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Several weeks back, I spent a weekend with a group of men. All of us seeking deeper insight about ourselves, better understanding of God’s plan for our lives. During a break in the action, a few of us were walking the trails of the retreat center and stumbled upon a labyrinth. As we walked single file through the pattern, to the center and back out to the perimeter, we made small talk but mostly relaxed and decompressed from previous high-intensity conversations and group work. It was my first time in a labyrinth. To be honest, outside of Greek mythology, I had never really been exposed to the concept of a labyrinth. All I could remember is that I thought a labyrinth was where they kept the Minotaur. Didn’t sound like a great place to be.
In reality, a labyrinth can be a very peaceful place, full of meditation, focus and relaxation. A place of clarity. And within the pathway of the labyrinth that day, I realized something revolutionary.
I’ve always experienced my life as a very complicated maze. It was overwhelming, all the choices to be made, all the paths I could take. I felt confused and astray most of the time, reaching ahead clumsily with my limited sight, fearing what the next turn would present to me, fearful of a wrong turn or a dead end. I was lost. I thought I needed to solve the maze. I thought there must be a way out.
It turns out that life is less of a maze and more of a labyrinth. At least for those who believe in God as their higher power.
A maze is a complex puzzle that includes choices. It can have multiple entrances and exits and most importantly, dead ends. A labyrinth, by comparison, offers a single, non-branching path, which leads to the center and back out the same way. One entrance. One exit. One pathway.
In Psalm 16:11 it says, “You will show me the path of life.”
Notice that says, “THE” path. The world would tell you that every choice you make sets the path for your future. It’s a choose your adventure kind of life. But God says there is a plan for you. A highly specific plan that has been laid out before you. Sometimes we might be standing still, or walking backwards or feel lost or stuck, but if we step forward in faith, God will deliver us to the center and back again.
The entire book of Jeremiah is about surrendering to God’s will as the only way to escape calamity. There’s only one path. It twists, and it turns and sometimes it seems like you aren’t going anywhere. Sometimes you can almost see your destination, and then it feels like you are headed in the wrong direction, going farther away from where you thought you were being called. But if you persevere in the path God has provided, eventually you will enter into the promises He has made to all who call Him their Lord and Savior. He has ordered our steps. He has carefully crafted the journey He is asking us each to take. It’s not a maze. There aren’t dead ends. There might be pain, suffering, trials, tribulations. Bad decisions. Slow to no progress. But it will all be used to advance you to the ultimate end.
In Proverbs 3:5-7 it says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.”
Conversely, if we don’t place one foot in front of the other, believing we are walking within a labyrinth and not a maze, we will feel much differently about the situation.
In John 12:35 it says, “He who walks in darkness does not know where he is going.” Hosea 9:17 reaffirms this, suggesting that those who don’t trust in Lord’s plan for them will be “wanderers among the nations.”
When you trust that God is in control, the maze of life becomes manageable. You quickly begin to see that while the pattern is complicated, curvy and complex, it is indeed a path. If you are diligent and obedient, this path can lead only to one place. And you’ll be so glad you followed it. When we take things into our own hands, we can paralyze ourselves and convince ourselves that we are trapped in a maze and there’s no hope for escape. I spent way too much of my life convinced of that. I no longer waste energy or time worried about the next turn, because I know that the path I’m on leads me to God and His completely perfect will for my life.
I look back, and I can see how He used all the “wrong turns” and “dead ends” and “slow going” in incredibly powerful ways. Every time I returned my focus on Him, I moved closer to the center, no matter how far I had strayed or how long I had tarried. Life is not a maze. It is a labyrinth. The path you are on is ordained by God. Train your eyes on Him, take the next step forward and soon enough you will see what I have seen. I promise you’ll never be the same.
I’ve been reading a lot of Ecclesiastes lately. Re-reading it would be more exact. Although I’ve read it before, even blogged about it before, it speaks very differently to me now. For starters, the preface in my new Bible sets up what the book is all about, specifically defining what is meant by the term “vanity.” All this time, and I haven’t truly been defining that term properly.
According to my Bible, vanity is “the futile emptiness of trying to be happy apart from God.” I had previously associated that term with pride, vainness, self-centeredness, etc. Thinking about it as futile emptiness that comes from trying to satisfy yourself with anything other than God is much more powerful, and convicting, for my life. It is the definition of where I’ve been.
A few other parts and pieces from ECC that stood out this time through the scripture.
Chapter 1, Verse 18 – In much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge, increases sorrow.
This has been so true in my life. Stuffing my head with knowledge about what God wants without changing myself, internalizing His words, seeking His will, has left me miserable beyond belief. Similarly in Chapter 6, Verse 9 it says – All the labor of man is for his mouth, and yet the soul is not satisfied.
Chapter 7, Verse 13 – Consider the work of God; for who can make straight what He has made crooked?
And then in 14, In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity, consider that surely God has appointed one as well as the other…I’ve spent most of my life resisting God’s call, fighting his crooked path and trying to make it straight. Trying to avoid the adversity and just receive the prosperity. It doesn’t work like that.
Chapter 10, Verse 15 – The labor of fools wearies them, for they do not even know how to go to the city!
I work so hard and stress so much, and He says, “Hey, you know you aren’t actually accomplishing anything. You are just wearing yourself down and taking yourself out of the game. And still you’ve done less than nothing. But that’s ok, because I’ve got it.” In chapter 9, verse 7 it says basically to chill out because “God has already accepted your works.” God will order my steps. He will light my path. When I go it alone, I’m just walking in darkness, feeling about as a blind man at midnight. By now, you’d think that I would know better than to think I know where the path leads.
Excited to read through ECC one more time. Wondering how God will speak to me differently the next round!
So, since I just restarted blogging here, I decided to comb back through the archives and revisit some of my earlier posts. At first, I thought to myself, “Well, that’s not half bad” and “Hey, I like that one.” And then as I kept reading, and became less self involved (i.e. admiring my own writing), I realized something. I was a fraud. For several years of writing blog posts here, talking about the way God was moving in my life. A friggin fraud.
It’s not that I was lying. God was trying to do all the things I talked about. He was sharing the insights with me. Showing me the way. I just wasn’t moving. Not really. You see, I had intellectualized the call of God. I just hadn’t internalized it. I was processing it with my head, but not passing it along to my heart. I heard the call. I just wasn’t really answering it.
It was easy to share about the magical ways God was stepping into my life. What I didn’t share was how I was not able, capable or willing to do what He asked, what He really needed me to do. Because of that, I pretended and pontificated. Without conviction. Real action. True transformation. I was full of hot air, but my heart was frozen solid.
I eventually got tired of acting like I was working God’s plan, so I quit blogging. I quit praying. I quit seeking. I drifted. Fell off the wagon and was run over by it. And in the darkness, there was no light to be seen, no God to be heard, no path to follow.
And yet, God pursued me. And a world of heartache later, I’m back in that place. He brought me all the way back to where He had me years before. Face to face with what He really wants me to do. I don’t like how I feel when I read those old blog posts. I can’t stomach the person who wrote them, that person who was taking God’s wisdom and tossing it around with wordplay, refusing to apply any of it to his own life. What a fraud! What a phony! What a counterfeit Christian I was.
So now it’s time to live in the truth and walk in the light. Live authentically. Love my God. Love myself. Love my family. Love people. None of which I was doing with any degree of success before. I’m ready, willing and excited to change that.
I was having breakfast with a friend this morning. We talked a lot about baseball, raising kids, life. Eventually, we had to make it around to the awkward topic of my journey, the war that I’m currently waging, as I fight my way closer to being the man God designed me to be. As we were chatting, my friend posed a thoughtful question to me. Likely intending it to be hypothetical.
“Why is it that we have to be broken to be used by God?”
I didn’t even hesitate in responding. Because I know. If we have any other path, any other hope, any other semblance of a plan that we think will work, we won’t rest in God. We won’t trust Him. We will do it our way. Before I could help myself, I wandered into a lengthy analogy, which I would like to share here. I think it explains fairly well why we must be broken before God can actually work with us.
Say you have a car. And let’s say that car has lots of things wrong with it. Dents along the bumpers. A door that won’t open from the outside. A busted headlight. Screeching brakes. A cracked windshield. Despite all these defects, these imperfections, we can still drive the car. And many of us do. It’s not running perfectly, but if we’re trying to avoid the expense or the inconvenience of having it professionally repaired, we can limp along with it for months or years.
It’s not until the transmission falls out of the bottom of it that we actually get help. It’s not until we are on the side of the road, broken down, with literally no other option than to call the mechanic and beg for his divine intervention.
It’s the same with God. We will walk, limp, crawl, drag ourselves forward. It’s not until we are broken, desperate and left on the roadside of life that most of us turn our eyes to God and say, “Ok, have thy will and thy way with me.”
That’s me. I was driving a wreck of a life. The headlights were out, the brakes were shot, my tires worn down to the wires. I was driving in the pitch black into oncoming traffic, not knowing where I was even trying to go. It was storming, and I had no windshield wipers. The winds were blowing, and I had no power steering. And yet, I just kept pushing the gas. Gripping the wheel. Driving.
It wasn’t until I hit the wall, or whatever it was, that I finally stopped. When I couldn’t go further. When it was literally impossible for me to do this on my own. The mechanic showed up. Answered my prayer. And began to restore me so I could fly down the road like a finely tuned machine on the way to a far better place.
I’m broken. But I’m beautifully made. And finally, I get to find out what that feels like, and what God wants to do with me. Amen!
God recently decided to remodel my life a bit. Ok, so it’s more like wrecking and rebuilding it. More of that to come. But for now, first let me say hello again. It’s been a really long time. I’ve missed this. Writing. Sharing. Seeking. Moving forward, I’m going to be doing a lot of that. And in a very genuine way for the first time ever.
Before we dig in to what God is doing in my life, let me say this. I’m doubting all the way. Fighting disbelief. Making God to be smaller than He is. And with every step I take, He is showing up. Bigger and better. And making me feel very foolish for continuing to offer up a mustard seed of faith, instead of a mountain of it.
I was reading in Isaiah tonight, chapter 66. And in verse 9, God asks a few really pointed questions:
“Shall I bring to the time of birth, and not cause delivery? Shall I who cause delivery shut up the womb?”
Basically, what He was saying to me was this: Why in the world would I put you in this position, bring you to this place, put everything you have on the line, and then not deliver for you? Why the build up, the suspense? I could have just let you die quietly. No need for a public execution! Don’t you think I have a miracle to work here? Don’t you think this is all too well ordered to end in chaos? Too organized to have no point? Too divine to not end with power and grace?
I see his point. There is no need to let me labor like this if He isn’t going to deliver and bring the miracle of life into my world. No reason at all.
In the end, this is all I have to believe. I don’t have to know exactly how it happens, or where the road leads or even what the destination actually is. I just have to trust that through this labor, comes love. That He delivers. And in my life, it’s coming soon!
I look forward to more frequent conversations here. And if you are out there, feel free to say hi back!
Simple question. You come across the tiger in the picture above. Obviously wounded. What would you do? Would you approach him? No? Why not? He’s wounded badly. He’s in a weakened state. And yet, he’s as wild, dangerous and deadly as he will ever be. And this much is obvious to you.
That’s the truth about being wounded.
We have grown to see wounds as black marks. As weakness. As not being worthy, or simply just not being OK. But in reality, what you see in nature, is that wounded animals don’t act weak and helpless. They are desperate and dangerous. Wild eyed, focused and clawing for life. They are more powerful than when healthy. More intimidating. More fierce.
I have wounds. So do you. And for most of my life, they have made me feel weak and less than. And like most Christians, I’ve gotten very good at suppressing them, at masking them, at insulating myself. Medicating myself. Calling upon idols and endless distractions. Comforts of everyday life. Numbing myself. After all, I couldn’t possibly embrace those wounds and speak through them. Become desperate and dangerous with my faith. Could I?
I was reading a passage tonight from Jeremiah 37:10. It says, “For though you had defeated the whole army of the Chaldeans who fight against you, and there remained only wounded men among them, they would rise up, every man in his tent, and burn the city with fire.”
I’m not a Bible scholar. So, to be honest, I can’t perfectly provide the context of this verse and the historical setting that surrounded it. But set all that aside and just read the passage. Look at the word “only” being used in italics for emphasis. A group of “only” wounded men, predicted to possess the power to burn an entire city with fire. Desperate and dangerous.
I haven’t written on this blog in over a year. Shameful. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been wrestling with lots of things. The fact of the matter, though, is I’ve been wounded. And instead of leaning into that, using it, fueling the desperation in a positive way, I’ve just medicated. Numbed myself. Compensated instead of challenged. Been a wimp instead of a warrior. Dead instead of dangerous.
I have a rekindled fire. I want to use my brokenness. My wounds. In powerful ways. The first of many being to show other people they are not alone. And that being wounded is not a sign of weakness. It’s a powerful piece of wisdom that can be used in brave, beautiful ways. I keep hearing the words, “You are not alone” rattling around in my head. I think it’s partly for me, and partly for me to say to others. So, I hope to find opportunities to do just that.
BUT, for starters. If you are out there reading this. And you’re either numbed up and feeling nothing, or very vulnerable and raw and feeling a wound that cuts deep. Let me say this. You are not alone. No matter what you have said, thought, felt or done. You are not alone. And neither am I.
This is the road I was on today. Literally, the road. It appears to go nowhere. The trees crowd it, and you can’t veer off the path even if you wanted to. You’d either take out a branch or trunk, or roll into a steep ditch. When you get to the end, it’s obvious you’ve reached your destination. It’s the only way in, and the only way out. It’s not a straight road, but it delivers you, just the same.
At the end of this road today was a very Godly man, a seasoned and wise and insightful man. After our meeting, which supposed to be largely business, he prayed over us. His prayer for me was that I continue to be bold, to not be fearful and to walk the path God has for me. To keep remembering that, through God, I have immeasurable power and potential.
This prayer comes just a few short weeks after my latest moment of panic. God is speaking to me a little more clearly these days. It was audible and direct this time around. This man told me that God doesn’t get caught up in our limitations. He told Noah to go build the ark. He didn’t say, “if you can, or if you can find a way.” Of course, when you’re obedient to His command, everything else will fall into place and facilitate your success.
My path is, has, and will be curvy. And if I take my eyes off it, I can easily be overwhelmed by the tall, looming challenges and obstacles that flank me. But those are largely irrelevant. God has laid the path before me. It will lead me to where I need to be, and it’s the only thing that will.
I’m very thankful today for the unexpected intervention. It was just what I needed to hear.
Most of us have faith when we have to have it. When there is no other recourse. When we are at the end of our rope, and we realize we can’t get there without God.
Most of us have faith when it’s not hard yet. When everything is working just great for us, and life is good. When it really doesn’t require all that much of us.
But there is a place between those two extremes when most of us lose faith. It’s that moment just before the point of no return. When we’re staring down a situation or circumstance, and we blink. In that moment, we doubt God’s power. We decide we can’t go through with it. We freak out and run. And we miss out because we move before we let God move. It’s in that moment where we decide whether we’re going to trust God or trust ourselves.
This is a very unfortunate truth. I feel confident you can point to at least one time in your life when you failed to hold your ground. When you saw an out and took it. When push came to shove, and you pushed and shoved your way out of God’s will because it got real, and it got really scary.
I feel like I’m facing a moment of faith myself. Trying not to bail. Trying to see it through and trust that God is leading me down an intentional path. But it’s hard. I started my new company six months ago. January actually marks my seventh month in business. But last week, I all but panicked. I looked out ahead and couldn’t clearly see what God had waiting for me. To date, I’ve been pulling in enough work to keep me busy and pay our bills and all. But January, my seventh month, marks the first time that client work feels really light. This happens with all startups, but that doesn’t make it any less disconcerting.
As I pondered my next steps, I realized that I could either a. continue to diligently pursue the path I believe God has me on and trust that I’m right and that He will provide. Or b. I could bail, quickly begin looking for work and take matters into my own hands. I grabbed my Bible to calm myself with scripture. Opening it randomly to Ezra, I started reading in Chapter 3. There it talks about worship being restored at Jerusalem.
In verses 3-4, it says, “Though fear had come upon them…they set the alter on its bases and they offered burnt offerings on it to the Lord both morning and evening…they also kept the Feast of the Tabernacles, as it is written, and offered the daily burnt offerings in the number required…”
So in other words, they were afraid, freaked out, but they continued in obedience, pushing ahead despite fear and worry. What was most powerful for me in this passage was the way it started. “And when the seventh month had come…” Their seventh month. As in my seventh month. I feel like God clearly had something to say to me that afternoon.
So, at the moment, I’m a little freaked out still, but I’m proceeding ahead in the direction I feel God is leading, and trying to rest in peace knowing He will deliver me and my family accordingly. But this moment of faith is tremendously difficult. And every morning, I wake up, and I feel like running. I feel like blinking. But I won’t. I can’t. Not if I want to see God move.
Welcome to 2013. I’m not much for resolutions in the new year, but I do think it’s a great opportunity to push reset and try again.
So if I had to officially state my plans for the year ahead, the following five objectives sum it up, more or less.
1. Believe more, doubt less. In myself, my God and others.
2. Ride more, drive less. If God is truly in control, why do I keep reaching for the wheel? In addition to faith, I could use a little patience. And self control.
3. Write more, think less. I’ve been a horrible writer lately. Not because I’m writing badly, but because I’m not writing regularly. I need to get stuff out of my head and down on paper (or screen).
4. Finish more, start less. Which is the opposite of my nature. The first thing I’m going to finish this year is that book I keep talking about. Long overdue.
5. Smile more, stress less. This will be the hardest one, because it really depends on whether I can accomplish objectives 1 and 2. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I’m just not thankful enough. The glass is actually half full if I’m being rational with myself.
And that’s what I’ll be focused on, more or less. Oh, and I also want to be fluent in Spanish, eat better, be smarter financially, be an even better dad and husband, go somewhere I’ve always wanted to go and grow a successful business. Ok, that’s it. Piece of cake, right?
Wow, ok so this blog is on life support. I all but abandoned it. But it’s time to try and revive it, and me in the process. I’ve been in a slump lately spiritually. Can’t shake out of it. Just don’t feel alive and in relationship with God. BUT, I have diagnosed the problem. Make that problems, with an “s” actually.
I’m sure you will be able to relate to these as well. I’m calling them the 3Ps for why you’re spiritually stuck. If you aren’t moving in the right direction, or at all, it’s likely you have a problem with your purpose, plan and/or perspective. For me, it’s all the above.
Purpose
Your eyes are not on the prize.
Luke 11:33 – No one, when he has a lit lamp, puts it in a secret place or under a basket, but on a lamp stand, that those who come may see the light. The lamp of the body is the eye. Therefore, when your eye is good, your body also is full of light.
I haven’t been focused on God lately. In the relationship with Him. I’ve been wrapped up in life, in everyday circumstances, in my own personal challenges and issues. I’ve lost concentration on what my overall purpose really is. My eye is not good at the moment, which means my mind and body aren’t directed toward God as they should be.
What’s worse is that many times over I’ve declared that I understand my purpose and am dedicated to it. But I’m not following through. Job 35:13 says that God doesn’t listen to “empty talk” and oh boy have I been an empty talker.
Plan
One step or bite at a time.
I’ve been doing research lately for an organization that helps solve “wicked problems”, meaning challenges that are big, complex and challenging to solve. A great example of a wicked problem is the healthcare industry. Healthcare in our country is tragically broken, and to develop a meaningful solution will require multiple stakeholder groups to collaborate. Wicked problems are entangled, knotted messes that can be overwhelming to even approach.
For me, my spiritual walk, dealing with my sin, embracing my wounds all feels like a wicked problem. There’s no simple solution. It’s a journey that is intricate and complicated. A lifetime of a mess that’s been made and needs to be untangled. And I can’t do it alone.
The experts approach wicked problems in a rather simplistic way. The same way you’d “eat an elephant” as in one bite (or step) at a time. God asks me to do much the same. To walk in faith. To take the next step, and then the next one. In Proverbs 16:20 it says that “He who heeds the word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.” I haven’t been extremely happy, because once again I’ve been making plans, running scenarios and trying to make it happen myself. Not having complete faith that God will direct my steps.
Perspective
The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole. – Oscar Wilde
I’ve been quite the pessimist lately. And have been seeing the negative instead of the positive. The hole instead of the donut. It’s really caused my overall perspective on things to be quite backwards. I’ve let myself be concerned about my performance in terms of my spiritual walk. Holding an incomplete view of God as the great hand of discipline only. I’ve graded my thoughts and actions on how they stack up to what God wants for me. How disappointed He must be. How I’m falling short of what I know I should be doing. Meanwhile, I’ve viewed people around me with great skepticism. As if i were the prey and they were the predators. People can be mean for sure. And self interested. And cut throat. And I’ve been building a long list internally, compiling every slight wrongful deed or word as a file of evidence.
A few verses in Job pulled me back out of this warped visioning.
In Job 34:29 it says, “When He gives quietness, who then can make trouble?” In that brief verse, there was an understanding and remembrance that washed over me. God is not a punisher. He’s a protector. He’s not simply keeping score. He’s providing safety. And the calm, peace, security that He gives can’t be taken away. Isn’t that quite a different perspective to have?
As I continued reading, I hit chapter 35, verse 8, “Your wickedness affects a man such as you, and your righteousness a son of man.” Again, I was transported back to a time when I understood. The impact of my actions, of my obedience or lack thereof to God, isn’t contained to me. I have impact, both positive and negative, on the world around me. My spiritual journey has relevance.
In my wounded nature, my sinful self, I have a daily impact on those I encounter. And I either offer perfume or poison. Just as they do for me. We’re all in this together. We’re all broken, hurt, wounded. We’re not predators. Well most of us anyway. Ha! We’re all just trying to make sense of our lives and achieve some level of healing. And we hurt each other along the way. And we help each other along the way.
My perspective had me isolated. Stuck between a God that I was treating as a punisher and people I was treating as predators. I was hiding from both. Feeling disconnected. When in reality, my God offers unshakeable peace. And the people around me the opportunity for healthy connection and healing. Donut. Not hole.
And so there are the 3Ps according to me. I’m working on them all simultaneously at the moment. And I have a long way to go. And I’m sure I’ll come up with a fourth P before all is said and done. Hope this has been helpful. It’s good to be back on the blog. I’ll do my best to keep it up.
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