I’m still alive, but I’m barely breathin

Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in

Those lyrics kick off a new song by The Script called “Breakeven.” The first time I heard it, those words shook me. And they continue to do so each time I hear the song. Mostly because they have been so true for me at times in my life the past few years. From what I can gather, many others have been in this boat with me.

It’s not that I’ve ever doubted there was a God, that a divine power created this world and everything in it, that there is an all-knowing, all-powerful being who surrounds us. But there have been times when the sad truth of the matter is that I haven’t believed in the God I’m praying to. Deep down I was skeptical or doubtful, at some level questioning. I wasn’t even aware of it at times, but I’ve come to understand that some of the struggles I’ve endured, some of the sacrifices I’ve been unwilling or unable to make, can be traced back to a lack of believing. Praying but not really believing God would provide. Taking it on myself instead. Doubting whether I could listen to the voice I was hearing. Resisting because I didn’t fully trust Him.

As a result, I was alive but barely breathing. I definitely wasn’t thriving. I’m in a better place now, but I can still clearly remember what it felt like to wake up and discover, “I believe in God. Just not the God that I’m praying to.”

I’d like to issue a challenge. Ask yourself what you believe. Who is the God you believe in? And then ask the harder question. Why do you believe that? Until we fully answer these questions, we won’t have the foundation we need to grow in Him.

For me, most of my beliefs were shaped by early programming from family and the church, as well as past experiences.  An overwhelming minority of my truths were uncovered through walking with God and pursuing His word.  It’s amazing how much you believe because of what your parents believe, because of what your pastor believes. The problem is most of these beliefs are inherited, not internalized. They can be engrained in who you are, but it doesn’t take much to call them into question.

That’s why so many of us grapple with praying to a God we don’t believe in. When circumstances pressure test our beliefs, the inherited will fall away fast and only the internalized will remain. My journey this past year has been so valuable to me in many ways. The most important blessing has been that I am finally building my own set of beliefs and not solely relying on beliefs passed to me by others. These days, I’m alive and breathing better. And the God I pray to is a God I believe in.