What a week!

Less than 7 days ago, I was told my job might not be my job for long. I won’t bore you with the corporate blah blah. Let’s just say that it’s like one of those medical diagnoses where the docs can’t tell you exactly how long you have, but they can tell you the end is near. And there is no cure.

This is funny in a way. Just a few weeks ago, my wife and I had a talk at the kitchen table where I posed the question: “If this job starts to overtake my work/life balance, what should we do?” Looks like that’s a question God doesn’t need me to answer on my own.

I took this job, as you might recall, less than a year ago. It was a step of faith. I was leaving a job where I’d been gainfully employed for 8 years. And while nothing is guaranteed in corporate America, this was a safe job for the most part. It was not where I needed to be, but it was safe. So, I stepped out. And at the time, I understood that the job I was taking wasn’t necessarily what God had for me. It could very well be a stepping stone. The thing that uprooted me from my comfort and forced me to trust Him.

And here I am.

In the meantime, I’ve wrestled with a lot of things, questioned whether my heart was in the right place. As I’ve talked about before, I was placing so much emphasis on things that expire instead of things that are eternal. It was all about the kids having their swing set in the backyard, the house, the car note, the “success” in my career, the security, safety and “peace” of a stable income. Never mind what I was feeling on the inside, how I was being convicted.

On Sunday, I stumbled upon a 365 devotion book that one of my kids had received as a present. It had never been opened. It just went straight to the bookshelf. I turned to the first page, and read, “Are you ready for the adventure? Are you ready to do things ‘my’ way this year?” It went on to say that there was so much waiting for me, that I had no idea. Was I ready for the call?

An hour later, I was in a church service where the pastor absolutely destroyed me. I’ve never cried in church. Ever. EVER. But there I was, weeping, as every word was a cut that sliced me to the core. The main passage of scripture was from Luke 9:24 where it says, “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. For what advantage is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?”

Just a verse earlier, Jesus says, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.”

My career is built around my desire to “save my life” to create safety and security for my family. To be all snuggled in and feel like we’re provided for and that all is well. I still believe I have a God-ordained responsibility to care for my family. And I’m torn as I write this because I want to follow God, and I want to answer His call. At the same time, I don’t want my kids to ever “want” for anything. And that type of mentality is exactly what will pigeonhole me right back into the life I was leading, where everything was fine as long as we had enough money in the bank and the ability to do what we wanted when we wanted to do it.

Following that church service, I told my wife over lunch that I felt like God was calling me to ministry. And in a full time capacity. What ministry means exactly is sort of a mystery right now. Church leadership? Non-profit? Cause based organization? But I’m trying to be faithful and follow through. Meanwhile, my job hangs in the balance and our “financial security” is tenuously dangling in the breeze. At the very least, a shift in my career to be service oriented would mean a dramatic decrease in pay. What else it would require is still to be understood.

So, I’m talking to people I trust and respect. Seeking counsel. Praying. And praying some more. What a week…