As is usually the case, the moment I felt reinvigorated to pursue God’s will for my life and grow closer in relationship with Him, I immediately began trying to assess my God-given talents and how I might use them for His greater cause. I ran Google searches, I wrote, I searched, I thought deeply. I revisited past efforts, including a dialogue I started with the CEO of what used to be Relevant Books.

For months, I worked with editors at that organization to try and come to agreement on a book idea that would be the right type of project for them to pursue. In the end, it went nowhere. Probably for the same reason it hasn’t gone very far this time. I’ve come to realize that I have a problem. I like the idea of being successful, of being published, of having that “15 minutes of fame” that you hear so much about.

I genuinely want to use my talents to further God’s work on this planet. But equally (at least), I want to be considered successful, to have worldly accomplishments that classify me as a “published author” as an expert on something, as someone who has accomplished something grand. Even as I document this journey on this blog, with every good intention, there is a small piece of me hoping that lots of people will read it one day, that someone will really, really like it, that somehow a publisher will stumble upon it and engage me in a book project. I envy people who seem to have struck the balance between “success” in the world’s eyes and truly being inspired and led by God. It’s a humbling thought to consider that God doesn’t actually need me to get the job done. Especially if I am wrapped up in earning trophies and other sentiments of success.

Even though this is my struggle, I don’t think it’s right to stop writing either. I think it’s just important for me to acknowledge and embrace the fact that no matter how hard I strive, my motives will never be entirely pure and void of worldly conquests. And to not let those motives slow or impede the progress I need to make in my personal relationship with Jesus or the work He allows me to do on His behalf while I’m on this planet.