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It was another typical Sunday morning. Best of intentions to find a new church home. Lots of reasons why it wasn’t a good day to start the hunt. Both of our kids were getting over illnesses, and it didn’t feel exactly right to unleash them on an entire children’s ministry.
After a lengthy debate, my wife and I decided to go and settle in with the boys on the back row of Rolling Hills Community Church. We hoped we could at least make it through half the service. We worried we might be a disruptive force.
I was feeling overly compelled to attend the service, to the point where I was pacing and getting anxious at the prospect of us not making the trip. As it turns out, God had quite a bit to share with me this morning, which explains the ants in my pants.
I’ve been writing and praying a lot about momentum lately, as I prepare for the weekend writing retreat that is supposed to kick my book into high gear. And wouldn’t you know it, today’s sermon was the grand finale of a series titled MOMENTUM. I suppose that was just God’s way of saying, “Welcome back to my house!”
I heard God’s voice throughout the entire message. Loud. Clear. Direct. It literally could not have been a more timely and tailored discussion for me. The focus was on sharing momentum with the world around you. The pastor talked about not keeping the momentum you’ve built all to yourself but opening it up to others and being a spark, an agent of change.
Internally, I’ve been wrestling with this very issue. Ok, great, so I’ve decided that I will write this book. That I will actually finish this book. I have tried not to think too much about what happens next, because it will almost surely require that I get uncomfortable and stretch myself. When I do catch myself thinking about next steps, I just start second guessing whether I’m writing something that will actually make a difference at all. Will it only be something that I can say I’ve done? That seems shallow, hallow, almost pointless. I want to be a spark. An agent of change.
As the sermon started, we had managed to occupy most of the back row, sprawled out with an impressive collection of diversionary tactics – crayons, iphone, blackberry, chocolate. The kiddos were shockingly well-behaved, thank you Angry Birds and Brick Breaker, which allowed me to focus as God continued to nudge me. With almost every statement, question, insight the pastor shared, God would break a piece off and hand it to me. Among the deliveries were the following:
Helping others get going. Pushing them through inertia. Restarting them. How do we become that kind of person?
Are you reaching out?
Time to stand up. Get off the sidelines.
Be faithful. Be steadfast.
Don’t be distracted.
Live His will.
Any idea what obedience could mean?
What it could lead to?
How do you share?
What is God calling you to do?
And finally, the big one.
ARE YOU READY?
At this point, I felt God so strongly the building could have rumbled, and I would not have been surprised. I’ve written several posts in the past about feeling that God wanted me to be patient, that I wasn’t ready yet. Now, suddenly, it wasn’t a statement any longer. It was a question. Are you ready? Even the way the pastor delivered the question felt like a direct message intended only for me. I got chills.
I said yes beneath my breath and gulped. I’m ready. For what? Great question. I’ll tell you when I know. But for now, I’m ready. I have my momentum for the weekend. God is speaking to me. I’m ready.
This time next week, my weekend writing retreat will be underway. I’m really excited, because the last time I devoted a weekend to hearing from God, he did 5 years worth of work in me. I’m trying not to expect anything specific in terms of what I will accomplish. It will be about growth, healing, relationship, and then possibly some meaningful translation onto the page. The important thing is that I’m setting the time aside for Him to work on me, in me. Time where I can be at rest, still, distracted by nothing.
Approximately 120 posts and 65,000 words ago, I began this blog. Looking back over what God has shared with me during this time, I’m amazed by the endless ways He has shown up to guide me and provide me with clarity. The ways He has pulled from my distant past and my everyday struggles to reveal more and more and more of who He is and what He wants from me.
I continue to hope and pray that this resonates beyond my own circumstance, but at the very least, this has been God’s way of communion with me, and for that I am thankful.
The countdown continues. SEVEN short days!
I almost hit a woman with my car tonight. As if she walked out of nowhere, there she was in the cross walk as I chugged on through it. I absolutely had to have grazed her with the passenger side of my vehicle. I didn’t even have time to hit the brakes or turn my steering wheel. As I looked in my rear view, I was relieved to see that she was a little surprised and scattered but completely fine. I had missed her. Luckily.
It was just a moment of distraction. Letting my thoughts and worries dull me. Letting my daily routine turn me into autopilot. I was unfocused. And I almost seriously hurt someone. After the near collision, I drove the rest of the way home in brilliant clarity. My senses were in overdrive. Everything seemed sharper and magnified. I was focused with adrenaline coursing. Wide eyed.
I spend a lot of my spiritual life asleep at the wheel. Distracted. Dulled. Unfocused. I would welcome more frequent wake up calls to jolt me from my slumber, although I hope they don’t have to be as dramatic as almost clipping a woman with my car. It’s terribly difficult not to allow the days to lull me into complacency, to pull me into a thick fog. They can quickly result in a series of cycles and routines or motions on top of motions. As I’ve more actively pursued God, I have seen a significant decrease in my sleep walking. But it remains tough to hold focus and to keep everything bright, sharp and clear.
And tonight’s little “almost” incident shows I don’t have to be actively dangerous to be reckless with my faith. I just have to be distracted.
Ah, good ole Mr. Miyagi. What a c
lassic movie character. Remember how he made Danielson wax cars, sand wooden floors, repair fences and paint his house all in the name of learning karate? It was a little unorthodox as far as karate training goes. But just look at the end result. You can’t argue with success.
Mr. Miyagi knew what he needed to do to prepare Daniel. And although Daniel didn’t fully understand how household chores were setting him up for the world’s most legendary crane kick, it eventually was revealed. The puzzle pieces came together. Amidst the chaos, a pattern was discovered. A method to the madness.
I’ve felt that way many times in my pursuit of God. Looking back on circumstances that made absolutely no sense to me in the moment or possibly didn’t even register with me at all, only to discover how they are connected to a greater, unseen strategy. Wax on. Wax off.
As I was climbing through our storage closet a few days ago, unearthing Christmas decorations to prepare our home for the upcoming holiday, I came across an old study guide that was left over from a small group my wife and I had attended more than five years earlier. Yes, I’m a pack rat. The guide was based on the book of Acts, and it was intended to carry you through the formative years of the early church. As I flipped through it, the only thing I remembered for sure is that our group only made it through a couple of weeks in the study before getting distracted. At the time, I was thinking of how many better ways I could have spent $30 bucks.
Like most study guides, there were a lot of questions to answer and blanks to fill as you went along. I was fascinated to read some of the things written down in my own handwriting. Things such as, “Be patient and the Spirit will move in you with God’s timing. God has a purpose for you.” And, “We are being trained to understand and use the Holy Spirit.” And, “They didn’t need to know endpoints. They were instructed to carry His word forward. They didn’t need a timeline. Power in faith.”
While simple in nature, these insights were so far beyond my readiness and comprehension at the time. I was not in a place where I truly wanted to deepen my relationship with God. I was in a study group because that’s what our friends and acquaintances were doing. I was just along for the ride. So, while intellectually I could respond to the scripture, jot down notes about its significance, I was not even close to internalizing and meditating on it. But there it was again for me, five years later, in the back of my closet. Waiting to be reaffirmed.
I believe that during a very dry and distant time for me, God was planting seeds. Giving me chores to do. At that point in my life, I would much preferred to have been scrubbing floors and painting walls than reading scripture and filling in blanks before sitting in a circle for multiple hours to talk about my feelings. But today, much of what was covered during the early pages of that study guide are right on target with my journey.
In one of the application sidebars in the guide, it offers tips for gleaning more from scripture as you read it. The last question it suggests you ask yourself is this:
“How can this passage increase my knowledge of the Lord, not just my knowledge about Him?”
That is a great question. And a great way to differentiate where I am from where I was. Five years ago, I was approaching the small group and my other Christian pursuits to learn about Him and not of Him. The funny thing is, He was okay with that, and took the time to prepare me for the eventual journey I would engage.
I’m still not completely clear on everything. But some of the dots are getting connected. In the meantime, I will continue to wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off…
Oh, sure. I’m only 36. I’m not scheduled for a midlife crisis for another 15, maybe 20 years. Well, I don’t want to wait that long, so it is time to stage one. Let me explain.
As I mentioned several days ago, I’ve been reading a compilation of work by Richard Rohr. I’m doing it all wrong. It is supposed to be a series of daily meditations. I’m reading a week’s worth at a time and stitching them together to search for greater meaning. I’ve always been an overachiever.
On Day 26 (which I’m reading on Day 3), Rohr poses the question, “Who are you really?” He suggests that a midlife crisis is the last real chance for men to make radical changes, and that God uses a midlife crisis to “shake the tree one last time and challenge us” to stop being who we think we’re supposed to be and finally be who we really are.
In an adjacent meditation, Rohr states that most men are not able or willing to step out of their comfortable, safe, predictable lives to truly respond to God’s calling, that most of us are unlike Peter, who immediately cast his net aside and left his livelihood of fishing upon being called by Jesus. And finally, Rohr says, “Many men are no longer on a journey. They’ve accepted the easy answers before they’ve struggled with the deep questions.”
To recap: I’m hiding behind easy answers to avoid the deeper, darker places. Likely unable to obey and respond to God’s call because I’m clinging to conformity and comfort. And it will take God rocking my foundation through midlife crisis to even have me truly consider dramatic change that would get me back on a real path. Ok, that’s a lot to process. Which is why you are supposed to read one of these a day I’m sure.
Those who have been following this blog know that I’ve been on a journey. That I’ve been trying to get to the deep questions and not settle for the easy answers. That I’ve struggled with completely surrendering to the call. That I’ve longed to better understand what the call is in the first place.
In all this time, through all this writing, I’ve not prayed to God to show me. To really show me. To let me have it. I’ve been afraid of what He might ask of me. What it might mean. Well, I’m tired of being on a journey without truly being on the journey. Tonight I am praying to see it, whatever it is, as clearly as I can see it. If it impacts my comfort, so be it. I’m unsettled. I’m nearing crisis. I don’t want to drag it out to midlife, and miss another two decades of doing what I’m supposed to be doing here.
I am still working on the book, and I’ll complete that regardless. But I don’t really feel like that is the big goal God has for me. I don’t think He’s being trying to tell me, “Write that book,” this entire time. I’ve written a lot about not being ready in the past. And I might still not be fully prepared. But I am ready. So, God, I pray, please show me who I truly am!
My wife and I had a failure to communicate yesterday…and again this morning. And instead of talking through it (which duh, we’re failing to communicate after all), we fought instead. And left to start our respective days in anger and frustration. We made up via text as the day went along and agreed to try avoiding such nonsense in the future. It was as much closure as you can get via text.
When I got home from work tonight (following a going away party for my boss, make that former boss), my wife had already left for her weekly small group meeting. I parked the kids in their room and wandered into our bedroom to change. There was a book resting on my side of our bed called “On the Threshold of Transformation.” It’s a collection of teachings and writings from Friar Richard Rohr. Interesting. I scooped it up and began reading. It’s funny. Sometimes, even when we’re not communicating, she still knows what to say, or do.
Early on, the book states that for centuries, “males have been encouraged and rewarded for living an outer life of performances, which are usually framed in terms of win or lose…in such as world view there are only winners and losers, no in-between, and little chance for growth or redemption.” Yep, that about sums me up.
The book breaks Rohr’s teachings into 366 daily devotions intended to help you think differently and meditate on your manhood. I plowed through an entire week’s worth of entries before pausing to let them soak in. More to come on that.
This was just what I needed this week. A jolt to shake me from the numbing cycle of stress at work, stress at home, stress at work. It’s so easy to turn everything into the next great tragedy, no matter how small or petty it is. So easy to lose perspective and momentum. I called out earlier today for help…and God responded by delivering me some poignant reading through my lovely wife. Even when we have failure communicating, God doesn’t.
I was perusing the books in the Christian section of a Barnes and Noble last week, noting what a wide array of “self-improvement” titles were available to those of us seeking a deeper relationship with God. One book caught my eye with the promise of telling me how to be RADICAL for God. I snatched it up with great fervor, expecting to be inspired. I was immediately deflated.
In the back of the book, the author had a “challenge” with five steps to being “radical” for God. Of course, I skipped right to this section, since that was where the “wow” was to be found. (In my previous post, I shared my impatience problem.) As I read the formula, I couldn’t help but feel like I was in Sunday School as a child again. To summarize, being radical basically requires that you read the Bible from cover to cover, go to church regularly, tithe when you go to church and find ways to serve.
Please don’t misunderstand what I”m saying here. I’m not intending to be overly critical or suggest the author’s work wasn’t true to God’s word. I’m not suggesting there is anything inherently wrong with “Sunday School” or with any of the things the author suggested you do to be “radical.’
The problem I have with this line of thought is that I have attempted to do the things the author suggests and in no way moved closer to God. The problem is that most of these things can be mechanical and ritualistic. They can be surface level. They can be chores or checklists. They can be something we do out of obligation (in the name of discipline). Very easy to “go through the motions” and skim the surface. And yes, I fully realize I’m using a lot of “quotes” in this posting. I’m “sorry” but I can’t seem to “stop.”
Yes, feeding yourself with God’s word is good. Giving is good. Being in community is good. But if all of those things are executed in the way that I have consistently witnessed in my past, I don’t see how “radical” is the outcome. I see a much better chance at conforming to the norms of worship on Sunday mornings and the daily “to-do lists” related to your spiritual walk. I just don’t see true revival and closeness resulting from it.
On a positive note, I do think radical is the right word. The status quo of relationship with God as we’ve been programmed to approach it by our society and our religious institutions falls woefully short of what God wants to share with us. It does take a more radical departure from conventional wisdom or tradition.
For me, the following is how I’m striving to be “radical” in my approach. You’ll notice these aren’t necessarily radical steps, unless you compare them to normal protocols of religion and what you might have done if following your Christian handbook. By the way, in my experience, if you are able to achieve a more intimate relationship with God, most of the things “church” wants you to do will come naturally.
STEP ONE: Be purposeful. Intently pursue God. Ask, listen and obey. Invite Him to have a deeper relationship with me. Put aside any daily rituals or prescriptions. Interact directly and personally with Him.
STEP TWO: Be aware. Continuously question my motivations, examine actions, seek the cause and not the effect. Stay tuned in and focused, alive and awake, open not closed.
STEP THREE: Be real. Share my flaws, wounds, gifts and victories. Engage with others in a transparent way. Refuse to allow surface-level relationships with my community.
STEP FOUR: Be selfless. See a need, respond. As Jesus says in Matthew 10:8 – Freely you have received, freely give. Not talking the 10 percent equation here. In every way possible, as often as possible, give of myself.
STEP FIVE: Be thankful. Celebrate what God is doing. Pay close attention to how He is working, moving, acting. Give Him credit and acknowledgement for blessings, answered prayers. Continue connecting dots and deepening the understanding of how He is guiding and providing. Journal if needed, to ensure total recall of how He has intervened over time.
If I could somehow manage to stay true to these five steps in my faith walk, I guarantee you would notice. And you wouldn’t notice it in a “Wow, he is really plugged in at the church,” kind of way. You’d notice it in a “Wow, that guy is experiencing God” kind of way.
I’m finding it very hard to “practice what I”m preaching” here. And also still finding it hard to stop using “quotes” for everything. (Hopefully I can keep that habit isolated to this post.) Seriously though, what I described above is terribly frightening and difficult and in some ways unnatural and uncomfortable. But I feel like it’s how God wants me to truly experience Him. So, every day I wake up and try…to be “RADICAL”.
Fear of Falling Can Lead to Falls, Researchers Conclude
The headline from this news story was the first thing I saw in my inbox this morning. The article highlights a study in the British Medical Journal that shows a fear of falling among the elderly can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. “It can lead to a refusal to participate in activities, which can result in muscle weakening and loss of strength and balance, which increases the risk of falling.”
Ironically, I’ve been stressed lately about a fear of failing. My day job is extremely stressful and will only get worse over the next few months. I’m fighting to balance time for my wife and kids. And as I declared on Friday, I am determined to write a book, based on this blog.
With every step I take toward God, I can feel the spiritual warfare kicking in. The lies growing louder, the fears growing more intense, the junk I carry around inside me bubbling up with a newly found frenzy. Every wound I have is more intense these days, and it’s harder than ever to keep focused. It’s like the darkness starts fighting harder at the first glimpse of daylight.
And I am so close to bending to the fear of failing. I’m so close to allowing that fear to be the ultimate reason for failing. My own self-fulfilling prophecy. I am just now realizing how frequently I’ve lost this battle in my past. That has a dual effect internally for me. Half of me feels defeated yet again. The other half says, “No way, not this time!”
In the end, my goal is to press forward, step into what God has for me and trust Him. If failure comes, so be it.
But I am not going to fall just because I was afraid to fall. And I’m not going to fail just because I was afraid to fail.
I’m thankful God shared this article with me. Exactly what I needed to start my week.
Thanks to all of you who recently helped out by taking my survey on spiritual growth. I was able to get a good number of surveys completed, but still would love to get more responses. Here’s the link if you know anyone who would like to fill it out: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/6FLGQTJ
Over the next few days, I’ll be sharing the initial findings via the blog, starting with this post. I’ll wrap things up by telling you why I fielded the survey in the first place. Stay tuned.
According to the early findings, most of us seem to be suffering from a light switch relationship with God. On. Off. On. Off.
The majority of survey respondents said they were not content with their current spiritual walk. Sixty-six percent of those people said they were “On again, off again. There have been times when they felt close to God, and times when He seems very far away.”
Most reported they had the knowledge and support they needed to pursue a deeper relationship with God, and only a few stated they didn’t know where to start in terms of getting closer to God.
The most common reasons given for not successfully building a relationship with God were staying motivated and struggling with competing priorities. I’m sure in many cases, those can be closely linked.
Nearly half of the people surveyed said they needed a lot of help or all the help they could get in the areas of: Purpose, Wounds & Trials, Prayer, Witnessing
People believe they need the most help in the witnessing department and the least help in worshiping.
So far, the demographics of the responses have skewed slightly towards male, and are highly concentrated in the age range of 25-44. Most reported accepting Christ as a child.
I am still pulling my conclusions together on what I think the results really show. Interested in your thoughts on these results as well. Initially, I find it telling that so many of us (myself included) struggle with sustaining momentum in our walks. My experience over the last few years has played that out very well.
A lot of what I’ve learned about myself and my faith has revealed major drivers that perpetuate the on again off again rhythm that is so easy for me (and I suppose, us) to default to. I think this is an indictment on our typical approach to God, the support we receive from the church, and the negative influence of our culture, among other things. Fodder for future posts, I suppose.
Next Up: Recommended Reading. What respondents said were the best books to help them walk more closely with God.
I have a friend that tells me often, “Just for Today.” He will remind me that yesterday is the past, and tomorrow isn’t promised. So, basically, I should focus on the present, and walk as closely to God as I can…just for today. I believe this is good advice. It helps to have a focus on the short-term, dealing with the reality that lies before you. But I also believe you have to couple that short-term focus with a long-term perspective. Too many times I hear clichés such as “Life is Short” or “Life Comes at You Fast” or “Seize the Day.” This isn’t what my friend means when he proclaims “Just for Today,” but it is easy to confuse it with these slogans if I don’t have my mind right.
As Christians, we all know that our life on this earth is only the opening leg of our journey. That a Heavenly eternity awaits us. But many times, I find myself falling into the trap of “seizing the day” and panicking because I feel like life is passing me by, that I’m not accomplishing everything I want to accomplish. I get trapped within the artifical boundaries of time and space driven by the world’s view of existence. Sure, if this life was all I had to plan for, I’d definitely be behind schedule right now. In a world where long-term planning means 401(k) investments, it is easy to lose the forest for the trees.
We aren’t promised tomorrow. We are guaranteed eternity. I’m not sure why it is so easy for me to internalize the former at the expense of the latter.
I should act more like both of those things are true, combining a short-term focus with a long-term perspective. My actions and attitude would dramatically change for the better if I could make that happen consistently. It would be so powerful if I could combine “Just for Today” with “Just for Eternity.”
A quick aside about how God is speaking to me. I spent some of the weekend thinking about this post and journaling about the concept. Today, I was standing next to a co-worker’s cubicle where I saw a quote she had just written on her whiteboard. It said something to the effect of:
“I was living each day as if it were my last, but people got tired of hearing me scream, ‘I’m going to die!'”
I’ve had this experience over and over again this past year. Where God will lay before me an insight and then follow it up with subtle reinforcement as if to say, “Yes, I really meant for you to be thinking about that.” I never grow tired of that experience.
In closing, I have a few questions for you. How would you act differently if you truly approached death as only the first chapter in your journey? What if you really approached your time on earth as a phase of preparation for eternity? Would your priorities shift? Would you do things differently? How would your relationship with God change? What if you could approach your life in this manner, Just for Today?
the way to (t)here 
What You Said