Gwen Stefani has little or nothing to do with this blog post. But I love Gwen Stefani, particularly from her No Doubt days. Hoping to have some of those no doubt days myself sometime soon.

I always feel so guilty and hopeless, weak and hypocritical, when I doubt God. The rough spiritual patch I’ve been working through lately is mostly because of doubt. About me just simply not being able to trust God. And that doesn’t feel good at all.

Last week was full of doubt in a different way. Around every corner, it seemed God was bringing the subject up with me…asking me to meet it head on.

On Wednesday, I was holed up in a bookstore on the campus of MIT, momentarily escaping a torrential downpour. One book jumped out at me: Heaven is for Real. It’s the story of a toddler who has a near-death experience and comes back to tell us all about what’s waiting for us on the other side. One of the reviewers quoted on the inside cover claimed this story would “encourage those who doubt and thrill those who believe.” For some reason that quote struck a chord. I read it several times before placing the book back on the shelf.

On Friday, I randomly encountered a compelling blog post by Mike Friesen, The Importance of Doubt Within Faith where he says, “God wants us to express our personal and theological doubts about who he is, rather than suppressing them because ‘a good Christian doesn’t have doubts.'”

On Sunday, our pastor was talking about perseverance (one more shout out to patient endurance), and he said, “God meets us in our doubt. If we stay available.”

It can feel so frustrating when God is trying to move, and I just shake and shudder and dig in like a dog that doesn’t want to go on a walk. All because I can’t step out in faith. But doubt is okay. It’s part of the true Christian experience. It’s part of growth. It’s actually one way God works in us. Delivering even when we doubt. Building our faith through His faithfulness. In weakness, we find strength after all. I believe God is asking me to seize my doubt, get comfortable with it, use it as an opportunity to learn something about my belief system. To find a way to stay available even when I have no confidence, when I’m raging inside with nervousness and disbelief.

I’m currently sorting through some things with God, asking Him to overcome my doubt. I’m staying available. I’m expressing my doubt openly as I ask for His intervention and support. After several nudges this past week, I have no doubt what God wants me to be focused on right now.