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So, it’s been a while. And it’s gonna be a little longer. This really won’t count as quality blogging. The truth is that I haven’t had time, energy or motivation to direct to writing in recent weeks. But as a writer, you’re always told to write. To just write. When you don’t feel inspired, or you don’t feel equipped or whatever the challenge you’re facing…just write…something.
That’s what this is. It’s something. It’s a brief hello after a couple of months of silence. My new business is going pretty good. I have clients. We’re paying bills. There’s a lot to do and a lot of stress involved. The whole “not knowing” thing is getting the best of me at the moment.
I don’t feel like God’s been around a whole lot lately though. I don’t feel close to Him. And I’m not pursuing Him as actively as I have been. I know we all go through these seasons in our walks. I just always dread them, and always regret them when they are done. It can feel lonely. I also know that it’s me who wandered off, that God is right where I left Him.
Hoping to share more soon. But for today, this is a victory.
There’s a book called “Let Go” which features a series of letters written by Francois de Salignac de La Mothe Fenelon. Let’s just call him Fenelon from here on. He was the Archbishop of Cambrai, France, during the seventeenth century and a well-respected spiritual advisor.
A good friend of mine shared a copy of Fenelon’s work with me a week or so ago, following a spiritual chat over breakfast. It had been very helpful to him, and based on our conversation, he thought I would find value as well. He’s been right so far.
I’m a few weeks in as a small business owner. And business has been good early on. I have three clients with active projects, and several other opportunities that could come through soon. But I’ve noticed that building a business is really time consuming. Yeah, I know. What a surprise! I have also noticed that I live and die each day based on how the business is going. If I get good news, or something goes right, I feel good. If something throws me off course or doesn’t go as planned, I feel bad.
I’ve also noticed that while it’s really physically demanding to start a new business, it’s mentally overwhelming if you let it be. You think about it constantly, running things through the back of your mind no matter what you’re focused on at the moment. You worry, you scheme, you dream about it. It can take over everything before you know it, preventing you from being present with your family, friends, even – or should I say, especially – God.
Letting go is obviously a big issue with me. Luckily, I’m reading a book on how to do it. Perfect timing, God.
In one of the first letters of the book, Fenelon had this conversation with me:
Fenelon: “Haven’t you yet learned that the strivings of the human mind not only impair the health of your body, but also bring dryness to the soul?”
Me: “Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense.”
Fenelon: “Do you think God can speak in soft tender accents that melt the soul, in the midst of such inner confusion as you permit by that endless, hurrying parade of thoughts going through your mind?”
Me: “Well, I suppose not.”
Fenelon: “Be quiet, and He will soon be heard.”
Me: “So, I hear ya. But that’s not as easy as it sounds.”
The letter encourages peace through simplicity and obedience. Suggesting that peace is quickly destroyed by a restless mind. And that inner striving can consume you. He’s got a great point, because this all has been true for me. Just as I’ve declared that I’m finally taking action and moving into what God has for me, I’ve engaged in so much inner striving, so many hurrying parades of thoughts that I’ve not been still in a very long time. I’ve not posted on this blog. I’ve not meditated with God. I’ve not regularly prayed to hear from Him. I’ve been working furiously to make everything make sense. Getting adrenaline and affirmation from successes and crippling anxiety and worry from defeats. I go high, I go low, and I keep running right past the happy medium that lies in being at peace with God.
So my prayer is that I can get better at letting go. That I can be still and hear God. That I can release the pressure and expectations I’m placing on myself and allow God to work through the gifts He’s given me and the opportunities He brings my way. That’s going to be tough!
I read an interesting article last week titled 3 Reasons Young Americans Are Giving up on God. If you’re short on time, the study cited claims that fundamentalist stances on issues like homosexuality, increasing visibility of atheist role models, and ongoing attacks by liberals are the 3 causes to blame for Americans under the age of 30 doubting the existence of God.
I’ve felt that way lately. Like I could give up on God. Like I wanted to question His very existence. Not because of overly zealous campaigns from the right or the left, or because of compelling arguments from non-believers. Then again, I’m also closer to 40 than 30, so I don’t suppose this specific study speaks for me in any event. What a sad truth!
But I have felt that way. Questioning, at the very least, God’s plan for me. Questioning whether there really is a plan for me, or if I’m destined to always be asking the question, “What’s next?” and never feeling like “what” is “now.”
And yet all along the way, no matter how much I question, doubt, object, deny, turn away from or otherwise dismiss God’s providence, He just keeps whittling away. Making a beautiful carving out of a block of wood.
If I look back over the last six months, the only truthful thing I can say is that God’s fingerprints are ALL over it. If I honestly reflect on the 100 semi-related events that have all occurred at just the right time to pave the way toward where God wants my journey to continue, I have no recourse other than to be amazed. But of course, I find a way not to be. It’s a specialty of mine.
I’ve been tied up in knots the last few weeks because I’ve decided to start my own company. I’m so fearful of failure. I’m so timid and weak and freaked out. Every little thing sends me spiraling. Questioning whether I can do this. My wife wants to pull her hair out. She believes in this direction, that I’m doing exactly what God wants. That everything will be just fine. Meanwhile, I’m manic. And God knows this.
Every time I hit the wall, and I want to retreat and find a safer way to exist, a way that isn’t what God has for me, He moves in me, around me, for me. Just this past week, when I was on the verge of not following through with my new business, a phone call came out of the blue, offering me my first paying customer. A customer that wanted to pay in advance for the work. And to pay enough to help me transition from my old job to this new venture. Or at the very least, make it a little easier and a little less scary.
I remain the owner of many doubts and fears. Insecurities. Lies. My faith is not nearly as strong as it needs to be. But I’ve decided I’m not going to give up on my journey, no matter how disconcerting it feels while I’m in the middle of it with no view from the top. And I’ve decided that unlike some of my younger brothers and sisters out there, I’m not giving up on my God.
Instead, I’m going to brace myself for what’s next and take it like a man, or at least like a mouse with protective headgear. Signing off now, and strapping on my helmet. There’s cheese to seize.
I came across a passage tonight, Luke 18:14, which basically says,
“If you’re content with simply being yourself, you will become more than yourself.”
I had to read that about half a dozen times. It hit me like a truck. Bingo. One of my biggest problems. I’m so preoccupied with “being more” or “doing more”, with overcoming mistakes I’ve made, with trying to transform myself based on this newfound awareness I have.
This verse was quoted in a book by Dr. David Benner called “The Gift of Being Yourself.” Dr. Benner goes on to argue that we can’t really give up something until we possess it. He says that”before we can become ourself we must accept ourself, just as we are.” That self-acceptance always precedes genuine self-surrender and self-transformation.
I’ve been feeling good about myself because I’ve become so self-aware. I’ve been waiting impatiently for the transformation that I thought would come because I’ve “figured so much out” about myself this past year.
But self-awareness is a far cry from self-acceptance. And let me tell you, I have a ways to go on the acceptance front. Or at least that’s what I’m realizing.
So, first comes awareness, then acceptance of what you’ve learned, then surrender of yourself so that you can be transformed. How ironic that all I have to do to achieve a greater purpose tomorrow is to simply be okay with who I am today.
For the moment, I’ll have to settle for accepting the fact that I wasn’t aware of how much work was still ahead of me in my “transformation.” At least I now understand what might have been stunting my growth and stagnating my progress the last few months.
I just finished reading Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr. I’ve read several of Rohr’s books, but I think this one was the most powerful and revealing for me. Possibly because it feels tailor-made for where I am in my journey at the moment. There were several passages that completely resonated with how I’m feeling right now. One in particular nailed it.
“Usually, I can feel myself get panicky. I want to make things right, quickly. I lose my ability to be present, and I go up into my head and start obsessing. I tend to be overfocused, and I hate it because then I’m not really feeling anymore. I’m into goal-orientation, trying to push or even create…”
I could have written that about myself this past week. I’m six short weeks away from being unemployed for the first time in my career. I still have a few opportunities in play, but nothing that’s a sure bet. I’m torn between full-time and freelance work. I still don’t really know which path God intends me to pursue. All the while, I’ve been so distracted by my work situation that I’ve been completely unable to focus on what God is trying to do in my life. I’ve been unmotivated to wrestle with God, unmotivated to write on this blog. I’ve just been pressing, and getting a little panicky. I’m afraid I won’t have the resolve to stand tall in the midst of this uncertainty and receive the full guidance God has for me.
That’s about all I have to share today. I mostly wanted to get back on the horse and publish a post. Hoping the week ahead brings more prayer and less panic, more faith and less fear.
I opened my eyes to a sideways view of the sidewalk. My temple pulsing, my head fuzzy as if my brain was thick with static cling. It’s a very weird thing to wake up when you didn’t even realize you were unconscious. Moments before the queasiness had set in as my dad and I were waiting on a takeout order. I quietly stepped outside for fresh air. I felt dizzy and light headed and then, BAM. I was down and out.
A few days later, I was finally released from the hospital, with a clean bill of health. Evidently I have the heart rate of an elite athlete, which means it is really low. The good news is I’m in good shape, and that at the rate I’m using my heart, it should be good for another 300 years or so. The bad news is that when your heart beats as slowly as mine does, you’re a small dip away from a black out. It’s never happened before, and the doctors said it was quite possible I’d never experience it again. But now I know the feeling, so if there is a next time, I can at least cushion my fall.
I’ll be honest. I’m getting a bit frustrated with my current situation. I was already in the midst of wrestling with some of my most personal demons. I was already grappling with the pending loss of my job and the uncertain future ahead. I was already trying to stay alert and clearly hear what God has to say to me in this time of “crisis” so that I’m obedient and follow the path He has for me in all of this. And then BAM. I wake up on the sidewalk and spend the weekend getting poked, prodded and probed as if I were in alien hands.
Kind of feels like I’m being kicked while I’m down. Or more accurately, being put down after getting kicked several times. I’m remaining open to what God wants to show me in all this. How all the pieces are connected. In the meantime, I guess I just have to roll with the punches…and the kicks…and the sidewalks that come my way.
Research (such as The Power of Small Wins that ran in Harvard Business Review May, 2011) shows that people who make progress every day toward something they care about (even small steps toward it) report being satisfied and fulfilled.
That is not me. I wish I could report being satisfied and fulfilled by small wins. But it’s not cutting it for me lately. It’s so hard to satiate my desire for clarity and the full articulation of my purpose. As I’m sitting here, trying to figure out the next step in my career, staring at multiple forks in the road, I wish I felt freedom and liberation instead of frustration and paralysis. But instead of having a sense of direction, I am stymied. Stuck. Pent up. UGH!
I want to take another step, because you never know when the next small step changes everything. But there have been so many small steps lately that seem to only lead to another small step. Is that part of the plan, or have I just been missing the opportunities for big leaps? Or, am I just missing the significance of the steps I’m taking and how meaningful these smalls wins really are?
In any event, I keep waiting. Inching along. I have severe writer’s block at the moment, which is preventing me from working on my book, despite the fact that I now have some free time to dedicate to it and have a much clearer picture of how it needs to unfold. I have some professional opportunities lining up, but most do not feel at all like the direction I’m being called to go. It is a draining place to be dwelling.
I honestly need a respite from the small steps. I just need to mix in a hop, skip or a jump. Praying for something to happen that sparks the flame and ignites the passion that is building up inside with no appropriate outlet. Praying for that to happen quickly!
My job is going away. I wrote before that it was “likely” going away. At one point, I posed the question, “Should I quit?” But today I received a phone call that made it clear. I am on the clock. The job is going away, and I am being graciously granted a head start before my paychecks stop.
Just a few weeks ago, there were at least two firm job offers coming my way. They each appeared to be taking me down a different path from what I felt I was hearing from God. I prayed for clarity and strength and for God’s will to occur. Interestingly, those opportunities have receded into the darkness and, at least for the moment, vanished.
As my current job is in a free fall, my safety nets removed, I’m also knee deep in resolving some core issues stemming from childhood. Dark corners of myself that I finally found the bravery to drag into the light. I feel like I’m at war. My life is quickly approaching an inflection point, where I either branch in the direction God would have me go, or I retreat to a position of safety where I feel more in control.
After hanging up the phone today, I called upon God’s word for comfort. I randomly flipped to a passage that starts in Jeremiah 4:5. In my Bible it’s titled “An Imminent Invasion.” It paints a picture of a coming enemy, calling for people to take cover, to beware of great destruction. It’s described as a dry wind blowing in the wilderness, and as a warrior with horses swifter than eagles and chariots like a whirlwind, ready to plunder.
I am at war. God is allowing my faith to be tested, to be stressed, to be placed in crisis. He’s in this battle with me. Fighting for me. In the midst of trying to break free from the chains of my past and navigate an uncertain future. In the midst of a dry wind trying to overtake me. The enemy is at the gate, and I have to trust God’s provision and intervention. His resolution. His strategy for winning this war.
I’m asking for prayers. Prayers for strength. For courage. For obedience. For resolve. The invasion is imminent, and how I respond to it will make all the difference in whether I stay in the trenches with God and fight for His will or retreat to a high hill where I feel safe, but defeated.
Here’s a tremendously insightful question from Dan Allender’s book, To Be Told. I’m asking myself this daily right now. My response has great implications for the success of my journey. How would you answer it?
What do you want most:
God or the hollow peace of your own control?
This is officially my 200th post to this blog. It’s been very helpful and fulfilling for me to have this outlet to share my thoughts, and in many ways to process my thoughts out in the open. And to have a record of how I’ve progressed in my understanding of what God’s plan for my life looks like. For those of you following along at home, I thank you. And hope that in some small way, something I’ve discussed has been meaningful in your spiritual walk as well.
Today, I want to talk about staying awake, alive and in the moment when pursuing God. It’s been something I’ve battled the last few years, and you can see evidence by flipping back through the 200 posts on this blog. You’ll see seasons where I’ve written regularly and been very much alert in my spiritual walk. You’ll also notice times when the well was dry and it appeared that I had closed up shop.
Early on in this journey, I read a book about living wide awake. It’s stuck with me. What I’ve come to realize is that living wide awake requires me to do a few things.
#1 – Wake Up
This happened for me a while back. The initial wake up call that jolted me into action. The mini epiphanies I’ve been having since that moment that open my eyes to new insights. Opening myself to the truths that God has for me and receiving them. For each day to start, you literally have to physically and mentally wake up! In a spiritual sense, that requires a desire to see God.
#2 – Get Up
There can be quite an expansive space between waking up and actually getting up. My wife and I can vouch for that with our morning routine. It’s not uncommon for the alarm to blare, and the kids to climb the bed while we both fight to stay beneath the covers with our eyes closed for another 5 precious minutes. This can go on for quite a while. Same goes for my spiritual pursuits. Just because I’ve opened my eyes from a desire to see God, doesn’t mean I’ll get there. It requires motivation to take initiative and get on my feet.
#3 Stay Up
I always have grand expectations and intentions for my evenings, once work is done and the kids are in bed. Oh, the writing I will do! Oh, the things I will accomplish! But lately, what happens a lot is that I’ll pass out on the couch at 9:30 pm watching American Idol on DVR. I remember laughing at my grandfather as a child, because he would always pass out the instant he would sit down in his recliner, no matter what time of day/night it was. But it’s easy to be physically, mentally, spiritually exhausted. To be beaten down by life, circumstances, trials. Truly living wide awake requires perseverance to stay alert when the only thing I want to do is close my eyes and check out.
In my spiritual journey, there have been many instances when I didn’t possess the appropriate desire to see God. Or when I didn’t possess the approrpiate motivation to pursue him. Or when I was just too exhausted or tired or lazy to persevere and stay on fire for Him.
There’s a Japanese Proverb that I love which says, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” That’s my approach to my journey. Fall asleep seven times, wake up eight!
the way to (t)here 
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