book to Kade 100 times. Tonight when I read it, I saw something I never saw before. The point. These kids books are actually pretty deep sometimes. Kade loves the zoo. He loves the animals. He loves everything about it. We recently took him to see the circus though. And he was mesmerized. His jaw was on the floor. He was truly amazed. His circus blew the zoo away.
I started wondering how many times I’ve been bent out of shape about the friggin zoo, like that kid from Jerry McGuire, all bawled up and focused on some pursuit or passion or aspiration that I set for myself. Meanwhile, God has a circus waiting for me somewhere, and I’m too short-sighted to get it. I’m so devastated that I can’t get into the zoo. That’s all I can process. God’s will, not mine. That’s a hard one to remember. So, every time I start trying to figure out a way into the zoo, I keep telling myself to stop it and wait till the circus comes to town.
the way to (t)here 
What You Said