earsThere are days when the doubt is deafening. When I literally can’t tune it out or speak over it. When I literally can’t hear anything that anyone is saying to me. It’s disorienting, debilitating and destructive.

I’ve come to realize in these moments of crisis that I’m misplacing my faith in the first place. I act as if the decision is whether or not I believe in me, instead of whether or not I believe in my God. When I allow my self doubt to overcome me, I’m also declaring defeat of the Lord at the same time. I’m saying that not only is this too big for me, but it’s also too big for Him.

But in these moments, I can’t even hear myself think. It’s as if my eardrums would burst with the addition of one extra decibel. The deafening sounds of doubt have filled them to the brim. I also have realized in these moments that it’s too late to summon my faith when the doubt shows up. I need my God locked and loaded before I find myself in crisis. Deeper, stronger, healthier roots are required to weather the storm. You can’t simply grow them when you start to feel the wind kick up.

The bottom line is that despite good intensions, I’ve not depended my beliefs and secured my faith. It’s still as weak and feeble as ever. Easily overpowered by the overwhelming concerns of daily life and the relentless pressures of this planet and its people. A place where it’s easy to not measure up, to never catch up, to forget to look up.

Today, the doubt is deafening. It’s hard to find God’s voice. It’s hard to concentrate. It’s hard to gain perspective. But mostly, it’s just so loud and so hard to hear.

My prayer for tonight is silence. And for tomorrow, strength.