I was reading a few pages in Paradise Lost the other day, and I came across the word Belial. As cited in Milton’s work, this is Hebrew for “worthlessness” or “vanity.” That puzzled me at first. I’ve always thought of vanity as the opposite of worthlessness. I mean, how can you be vain if you feel worthless?

After some quick research, references to vanity appear often in the Bible, and the word has a variety of meanings such as meaninglessness, wickedness, falseness, idolatry, worthlessness and futility. The way we typically use this word today to mean “boastful” is actually not that common in the Bible. That just happens to be the default definition of vanity as I know it.

And then it was clear to me. Vanity (meaning boastfulness) many times is a symptom of self-doubt and low esteem. It’s almost like vanity is the act of trying to convince oneself and others that he or she actually is valuable. I’ve mentioned before that self-esteem has been a bit of a problem area for me throughout my life. It sometimes causes me to over-analyze my actions, to focus too much on me, to actually become vain or self-centered. It’s ironic. We who doubt our worth the most, become the most self-obsessed. Vanity and worthlessness. Not that far apart after all.