Every once in a while, God will prepare a theme week for me, where He keeps serving up the same insight until I finally take the hook and pay attention to it. That’s how thick-headed I can be. Sometimes God has to plan out an entire week, brand it and then smash me over the skull again and again until I get it.

This week’s theme: shame.

Yeah, a fun one.

First, there was a debate about shame in an email group that I’m a part of, with several people discussing whether it is an emotion or something else. I read through it quickly, and moved on. A few days later, I was thumbing through my Bible, trying to look up passages about confession and repentance, and the first one served up was Romans 10:11-13 which says “whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.” Again, I dumped the subject quickly, annoyed that the passage wasn’t what I was looking for. That’s an insight in itself. Me being more concerned about what I wanted to find, versus what God wanted to show me.

Finally, this morning, we were visiting a church, and the pastor spent the majority of his message talking about the power of the gospel. His central passage was Romans 1:16-17. First line of that passage? “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ.”

That’s when it hit me. I’m ashamed. Deep down I don’t believe what it said next in the 10th chapter of Romans, that the Lord “is rich to all who call upon Him.” That He will take care of me, provide for me, help me live and prosper. Nope, I must not believe it. Because I’ve come to realize that for the most part, I’m been acting like I’m ashamed of being in community with God.

Let me explain.

That’s why I have separate blogs and Twitter accounts. One for the “professional” me and one for the “personal” me where I explore my faith. I even hide behind a “handle” on the personal blog, which is of course the one you’re reading now. Sure, my close friends know it is me, but I’ve also been careful not to make that public knowledge.

I do that for the same reason I’ve suppressed spiritual discussions on my Facebook wall, or even in my interactions with anyone who is a part of my work environment. I’ve become so sensitive to how many people view Christians, and the stigma people place on bringing religion into the workplace or other public forums, that I’ve become worried about being branded a Bible beater and that somehow my career could be limited by the fact that I believe in Jesus.

And the only reason I care what other people might think is because deep down, I don’t fully trust that God will provide. I’m back trying to steer the wheel and navigate my own way. I’m back focusing on all the things that will expire at the expense of things that are eternal. That I would suppress my faith just to make sure it doesn’t damage my career, or even worse, my “image” is shameful in itself.

It’s one thing to be ashamed of my sin, which by the way is another ongoing battle. But it really troubles me that after all this time, I would find myself letting the world make me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about who I am as a Christian. That I would feel the need to keep my relationship with God to myself. That’s the exact opposite of how I should be behaving.

Man, I wonder if this is how Peter felt when he denied knowing Jesus three times in one night. Now, I’ve not had anyone ask me if I believe in Jesus and then tell them no or anything. But the passive denial that I’ve been exhibiting lately is just as bad, and it’s happened much more than three times. And even more so, back in that day you had to worry about people driving nails through your hands and feet or stoning you to death. It’s silly, really. In today’s world, the worst possible things that can happen are emotional discomfort, a moment of social awkwardness or potential short-term economic loss.

I’m thankful for the insight. Even if it took God creating “Shame Week” for me to get it. I do think at the core, it’s not that I’m really ashamed of knowing God. It’s more of a conditioned response to the world I’m living in, coupled with some weakness in faith and an overly sensitive need for affirmation. Either way, it’s something to start paying attention to and working through.

It all reminds me of a great question posed by DC Talk in a song once.

What will people think when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak?

I think that lyric has been rattling around in my subconscious for a while. I need to get back to the place where I say that I don’t care, because there’s no disguising the truth.